Dominance and Submission: Explaining "Topping from the Bottom"

In many Dominant and submissive relationships if the Dominant is new or unsure of his abilities, it can be very easy for a submissive to actually be the one controlling the relationship. As a submissive, this is not what she or he truly desires. However, to obtain the sense of pure Dominance from their partner, they believe they have to control the situation. The Dominant sometimes lets them, which is actually detrimental to both parties. However, this dynamic in BDSM relationships can happen and often.

To understand this we have to understand the reasoning behind many Dominant/submissive relationships. If one were to be able to look down upon the lives of 10 different D/s couples you would see that many of the submissives are ones that in their daily lives have control of everything. They run the household, pay the bills, work two jobs, and takes care of the kids. Submission in becomes their special time to let go and not have control of anything, not what they eat, what they say, what they wear, and most importantly what happens to them.

All they can do is feel, and feel in extremes. However because the submissive is a lot of times the one who controls all other aspects it is very difficult to let go of the control and they start to top from the bottom. This does not mean the submissive wants to be Dominant it usually means the opposite. They want to be controlled and dominated but may not be feeling as satisfied with the technique or lack of harshness in their current submissive relationship.

A few examples of topping from the bottom would be where a submissive during the times of play is suggesting what implement should be used which is a more obvious form but can happen. More subtle ways that submissives control their Dominant is by denying things to their Dominant until they feel that it is the right time to give him what he wants. One of the major pieces of D/s lifestyles is letting your Master stretch your limitations, maybe trying new things you would have never let yourself try before our of shame or fear. Now this is not to say that you should just put your life in a Dominants hands and have no limits. Please have limits, safe, sane, and consensual play is always key. However if you do not trust your Dominant to punish as needed or pleasure you in his way in his own time, than the relationship isn't what it could be.

The solution to this could be as simple as putting the submissive in her/his place. They could just be pressing the limits to see when they will be stopped. Once the law has been laid down again this can stop the situation immediately. However sometimes the issue is deeper and something to be addressed more formally. It could be the submissive has deep trust issues, if this is the case then counseling maybe the only way to help the situation. Really it can be different for all Dominant/submissive couples so it is key to make sure that it is not a serious emotional issue before corrective measures are taken.