Don't Let Divorce Destroy a Friendship: Remaining Friends with Your Former Spouse

There is nothing more difficult in life than going through a divorce. Emotions will run strong on both sides to levels you didn't know existed and you will feel an emptiness in a life that you had known and built dreams upon. Many people turn from their former spouse out of anger, regret, and resentment. They cannot bear to talk to one another or see one another for more than a few seconds. The hurt can last a lifetime, but it doesn't have to. It is possible to remain on good terms with your former spouse, be friends, or even maintain a level of being friends together.

There are a number of advantages to remaining friends with your former spouse. You may have business left that must be dealt with and if you have children together then you must maintain some level of contact. Your dreams of the future and what you held together do not have to disappear entirely. Was your spouse your best friend? Were you open and did you confide in each other? A best friend is one of the hardest things in the world to find. Divorce should not have to change that. It all depends on your outlook, your psychological well-being, and your ability to recover from turmoil.

How do I know this is possible? Because I went through it and as a matter of fact my ex-wife and I co-habitate in the same apartment. She had a daughter from a previous marriage and we remain great friends with each other. After the initial phase of hurt was ended, we did the usual thing and separated for awhile. We talked on and off and came to terms that we could not provide each other with what we wanted from a spouse. I lived for several months on my own while she took on a roommate in the apartment we held together. With the economy in a downspin and our own economic futures shaken, we both realized that we wanted to remain friends and do for each other what we can, so after much thought, introspection, and retrospection, we made the leap and moved back in with each other, but on platonic terms as roommates and friends, instead of life-long lovers with all the mental baggage that entails that has been drilled into our heads since birth.

It was only after our cohabitation had taken place did we secure our divorce. In Florida, an uncontested divorce is a simple matter and it required only we fill out a few forms and go before a judge one week later. Just to avoid any uncomfortable questioning, I used my previous address I held alone. Everything went smoothly and we now live in a household of 4 as a platonic family, my ex-wife, her daughter, the new roommate, and myself. We are economically stable, all on the dating scene, yet can provide household, financial, and emotional support to each other in times of need without regrets, jealousy, or thoughts of a future together beyond what is here and now. It may seem that this is all in the realm of flightly young adults, but my ex and I are 37 and 36 respectively. Her daughter is 16 and has no problem in understanding and accepting the adjustment and the roommate is younger at 23, but has become an important friend to all of us.

Now, I'm not saying that this situation is for everyone, or possible for everyone either. Some people simply can't do it, and for the most part this is because they are hung up on what they have been told the "should" feel and what they have been told the "should" or "must" do. None of which, of course, is true, just simply how we have been conditioned in our lifetime by what has been accepted as normal principle and course of action.

The first step in being friends with your ex spouse, is to understand their viewpoint. Rarely does divorce happen on only one level. Usually both parties feel that they are right. Understand what it was that you could not provide your spouse and understand what it is that your spouse could not provide you. No one is right or wrong. It's all a matter of perspective and for the most part we are all, as people, doing the best we can with what we know. Apologize for your actions and accept an apology from your spouse. Nothing elaborate or formal, just one quick statement. That will get you on track to where you need to be.

The next step is possibly the most difficult and that is letting go of past feelings and dreams of the future. While your past feelings did exist in reality for you, it is important to understand that feelings are not forever. They come and go like the wind, shifting and changing with circumstance. Do you mourn the last time you saw a good movie, or that last barbecue party at your brother's house that was such a blast? Of course not, because we know that we will have fun again in the future. The feelings from your past marriage are no different. Be open to future possibilities with another and get out there and find someone.

As for your dreams of the future, they never really existed in the first place. They were only unsubstantial thoughts and you have no way of knowing if they ever would have come true anyway, or even if they would remain your dreams or change. For the most part, you don't even have to change the general idea of your dreams, simply be less specific. You can usually accomplish the same goals without a partner/lover or with another besides your ex spouse.

Think about what it means to love someone. Did you truly love your spouse? Or were your feelings something else, more narrow and self-absorbed? If you truly loved your spouse, you would want them to be happy. This does not preclude happiness only with you. A deep and true love would want happiness for the other no matter the situation. To have to include yourself in this is gross and self-centered. Be bigger than that. Allow your love to change form. Think about how you love your own child, your mother, your father. There is very little they could do to change that feeling you have for them, especially if it is your own child. Again, take the high road. Think of your ex-spouse more in these terms. Therein you will understand the true meaning of unconditional love and it has nothing to do with romance, sex, or exclusivity.

Understand that you are going your own separate ways and wish them well. With new futures on the horizon, there is whole new field of opportunity. Begin to create your own new life. Share and talk about it with your ex-spouse. Give advise if asked, but don't force yourself to offer it. Simply talk and listen without judgment. Do not present your ego into the conversation unless it is requested. This will be difficult at first, but over time the situation will naturally run its course.

If you do remain friendly with your spouse and you meet and do things as friends do, some feelings will be rekindled from time to time. At some point, you or your ex-spouse may make sexual advances on the other. Don't be afraid to say no. And don't say yes out of pity or guilt. Keep things platonic, but if those romantic feelings do spark up, let them stay in the moment and dissipate. Don't hold on to them or allow them to take change your outlook of the future. If it is too much for you to handle, simply remove yourself from the situation. Don't be angry, but be compassionate and explain that you will talk again tomorrow after the situation has dissipated. If you do give in to a sexual encounter with your former spouse, you must make sure that you both know it doesn't mean anything about the future. It is a matter of the present and no further. Make sure you both understand that.

All disputes should be handled civilly and practically without arguments. You should be expecting nothing of each other in terms of support, emotionally or financially, but offer the support if needed. That is what friendship is all about. Do you expect your friend to buy you a new dress and shoes, or expect them to hug you? Of course not, although if given to you, you would probably accept. Just don't expect it.

By following these guidelines, although it is not possible to save your marriage, it may be possible to save your friendship. None of these ideas are easy and for some impossible. If you need help with this, see a good counselor or ideally someone trained in Zen Buddhism or Taoism. If this sounds like someone you would like to be, these people can help you and always remember that friendship is a two-way street. It won't work without both of you.