Dom's B-Movie Round-Up #25

If you are burnt out on slashers, this atomic cheese puff will re-energize your interest in "dead teenager" movies. This isn't just another "Friday the 13^th" forgery set in a forest or a high school. "Killer Workout" (a.k.a. "Aerobicide") finds gutted bodies piled high in a gymnasium. This is a whodunit, and I have to admit that the killer's identity is a clever plot device. My favorite aspect of this body-building blood-boiler is the fact that you can never predict who will be picked off next. The only consistent main character is the villain. After someone is introduced, they are usually murdered. The film has a noticeable mean streak, which I appreciated.

There isn't as much clean nudity as I was expecting. The best-looking sluts never strip. I'm sorry, but I can't believe that you're a slut unless you bare your precious flesh. It's a characterization thing. The gore is decent, but again, I was hoping for more. The make-up effects are adequate. One particular lesion was quite gross (not to be confused with "cool"). All in all, "Killer Workout" made me a happy horror scumbag. I've always preferred the stodgy, unbecoming slashers from the mid-late 80's to the classics that started it all. Don't ask me why, but I'll take "Evil Laugh" over "Prom Night" anyday. Does that make me less of a man?

Terror at London Bridge (1985)

Jack the Ripper has appeared in stacks of suspense thrillers throughout the 20^th century. There aren't many Ripper romps that could be called quality films, though Bob Clark's "Murder By Decree" comes close. "Terror at London Bridge" does not come close. In fact, it dithers in between mediocre and "eh." This made-for-TV nail-biter (actually, it's more of a nail-filer) stars Adrienne Barbeau and a pre-Baywatch David Hasselhoff. Your most zealous b-movie buff wouldn't be able to dream up this cast. Hasselhoff stars as a sensitive cop who believes that the real Ripper has risen from the grave to duplicate his infamous killing spree. Why Jack would choose to terrorize the fake London in Arizona over London itself is anyone's guess.

We learn that Jack the Ripper was disentombed by a subaqeuous stone. The film never explains how a stone could revive a corpse, much less a corpse that shows no signs of decay whatsoever. But Hasselhoff gets it, and that's all that matters. The prologue is stylish and atmospheric. I was hoping that the rest of "Bridge" would be just as sleek, but it wastes no time in becoming a stale, point-and-shoot teleplay. Granted, the pacing is swift. I was rarely bored. However, I was rarely enthralled. The kills are dry, the characters are walking clichés, and the identity of the Ripper is revealed too early. Yes, this is a whodunit. Most screenwriters would wait until the third act to solve the mystery, but I guess the movie was in a hurry to end itself. I can't say I blame it.

Hasselhoff Esquire is in fine form. He chews the scenery like a peckish cow downing freshly regurgitated cud. All of the actors are hammier than a pig pen shaded by a tent tailored out of bacon. I am thoroughly exhausted from coming up with those two similes, so I'm going to wrap this up. "Terror at London Bridge" is not very good. The end.