Don't Move-In Together Before You Get Married

Time and time again I have watched couples break up after moving in together. There seems to be a notion going around that if you don't live together before getting married, then you won't know if you're right for each other.

Couples can be together for as little as few month or for many years before taking that next "step", and in the majority of cases serious relationship problems develop or a major breakup occurs. One can only speculate as to the causes of such results

Our older generations called it "playing house" and as silly as it may sound that is exactly what it is. Couples think that in order to show that they are serious about each other or as a quick patch to cover up already existing problems, they need to replicate what couples do after you get married. A married couple moves in together, they buy things together, they cook and clean, pay bills, have soirees, and develop an entire life that revolves around each other.

Why the need to replicate what is done after marriage, instead of actually getting married? Because it's just easier. You feel that you can walk away when you want, you can do things without the other's permission because they can't tell you what to do, and you have a general false sense of freedom. However, without a solid commitment that can truly get a couple through any rough patches, there are bound to be problems.

Putting these unnecessary strains on a relationship is unwarranted. You can get to know someone the same or better without moving in together. Those couples that do go on to have a successful marriage openly talk about how they wished they hadn't moved in together before marriage. They now wonder what the big rush was and they wished they had waited to share many of those "firsts" moments newlyweds share. All that had changed was a piece of paper that pronounced them husband and wife. There was nothing new or exciting about the rite of passage other than the ceremony and reception.

There are many reasons why couples move in together before marriage. For instance, many women don't want their men to "get away," and since their significant other has not gone out and bought a ring yet, a move-in seems like the next logical step. Instead of women saying what is on their minds, which is -- what is up with the nonexistent wedding proposal? Women settle on living together and pretending that that proposal will come once that big move occurs, not realizing that they have just made it easy for the boyfriend to say to them -- what's going to change if we get married. That's exactly it. What is going to change? You're doing everything that a married couple would do. Why the need for a piece of paper? Fights start to become frequent and then the boyfriend feels obligated to jump into marriage because that's the right thing to do, or that's the only choice he has left or she'll move out.

Bringing issues to the forefront of a relationship is important and shouldn't be solved by moving in together, having babies or getting a joint bank account. If you feel that you can't talk with your partner without a fight or fear of a break-up, then you shouldn't be with them in the first place. You don't need to move forward with other significant life events with your partner with the conceived notion that that's the thing that will trigger the lifetime commitment you're waiting on. This is not how it works.

Failed move-ins can be very costly from breaking the lease early, to damaged furnishings in a fight, to losing belongings because the other partner claims it is theirs. Take a moment to actually consider how many of your friends and acquaintances have lasted through a pre-marital living arrangement. More likely than not, you will come up with more examples of failures than successes.

This is not to say that all marriages are perfect and wonderful. No matter what type of relationship you are in, you should never stay if you are seriously unhappy. However, with marriage, you don't have that notion that you can just leave when you want or do what you want, in so many words. You will actually try to work things out on a level that would not be there if you were just a couple of people living together.