Don't Train Your Child to Be a Train Wreck

I do not often think of my own background until I read stories similar to the one that recently appeared in No Longer Quivering. The author of the blog posted a story written by someone who wanted to know the absolute, best way to raise a child and was given a copy of "To Train Up A Child" by Michael and Debi Pearl, two proponents of the Quiverfull movement. The person in question was also a member of the movement and was introduced to the belief that raising a child that is obedient to parents, is obedient to God. Of course, this is far from being a new belief, since it has long been practiced by many Protestant denominations and the Roman Catholic church. Having come from a background of the latter (though no longer practicing; I changed religions a few times during my adult years) I have experienced the same thing. It is not difficult to imagine my own parents in the role of the Pearls, experiencing the sort of obedience they write about. Of course, using intimidation towards even one's adult children is on the unacceptable side, while some people may question its use towards small children. Transforming the concept of God into an anthropomorphic image does not help to gain obedience, as if obedience is the primary reason in faith. Many people call this blind obedience - simply obeying what one's parents say without questioning. Even if the parents dictate to their child to do something illegal while they are under the influence of substances, that is a form of obedience to be questioned. Honor is another word casually tossed about and is frequently quoted from the commandment "Honor thy mother and father." Honor is not synonymous with obedience here although a parent will have a better chance of procuring obedience from a child rather than honor, which is something that must be earned.

Perfection is frequently demanded of children in this type of parenting, even a form of perfection the parents themselves have not reached. From a psychological point of view, what happens is the parents may hold ideas of perfection while not quite yet achieving them, but expect their children to follow these ideas to the letter. For the most part, these include things like keeping your kids from becoming hoodlums, criminals, running around with the opposite gender (which frequently leads to unwanted pregnancies), and a feeling of failure on the child's part. Perfection has more often than not led to children feeling inadequate, not good enough, which can lead to more serious problems later on in life. I was no exception. Even if the adult child does seek psychiatric help, it may take years to undo the damage inflicted upon him or her. Such problems can include being unable to look for a job, maintaining a job for any decent length of time, allowing one's troubled past to influence the present, even social relationships. It can be very damaging, for example, to be told as a child that you are not only responsible for your actions and words but also those who mistreat you. Or being told that you are not good enough to work at something and be successful since it would take away the opportunity someone else better deserves. Quite possibly the worst is sacrificial altruism, meaning the child must constantly sacrifice at every turn in his or her life, and never be able to look after his or her own needs once he or she becomes of legal age. That is a scary thought but also a recipe for a lifetime welfare recipient. But the saddest part of all is that this sort of parenting is all done in the name of "love." But there is no "love" that takes place, certainly not in the internal emotional sphere. The child will feel fear, aloof, may even visibly turn to other sources of love right in front of the parent (in many cases, teens will turn to the opposite gender, but wind up in a sexual relationship to fill that emotional void, which never works). Thus this method of child raising tends to be more distant than realized, having more in common with the way children were raised in previous centuries. Yet there was a very good reason for this method of child rearing back then: the high infant mortality rate.

In present day America, the infant mortality rate is relatively low compared to that of the 18^th and 19^th centuries. Movements such as Quiverfull attempt to re-create life as it was in those days, being agrarian based, having extraordinarily large families even though most people in this movement do not own nor till acres of crops which requires lots of little hands to help. Because so many babies and children died young due to disease, and poor maternal health, getting emotionally close to a child would only cause heartbreak on the part of the parents. Thus being distant but diligent with child rearing was the only option, an option not really needed nowadays.

While the concept of family has changed, especially since the end of World War 2 with the advent of the nuclear family, the need for large families has decreased across the nation. Children were no longer regarded as essential workers but rather to be loved and enjoyed. Children were allowed to be children, play, develop, go to school, and be carefree. Discipline did not have to be so tightfisted and certainly not in the name of God. Living in fear of constant punishment did not a healthy child make.

The bottom line is this: children should be loved, not just had. In our modern society when so many women want a baby just for the sake of wanting a baby, the results of how these children will react to their parents' methods of raising them will be surprising to say the least. Neither should children be had just to "increase the ranks" of some religious movement. More is not always better, and as one Biblical scripture states, having too much of one thing simply is not good for anyone, and this goes for children who are being bred as pawns for a much larger game.

"To Train Up a Child" does have the potential to train up a trainwreck, one that may grow up resenting not only the parents but also oneself for not taking action when it should have been taken. Parents who alienate their children from themselves and the world they should be enjoying do themselves a major disservice. It is a myth that children love their parents unconditionally (I personally know of no one who does) no matter how old the child is. Such books as the one written by the Pearls only encourages a certain degree of bullying by the parents in order to satisfy their egos.

http://nolongerquivering.com/2010/10/12/family-man-family-leader-to-train-a-child-what-a-train-wreck/