Don't Open the Door

How many times does it take to get burned to keep you from opening that door again? This is a question that I often ask myself. My past relationships have been nothing short of a train wreck, and I've been left bruised, shattered, and broken so many times. So, why open the door? How can I tell Prince Charming from Mr. Psychopathic Killer? Can I really afford to get burned again, and what about the aftermath? How long would it take me to return back here behind the door?

Six years. For six years, I've been living the single life. Am I proud of this? No, but my heart is no longer black and blue nor stitched together. Those men are long gone except for one or two that still try that door, but I don't let them in. I know better, but they say they love me. But what is love? Is it allowing one to control every aspect of my life, or is it the passion of another that you know will eventually extinguish into smoke? Why play the mind games that they commence? Why spin my world inside and out? Why let them break my heart? I know I broke theirs, but I don't love them. And they are not what I want, but why can't they understand that?

I don't want to be alone. I would love to find the one right for me. My lips hunger for his kiss and for his arms to wrap around me, but in walks fear. How many lies would it take to realize the games that he is playing? How razor sharp would the knife of his betrayal become before slicing coldly into my heart? How can I tell the good from the rotten? I hate asking these questions, feeding my fear, but I am tired of riding that train straight over the edge, where I will crash and burn. I am tired of wasting time pulling myself back together again, and I am finally standing strong. But I'm still alone.

Romance can be found on the internet, so why not give it a try? My brother met his wife through a dating site, and so did my friend. I hardly meet people offline. However, I did once meet a guy off Myspace, and that was an experience that I would never do again. But now I find myself staring at my profile page, but do I really want to open that door? Who would I find waiting on the other side? Am I willing to take that chance to find out, but what if it is another experience that I will regret? With my luck, it probably would be another psychopath because the crazies seem to love me, and Prince Charming will remain nothing more than a dream.

Maybe it would be better to remain alone. I can finally feel my heart beating once again. My mind is strong and no longer shaken. I'm not that porcelain doll that was broken a hundred times, and my life is no longer a jagged road that has led me to a dead-end. I am finally going somewhere, but I do question how much further I have to walk. But I know that I will get there, but what if I break down because I let the wrong one in? How much more time would I lose to get back here? This is what I fear and why I'm still alone, but my solitude is more of a companion than prison. And only once in awhile do I feel the pain of denying love.

And this brings me to the Romantic movies. I hunger for a good Science-Fiction flick or Action adventure. I enjoy the occasional Horror, but if it is more gore than substance, then I am left in disgust. I can't deny the depth of Drama that holds me tight, but hardly do I shed a tear unless watching movies such as Beaches. But I seem to be a sucker for movies such as 27 Dresses, Catch and Release, The Lake House, and He's Just Not That Into You, but why do I do that to myself? I don't believe in happy endings, but it's because nothing ever ends. But my life is far from fairytale, and I'm still struggling to make a name for myself.

But I still dream of finding him. I'm just afraid to look. You would think that working ten years off and on in the world of retail would have sharpened my people skills, but in the presence of men do I still find myself nervous. I never know what to say, and I do have the occasional habit of sticking my foot in my mouth. I'm like an awkward teen at my first dance, which would be why I would hang out in the corner while everyone else has a great time. I blame this on my past relationships, stories told across the web, but I know that the past is over. Those men are gone, so why not open that door? Maybe he is waiting on the other side, but am I ready to find out, to find him? Or do I still need more time? Questions I still ask myself, and questions I am tired of asking. But I'm at a stalemate, resting against the door to my heart, and denying love once again.