Don Imus Sneezes, Sounds like Racial Slur

Dynamic radio personality Don Imus appeared to utter a racial slur during a political discussion early Wednesday on his news program, "Imus In The Morning". Producer Bernard McGuirk and Imus sidekick Chuck McCord were having a lively political discussion. All was going according to FCC Regulations until Barack Obama was mentioned. Mr. Imus sneezed almost immediately upon mention of the Democratic Presidential Nominee, afterwards quipping," I guess I'm allergic to liberals."

But is that all he's allergic to?

Media watchdog groups have been listening to the embattled talk show host intently since he was allowed back on American radio frequencies six months ago. One very vocal group in particular claim his sneeze was no normal "Ha-choo!"

"We don't know exactly what he meant by his sneeze but we're pretty sure it was filthy. In fact we have sound engineers at Berklee College of Music breaking down the audio a tenth of a second at a time to determine just how hateful a body reaction it was", says Dwayne Goodspeak, co-founder of White Hate Attacks Tomorrow, a radio/television racial equality control group. "I don't think it's a coincidence or accident of fate that someone with a history of virulent Anti-Non White sentiment would sneeze upon the mere mention of a prominent African American." Mr. Goodspeak continued, "The man is going to hell so all I can say is, God bless you!"

The gruff talk show host had this to say to his defense: "I was sprinkling black pepper on my morning omelet when I sneezed. That was it. I sneezed. Why would I do anything to get myself fired again? That would be ridiculous."

Media members and political leaders are loath to be sympathetic.

"If this were Oprah, or Jimmy Carter or Bob Dylan there would be no story here. But we're talking about a man with a history of vile racial remarks. We're talking about a man who obviously hates black people so bad that his body reacts violently the second our existence is brought to his attention! I bet if he had his choice he'd sprinkle WHITE pepper all over his omelet!" Says Rev. Al Sharpton. When asked by a New York Post journalist about his own shaky history of discrimination Mr. Sharpton snapped, claiming his past "wasn't on trial" and that it was typical to "divert attention from the racist remarks of a white man to instead focus on the alleged racial indiscretions of a prominent black man".

Rush Limbaugh was less than impressed with Mr. Sharpton's attack.

"Here we have a...a...veritable STING operation set up by the left. Now, now, now, it's obvious that people like Mr. Sharpton and Mr. "Goodspeak", if that is his real name, were just waiting for Imus to...to...MESS UP. Only radical liberals can take something as innocuous as a SNEEZE and turn it into the N-Word!" When asked by a caller about his own shaky history of racial remarks Mr. Limbaugh stated emphatically that his past "wasn't on trial" and that it was "typical of liberals to divert attention away from their own attempts at subverting free speech to instead focus on the perceived racial indiscretions of a powerful conservative."

Mr. Obama, a man who is no stranger to run ins with talk show hosts, after recently charging both Lou Dobbs and Rush Limbaugh with responsibility for the rise in Hispanic hate crimes, approached Don Imus' comments as a non-issue. Perhaps forgetting for a moment his recent battles with conservative radio personalities, the current front-runner for the highest office in American Government had this to say: "To me the comments of a talk show host matter very little. I don't feel hurt by Mr. Imus' comments I just feel sad for anyone who cannot be proud of America's diversity. America is a family and just like all families, sometimes fights break out amongst the members. Father and mother, brother and sister, we all get in disagreements sometimes. But, very rarely when brothers and sisters fight does the disagreement turn to hate. And so I urge you, America, to have a thicker skin, to tolerate people like Mr. Don Imus and ignore their comments, for they will not matter in tomorrow's world of peace and understanding. There are more important things to concern ourselves with than the possible racist comments of a man stuck in the 19^th century. Turn the radio off America but turn the love up."

Optimistic words of hope from the original dream weaver.

One thing still in the balance is the fate of Don Imus. While WABC representatives have stated they will not take action against the crotchety old geezer reason for pessimism still exists, as no on quite knows what effect listener outrage could have on the minds of the WABC executives.

In news more important than the Archie Bunker like antics of an old malcontent, torture is still legal in Guantanamo Bay, America still has no price restrictions on prescription drugs, and the American people are demanding fuel-efficient cars about 15 years too late.