Domestic Violence Treatment: How Couples Can Stay Together

Years ago, I worked in an anger management clinic. Our clients were exclusively men and a few women who had been court-ordered to undergo counseling after violence in their relationships had landed them under arrest. We had mostly fourth-degree batterers and a few first-degree battery cases where the perpetrator had brandished (but not used) a weapon; we also had a couple of rapists and other things.

Unfortunately, this program wound up being kind of a mill. The offenders went in, did their twenty classes with clenched teeth, and then got out. In most cases, the couple involved broke up, and often the perpetrator ended up in jail again.

Why did this treatment fail so often? Because of what the clients were "learning." Your family, your school, and society tell you that it's bad to hit other people and that this sort of behavior can land you in jail. They teach you you need to control your temper. In other words, you learn from life -- and from this program -- what you need to do, but not necessarily how to do it. In addition, outside of substance abuse outside problems were not addressed.

These programs need to go further -- and if the couples love one another, they need to encourage them to stay together, then give them the emotional tools they need to be able to have a loving relationship without abuse.

1. All substance abuse issues in the relatinship MUST stop, immediately. The most common reason our program rejected potential clients was due to alcoholism. In some cases, the alcoholics were so advanced you could smell it coming out of their pores; in others, good ol' boys denied alcohol abuse even though they admitted to drinking a twelve-pack every weekend when they went fishing.

All use of alcohol, illicit drugs (including marijuana), and preferably cigarettes as well must be stopped as soon as possible, by BOTH partners. Only with a clear mind and no dependence on chemicals can the relationship be healed.

2. Who is the perpetrator hanging around with? If he's hanging around with other people who abuse their spouses, or who sympathize entirely with the abuser's plight instead of condemning his behavior, he needs to get away from them immediately. People who help or encourage abusers will only get in the way of recovery. This goes for social friends, co-workers, and family members.

3. Here's the one most people reject: in an abusive relationship, both the abuser and the abusee are sick. Both must get counseling, not just the abuser, and it must be individually and as a couple.

Even though the abuser has taken physical action, it is not usually triggered in a vacuum. The victim of the abuse may bring it on, either consciously or unconsciously, by "pushing buttons."

This does NOT excuse the abuse, only explain it. Time and time again, I've seen abusive couples who are in a reactive relationship. They are acting out a soap opera script, one of which reads: tension rises in the relationship, he gets drunk and stays out late, she yells at him when he gets home, and he beats her up. Another script: she flirts with another man, he gets angry, she gets angry back, things escalate, and he hits her.

Why would the victim do this on purpose? Because in the aftermath, the abuser is generally racked by guilt, at least in the earliest stages of abuse; the abuse event triggers the "honeymoon" period, during which he treats her very well indeed. The honeymoon period can be just as addictive as drugs and alcohol. She may also feel that getting her partner angry is the only power she has in the relationship.

The person being abused chooses abusers for a reason buried in her personality. This reason can only be uncovered through good therapy. Without therapy, it probably doesn't matter whether she breaks off this particular relationship -- she will replay her original soap opera, and wind up with another abuser.

4. Both partners must agree to take responsibility for the success of their relationship. Only by taking that responsibility can they have any hope of following through with what will be a very difficult recovery.

The best way to take responsibility is to draw up a contract detailing specific things each partner will do and will not do. For instance, the man may agree to stop drinking, to seek out healthier friendships, to devote one entire day a week to his family, and to take a walk when he feels his temper escaping. The woman may agree to do her part to keep the house clean (a common trigger of spousal abuse), to tell him calmly what upsets her instead of attacking him, to tell him when he's overstepping boundaries discussed in therapy, to talk about her feelings instead of expecting him to figure them out, and to take a walk when she feels her temper fraying.

Each member of the relationship should define each section and agree to both parts.

Modification of children's behavior may be part of the contract, but the children should never be involved in the contract itself. Children are often used as buffers in abusive relationships, a behavior that is damaging to them.

5. If partners and counselors agree that the underlying substance abuse and mental health issues are interfering with the couple's healing, they must live apart until those issues are resolved. This will undoubtedly present hardships to both. However, until those issues are repaired, the relationship is doomed.

6. Both partners may want to go through a vow renewal ceremony to symbolize their continuing commitment and love for one another. Ceremonies hold enormous importance in our psyches, though we don't often realize it. Having your vows renewed can help both partners focus on what they love about each other, instead of the things that drive them apart, as well as providing those emotions that previously came from the honeymoon period.

7. Both partners should consider going to church together. Church is a unique institution in that it draws people of all sorts together in a place where they focus on something bigger than themselves. A church can provide a new social group, a supportive community, and spiritual help to people who seek it out, even if their beliefs are different from those within the church. It can also give abusive couples a mutual focus outside of their relationship, which changes the dynamic of the relationship.

Conclusion

Abuse is a deeply-seated and very complex problem related more closely to addiction than to violent behavior. It doesn't stop because abusers are told to stop, or because they feel guilty, or even when they go to jail. It only stops when something fundamentally changes their lives, helping them break the cycle that traps them.

My favorite client from the clinic was a black gentleman in his fifties, soft-spoken and cheerful, though under his cheer was an air of sadness. He was full of great stories, and also with great regret for many things he'd done in his life. Not only did he complete the program, he stepped in with a lot of the younger guys to advise them on things they needed to change in order to turn their lives around. He was respected and beloved by the staff, and by the younger men who came to regard him as a role model.

It was only after he'd left the program that I found out what had changed his life: he had terminal liver cancer caused by a lifetime of substance abuse. Tragically, only after he found out he was going to die did he change his life.

His reason to stop abusing: his life was changed by the shadow of death. What will it take for other abusers to change?