Don't Communicate with Your Spouse by Text: Talk to Them

I've been a marital therapist for over 20 years so I thought I had heard it all. But there is now a new way to conduct a dispute - texting. And it's not helping resolve marital conflict one bit.

People come into my office and say they are having trouble communicating. It's not at all unusual for them to feel they are not heard by their spouse. As I explore their communication style I find that a lot of what they are saying is being said by text. Employers have tried to stop the use of personal cell phones during the work hours and so now they are texting to communicate quietly. They text while driving home - a no no for sure - they text in the bathroom and during their breaks. Texting is the latest rage and it's one I hope fades fast.

When you text it is easy to misinterpret the meaning of a sentence. There is no voice inflection, there is no further explaining. Sentences are short and often can be read with anger. It is difficult to fully communicate feeling and thoughts using only a few words. And it allows people to stay angry and not face each other to work out their conflict. A lot of people like it for just that reason. Those who seek to avoid conflict don't face their problems and most often issues will go unresolved.

I have a couple who text each other while they are in the same house because they don't want to meet in the living room. If one is upstairs and the other down it would mean giving in if one moved to the other. And so they text. Then they complain they do not communicate. My first suggestion to them was to take away the phones and face each other when they speak. Couples need to see each other's expressions, body language and hear voice infection in order to fully communicate. Even a phone call will give you a far more accurate indication of what you spouse is feeling then a text. It provides a perfect way to avoid solving anything.

So if you are having communication problems in your relationship stop texting. Get together and start talking. If the person is worth investing in a relationship with they are worth the effort to find time to be together and talk to each other. If the message is more than 'honey bring home some milk', save it for when they get home.