Don't Beg Your Spouse to Stay

"I love him and I don't want to lose him. I am so desperate to save my marriage!" It's a familiar plea, the need to force a husband or wife to stay in a marriage they're attempting to flee. Some marriages never should have begun at all while others have been built on the weakest of foundations.

The left behind spouse may be unable to recognize the problems within the marriage. He or she may cling desperately to their illusion of the marriage, not the reality. If the marriage does end, it may take years before they are able to acknowledge that the relationship was severely flawed or too dysfunctional to work.

Some marriages begin with the premise that "once we're married, (s)he'll change". Unlike magic potions that change bad habits to good, marriage usually only intensifies the negatives.

During courtship men and women are supposedly on their best behavior so that potential mates will stick around. But some people accept bad behavior expecting to write new rules for their spouse after marriage. If one of them cheats during courtship, where's the proof he or she can commit when married?

Courtship is a "proving ground" for marriage. If fidelity is lacking during courtship, it will most likely be lacking during marriage. Marrying an alcoholic or a pot smoker and expecting them to quit drinking and smoking is a quick road to an unhappy marriage.

My first husband used to say: "I may be the world's worst boyfriend, but I'll be the world's best husband." I bought into the premise even though I had no proof of his "good husband" potential. If I had been smarter, I would have insisted he prove himself as the world's best boyfriend first before we considered marriage.

When a boyfriend or girlfriend uses drugs but says they'll give them up after marriage, why should their word be trusted? If they were serious about the relationship, wouldn't they give up their addiction immediately if it was an issue to their partner? If they can't now, they won't later.

Promises prior to marriage mean very little unless they are put into practice before marriage. If the addiction or action isn't bad enough to end the relationship before marriage, it may become the weak foundation that will eventually destroy the marriage.