Don't Tear Your Children Down with "Tough Love"

You got what you deserved. Maybe this will teach you to try harder next time. Harsh words indeed. Those words are even harsher when being spoken to a child from a parent. I know many of you may say what kind of parent will talk down to their children that way. The truth of the matter is, there are some parents who are absolutely insensitive to their children's shortcomings and failures.

In some cases, mostly with boys, some fathers seem to think this is the right way to make a man out of their boy. They show no sympathy or affection. Many times, the boy feels as though he can't live up to his parents' expectations of him. It's not good enough to make the junior varsity team, he has to make varsity. And if he makes varsity, he'd better be first string instead of warming the bench for more than half the game. In the cases I've seen with girls, grades seem to be at the top of the list. High grades are expected from her and at the same time she should be successful in all of her extracurricular activities.

Now there is nothing wrong with wanting to raise a well rounded child with a good head on their shoulders. The problem comes when parents expect too much from their children. If one of your parents was in the military while you were growing up and they treated all of their children like "little soldiers," you do not have to follow their same parenting technique. Children are people too who need to develop their own identities and accomplish the goals they have set for themselves, not the goals you have set for them. Just like adults have made their choices in life, whether good or bad, a child has the right to do the same. They aren't always going to succeed at everything they try. And a child doesn't know that you love them if you never say so. While you may call it tough love, they may think that you hate them. To a child that is overwhelmed with pressure from their parents and is ridiculed for each mistake they make, they aren't going to think that you're only treating them that way because you love them.

I've seen parents go irate at their children's little league games or other events. Not only do they yell profanity at the coaches and referees, and umpires, some of them actually talk down to the children. So what if your kid struck out twice, let him try to enjoy just being a part of the game. No matter how good any of us are at anything, we all have our off days. We all make mistakes. The difference between a child making a mistake and an adult making a mistake is the child is looking for an adult to help pick them back up. They are looking for an adult to say, "Hey, that's ok you did your best. You'll get 'em next time." When adults make mistakes, in most cases we are strong enough to pick ourselves back up. We don't have to look to our parents or spouse all the time for help getting back in the game. Deep down inside of us, we know that there are times when we will strike out. Even if someone is standing over us telling us we deserved it, our skin is thick enough to not let their negative words penetrate us.

Think of a child. When you pop a toddler's hand for touching something they shouldn't have, the first thing they do is look you in the eyes. You can see the hurt in their eyes before they even begin to cry. Now while you probably did not pop them excessively hard, their feelings were hurt. That's why they always come back to you and hug you; they need to know that you still love them. Older children are no different. When they make a mistake or are failing in school, you can express your concern or disappointment. However, don't tear them down about it. Toss them a few, "Good game, slugger" or "Just keep trying your best" instead of something along the lines of "You're going to practice everyday after school until you get it right" or "Any grade lower than an A is not acceptable in this house. I will not accept anything less than perfect." How can we tell our children we won't accept anything less than perfect from them when the fact of the matter is there is no one perfect in all of the world? Of course parents want to see their children succeed. Naturally you want your child to grow up to be the best they can be but ridiculing them and putting them down isn't going to help them to get there.

Suppose you have a child that just goofs off in school or doesn't put forth any effort. Maybe there is a need for some tough love such as taking away extra privileges until they pull their act together. Or maybe your child just needs some tutoring or extra help with things. I know there are times when we have to be tough on our children, I'm just saying a child should still feel loved and should not be under so much parental pressure that they are scared to even breathe wrong. There has to be a balance between the discipline and the TLC that they so desperately need.