Don't Be a Dropout Parent

There is a saying in education: Parents drop out before their children do. It refers to the fact that the more involved a parent is in the child's education, the more involved the child is very likely to be in his or her own education. As a parent, you have the opportunity and the responsibility for giving some shape to your child's school experience. To some extent, you can take the general system of education and tailor it to your child's unique personality and learning style.

Approach your relationship with your child's teacher with the objective of teaming up with the teacher, not teaming up against him or her. As soon as possible, even before your child enters the new school, and certainly before you need to address issues, cultivate a friendly, respectful relationship with the teacher. Be polite, and be authentic. Schedule a meeting with the teacher just to get to know one another and to discuss the teacher's teaching style and your child's learning style. By developing a foundation of mutually respect and comfortable engagement, you can then more easily and effectively work out problems with the teacher that may arise later.

Good teachers welcome parental involvement that is respectful and pertinent to the child's best interests. Do not worry that you will be regarded as a pest. If you are regarded that way, then the teacher has to deal with that and any reasonable administrator will back you all the way, as will the Parent Teacher Association of the school (if there is one).

When you observe your child experiencing any difficulty at all in school, or if you feel disturbed by a change in your child's personality that you may attribute to his or her school experience, step-up your involvement in your child's school life. Have a meeting with the teacher to discuss the problem. Find out what the teacher is doing that works and that may not work with your particular child. You may discover new ways to work with your child, and you may be able to share some insights into how to better work with your child.

Expect to be called upon to actively engage with teachers and, perhaps, even with principals or directors. As your child passes through his or her school, that school should be a somewhat different school from what it was and what it will be. The difference should be more aligned with the unique individuality of each child, and of each group of children.

Of course, there are limits to the changes you can expect to make. Some aspects of a school policy will be inflexible, and that will face you with the decision of whether to send your child to another school (if that is even an option for you) or to keep your child where he or she is as you do what you can to assist your child's adaptation.

When your child runs into a problem at school, regard yourself as first and foremost your child's advocate. This does not mean that you have to relate with the teacher as your adversary. It simply means that you validate your child's issues while working on improving the situation.

As children mature, more and more of their school experiences become their responsibility to handle. But throughout your child's school life, you need to be as actively involved as necessary to help the school adapt to your child's developmental needs. Remember that the purpose of school is not to be served by the child, but to serve the child, and society as a whole, but contributing to the positive development of each child.

In closing, I would like to address the issue of exactly how to bring up issues with your child's teachers. When communicating with the teacher, maintain your composure. An aggressive, antagonistic, emotional attitude coming from you will most likely trigger defensiveness, which is not what you want. What you want is a willingness to receive your message, to think about what you are trying to get across, and to take steps to cooperate with it. A calm, confident tone works best, one that demonstrates sincere trust in and respect for the teacher.