Don't Sound Clueless About Soccer - a 12-Point Primer

Hey, the 2010 FIFA World Cup is coming this summer! Even though it's on the other side of the globe, everyone here in the United States is going to hear about it.

In some (many, most?) cases, that will involve pudgy, ignorant, parochial sportswriters insisting that soccer isn't a real sport since it doesn't stop for a commercial break every 1.72 seconds, doesn't feature double-digit scores and requires no special equipment to play. In rare instances, it will involve someone sticking it to The Man by insisting the country needs more soccer.

Since you're likely to at some point talk about soccer in the coming months, I'm going to give you a soccer primer so you can trick people into thinking you know what you're talking about. Now, you don't need to follow these tips. But for me, part of the fun of learning about a new sport is embracing and understanding its vocabulary. This will get you started.

1. Chelsea/Real Madrid - Both these clubs, one in the English Premier League and the other in Spain's Primera Liga, are the New York Yankees of club soccer. I encourage you to hate on them both. Earn extra points for calling Chelsea "Chelski" as a slam against its Soviet Steinbrenner oil baron owner, Roman Abramovich. Some might argue that you should now be railing against Manchester City because of its new wealth - problem is, Man City hasn't won anything yet or even qualified for the Champions League.

2. Manager - Like baseball, the head dude in charge of a soccer team is a manager, not a coach. If you're from Scotland or at least close to Newcastle, you can also call a manager "the gaffer." Otherwise, you sound like a poseur. Especially if you're from California.

3. Clean Sheet - This is what's called a shutout in most other sports. Correct usage: "Edwin Van de Sar led the Premier League in clean sheets last season." It would've been funnier if I used former Arsenal goalkeeper David Seaman for this example, I guess ...

4. English Premier League - You can abbreviate this as Premier League or Premiership, but for the love of god, do not call it the EPL.

5. Pitch - This is the big green patch of grass on which soccer is played. Gridiron football (aka American football) is played on a field.

6. Soccer or Football? Whatever you grew up calling it. I think an American calling soccer "football" is ludicrous unless it's a player giving an interview in Europe. Australia and New Zealand also call it soccer because, down there, football = Australian rules football. And let's not forget, it's likely England that invented the word "soccer" anyway.

7. Boots - Soccer players/footballers wear these on their feet. Cleats are the spiky things on the bottom (and apparently, the English call those studs). ALSO ... Shooting boots: What a player either has that day or doesn't, e.g. "Zamora has missed another sitter six yards out - he left his shooting boots at home today." Probably only used by the commentators in the EA Sports soccer game, but funny anyway.

8. Shirt - This is what a soccer player wears while playing, not a jersey.

9. Knockout Stage - If a team earns enough points (3 for a win, 1 for a draw, 0 for a loss) to be one of the top two teams in its World Cup group, it advances to the Knockout Stage. Lose here, and you head home ... unless it's the semifinals, in which case you play for 3rd place in the tournamant.

10. Injury/Extra Time - It's the referee's discretion to add time to the clock for injuries, stoppages and general tomfoolery. That's injury time. Extra time is two 15-minute periods after the full 90 minutes is played and the match is still a draw. It is NOT sudden death (aka golden goal) in the World Cup. If it's still a draw after the first extra time, the referee adds a second period of extra time. If that doesn't decide things ...

11. Penalty kicks - If a knockout match is still a draw after two periods of extra time, penalty kicks -the Kryptonite of English footballers- decide the outcome. Five shooters per team. Most goals wins. If it's tied, then it progresses into a sudden-death round. For example, if Faroe Islands scores and Spain doesn't, Faroe Islands wins (in an alternate universe in which Faroe Islands qualified).

12. Goalkeeper - This is the person who wears big, padded gloves and can handle the ball (inside the box, anyway). These people are not "goalies" or "goaltenders." They do not "mind the net" and they are not "between the pipes."

Now, these 12 tips are just the first that came to mind. If you want real soccer wisdom and genuine sports enjoyment, pick up a copy of FourFourTwo at your local bookseller. The photography is great, and it's genuinely funny and informative. If you're new to soccer, it'll take you awhile to catch everything. But you'll catch on soon enough.