Don't Touch that Dial!

I remember not having a TV. I know that dates me, but that's okay. With my credit score, nothing else is going to date me.

I also remember when America's clarion call was "who needs a hand," not "who needs a hand-out," but if I get started on that, not even my television will date me, so I'll rein in that reminiscence.

Each summer, we pine for our shows - our friends! our favorite shows! - that are gone until autumn. And we're driven to unnatural acts, like reading, or going outside. How we miss our friends!

A few days ago it was actually reported, as hard news, that American Idol had begun auditions for next season. Ah! Salvation!

So last night, while waiting for my TV to finish getting dressed for our date, I rooted around for some leaks about next fall's lineup and, as ever, Joe Biden delivered. Here, then, are some new show previews, and some channel highlights, for the upcoming season.

[NEW] Lou Federal Grant: A fractious but endearing editor, desperate to save America's last newspaper, secures Federal funding by getting his reporters classified as an endangered species. Hilarity results as Bucky, the copy boy, is adopted by PETA.

On CSPAN: The current Senator and former female Barbara Boxer hosts "The Hubris Hour," a how-to primer of condescending ways to insult outstanding Americans who have been of some actual value to their country. Sponsored by the Spanish Inquisition.

On MSNBC: Both remaining viewers alternate between hosting the show and calling in to the show. Riveting repartee! (We should note that, as far as we can tell, they may already be doing this)

[NEW] Who Wants To Horse-Whip A Millionaire? Three fractious but endearing sexual predators, living under a causeway in Miami, vow to rid their city of people who worked hard to make something of themselves. Funding provided by the Department of Paycheck Equalization.

On Animal Planet: Members of the star-struck White House Press Corps depart on a big-game safari to the Camp David cafeteria, risking life and limb in hopes of bagging the vicious multi-eyed House Fly.

[NEW] My Mother, The Czar: Fractious but endearing senior citizens make a Faustian deal when they agree to enlist with ACORN's Census Tuning Troopers in return for rationed medical care. Starring Nancy Pelosi as Nurse Ratched, Larry Craig as J. Edgar Hoover, and Oscar Wilde as Barbara Boxer.

On FoxNews: Coverage of the media's love affair with Obama continues when it's discovered that NBC's Brian Williams slipped the President a folded note: "I love u! do u love me 2? check Yes or No" Geraldo confirms that Glenn Beck has now shed more tears than Sally Struthers. Sean Hannity and Mitt Romney square off in a wind-tunnel showdown to see whose hair moves first.

[NEW] Low-Impact Pro-Union Dancing with the Bailed-Out Stars of The Real Housewives of Former Enemy Combatants: The most inclusive, confusing, reality-free reality show ever! So it's narrated by Ozzy Osbourne. Catering provided by Bermuda's overnight sensation, Chez Uighur.

[NEW] The Joe Biden Hour: A weekly digest of gaffes from good ole "Mr. One Heartbeat Away." If we can fit it in a single hour.

On CNN: Larry King interviews Air Force One, which was critically damaged when the President's ego exploded.

On The Obama Channel: Don't miss our new contest! Contestants are given only the left-hand teleprompter's parts of a presidential speech, and then challenged to construct a cogent Middle East policy. Sponsored by Hezbollah and the US Tennis Association.

[NEW] Stock Market Bingo: As America persists in printing dollars by the pound, join your host, John Maynard "I'm Still Here" Keynes, while contestants from Green Technology startups vie for open positions on the Dow 30 by throwing darts at the STOP button on the Fed's printing press. Brought to you by the Weimar Republic.

[NEW] Lock, Load, Pull! Because when you're bird-hunting, if somebody yells "duck!" it doesn't always mean what you think! A clever outdoor-sports reality show with a humorous twist. Host: the fractious but endearing Dick Cheney.

24: The President goes insane, repeatedly muttering "Mirror, mirror, on the wall," and agent Jack Bauer has until midnight to stop Congress from passing Universal Health Care. Chloe cleverly encrypts every other page of the 80,000-page bill, but her plan is thwarted, as Congress never intended to read the bill anyhow. Characters from earlier 24 seasons make cameo appearances, including many that we are absolutely sure were killed last season. Tensions reach a fever pitch when Jack appears before Congress and responds to Barbara Boxer's snide probing with a terse "No, sir."

So hang in there, America. A fabulous fall season looms! And a good thing, too, since the Sports Czar just banned NCAA football.