Don Rickles scandal!

Four people attending a late night comedy show were outraged and perturbed when hostile insult comic Don Rickles began calling them hockey pucks.

"I'm shocked and dismayed," stated John Donner, a computer engineer from the suburbs. "I go into a comedy club, get drunk and start shouting at the performer. What's the big deal? Then he calls me a hockey puck? What gall! Also, I'm offended."

Donner's claims seemed unfounded until a recording of the incident appeared on the internet where it quickly became a topic of conversation by bloggers and other shut-ins. The recording was made by an audience member who tapes comics so he can steal their material. He then uploaded it to Bobetube.com, the popular copyright infringement video site.

Juan Grisham, a lawyer for the offended foursome, has demanded an apology from Rickles. And not just any apology, but one mediated by Judge Judy and some UN officials. Said Mr. Grisham, "I'm outraged that a professional comedy person would resort to this kind of demeaning behavior toward a member of his audience. I mean, what if every stand-up comedian started insulting hecklers? Then where would we be? My clients are now afraid to heckle people in a public area."

Grisham is considering suing Rickles for infringing on his clients' freedom of speech. Grisham said, "It's their Constitutional right to speak freely and Rickles created a hostile environment which impended my clients' rights. That's against the law. Or should be."

Grisham has also stated, "My clients paid their money and their two-drink minimum to go into that comedy club. Of course they felt entitled to make themselves part of the show."

A second patron, Dennis Minx, John Donner's "best bud," explained that he and some friends were in the cheap seats and that he was playfully heckling Rickles when suddenly, the comedian lost it. Minx characterized their remarks to Rickles as "constructive criticism."

The camera started rolling just as Rickles began his attack, screaming at the men, "Why don't you launch a rocket and we'll salute? You just sit right there, the short bus is on its way. Man, if you tried that stuff with Sinatra, you'd be imitating a spare tire about now, you hockey puck. That's right, I said hockey puck. And your friend there? Another hockey puck. What are the odds of a couple of hockey pucks like you hooking up? And your dates, my, they are lovely. The home just called; your new drool bibs are in."

Donner claims Rickles was relentless. "He wouldn't give it up, calling us 'hockey pucks,' and 'dim bulbs,' and a 'wacky sacks,' whatever that is, but it sounds offensive, so I'm taking offense." Donner also claims Rickles kept miming the act of drinking out of a bottle and pointing at them. "I don't know where this was coming from," declared Donner during his breathalyzer test.

Donner's attorney is at present attempting to set up a forum where an apology can be made and some cash can change hands. "If all it takes is some large amounts of money to make my client settle down then Don Rickles should be leaping at this chance to meet us," Grisham added.