Don't Want to Remain Friends? Getting Rid of the Ex-Boyfriend of Your Nightmares

So here's the scenario. You've just gotten out of your last relationship. You and your boyfriend ended on good terms. Both of you realized that things just weren't working out right. As a matter of fact, you decide that you can be good friends. After all he was an important part of your life and it just doesn't seem right for you to never talk again. But suddenly your friendly conversations have become just a bit too frequent. He starts ending them with phrases like... "Man I never should have let you go" and every so often he shows up at your house for a "friendly night out". You're ready to move on, date new people and live a new life. But he just keeps hanging on... to you, your mom, your friends. Here's how to get rid of your pesky ex.

Scenario # 1 He just won't stop calling your phone.

Solution # 1 Get one of your male friends to start answering your phone for you. Do this enough times and most guys will get the hint. Make sure you pick a friend whose voice he won't recognize and make sure he sounds extremely casual and comfortable answering your phone.

Solution # 2 If you have an extremely jealous ex ( like so many of us do) having a guy answer your phone may backfire on you. So you've got to try a different tactic. If you want to get really creative, crank up some loud music (doesn't matter what time of day) and yell into the phone whenever he calls. He'll think you're having the time of your life without him and will hopefully leave you alone.

Solution # 3 This solution is an almost sure fire way to get rid of those annoying phone calls. Just be straightforward. I'm sure you're concerned about hurting his feelings, but there is a way to do this without causing too much harm. It goes like this "I really enjoy our friendship, but I think I need some time to get over you. I'd really appreciate it if you didn't call me for a while." His ego will be boosted by the idea that you're still pining away over him. But he'll also get the picture that it's not okay for him to call anymore.

Scenario #2 Your mother loves him and he likes to use this as a way to conveniently hang around your family's home and get information about who you're spending time with.

Solution #1 Call your mother crying on the phone. When she asks what's wrong, sob "I just found out Rob was cheating on me the entire time we were dating". There, that'll fix him.

Solution # 2 Plant a box labeled "His stuff" directly next to your front door. Then fill it with lots of Playboy magazines and (if you're really bold) weird sex paraphernalia. The next time your mom comes over make sure she gets a good look at it. Then plant a horrified look on your face and exclaim "Oh, that's so embarrassing!" while whisking it off into the bedroom. If she inquires further about it, make sure to say "I tried to ignore it for so long, but I just couldn't take it anymore."

Solution # 3 Talk to your mom openly. Chances are if she truly understands your reasons for ending the relationship, she'll be a little more sympathetic to your situation. That doesn't mean she has to know all of the details though. Some things are better left unsaid. But you can let her know that you don't appreciate it if she refuses to respect your privacy. This may require being a little assertive.

Scenario # 3 Whenever you open your front door he seems to be standing in front of it

Solution #1 Booby trap your front door a la summer camp style. Buckets of water, paint, or even chocolate will suffice. I'd stay away from the pig's blood though.

Solution #2 Open the door in ratty sweats, hair in a ponytail, and pink goop spread all over your face. When he asks what's wrong say, "Oh nothing, the doctor thinks I'll get rid of this flesh eating bug within the month, if I don't end up in the hospital first. I'm pretty sure its not contagious."

Solution # 3 Tell him, " I know that you're used to showing up over here whenever you feel like it, but now that we're no longer together I don't think its such a good idea. Please don't come over here anymore, I need for you to respect my privacy."

The true key to getting rid of your clueless boyfriend is to be assertive and honest. Seriously, remember you can not sound as if you might be willing to let him back in. If he feels that he has even an inkling of a chance he will not give up. If all else fails, put a block on your phone and get a restraining order. Or better yet, let your big cousin Vinnie talk to him. Yes, I'm serious. If a guy can't take it when you tell him openly not to call or show up at your house then he has a problem that he (not you) needs to solve. You can do it. I promise. Get rid of the ex of your nightmares so you can move on to the man of your dreams.