Don'ts for Soccer Moms and Dads

I've been involved in the youth soccer scene for several years now as a parent and spectator. My oldest daughter began playing recreational soccer when she was 5 years old and my younger daughter began playing when she was 4. Soccer was not as big in my corner of the world when I was a kid, so I approached the idea of my girls playing organized soccer cautiously. Up until that time, I believed if you couldn't touch the ball with your hands, it wasn't a real sport. However, I soon cast off this bias and became a reluctant soccer parent. By this I mean I got my girls to and from their practices and their games and sacrificed my weekends, supporting them silently but positively from the sidelines. The girls were having fun. Soccer got them out of the house, it provided them with an active social life, exposure to friendly competition and exercise, and it taught them the value of teamwork and cooperation.

I have watched them grow as players and people over the years as a result of this experience. Even though I still don't completely understand the game the way I understand the sport of baseball, which I played as a child, that doesn't really matter, because I don't have to. I am not coaching or refereeing the game. I understand the basics. As long as my daughters understand it and know what to do, that is all that matters. It was their understanding of the game that enabled my daughters to make the obligatory transition from recreational soccer to club soccer at the traditional age of 10, where the competition among players and unfortunately the parents is more intense, and the stakes and the pressure are amped up more than they need to be.

Even now, as my oldest daughter is approaching the last half of her sophomore year in high school and my youngest daughter is about to enter high school, my understanding of the game has not increased greatly, but my understanding of many of the people surrounding the game and people in general has. Being the introverted, passive spectator on the sidelines has given me the opportunity over the years to sit back and observe the behavior or misbehavior of multitudes of other parents and spectators from the recreational soccer level to the club soccer level. My observations have prompted me to make the following list of don'ts for all youth soccer parents and spectators. Take a good look at yourself. If you are engaging in any of the behaviors below, you might want to look inward and reassess what impression you are making on other parents and spectators on the sidelines and more importantly the example you are setting for your kids and the other kids on the field. You are going to look up one day and your kids will be taking your place on the sideline cheering on their own kids - your grand kids. The way they behave on the sidelines will be shaped by how you behaved as a spectator when they were young players.

Don't brag about your child excessively

You can be as proud and happy for your child and their accomplishments on the field as you want to be but save the boisterous praise and the excessive congratulations for after the game away from the field, in the car or at home. High fiving your child, handing out cash rewards, and popping the cork on champagne and pouring it over his or her head while still at the field to celebrate how well your child did is a little over the top, and an embarrassment to the child. If you feel the need or desire to celebrate, make a surprise stop on the way home for ice cream or some other reward to show your child how proud and happy you are of his or her performance. Don't make a spectacle of yourself or your child on the field. If you must share your enthusiasm for your child's play, post it on Facebook so your bragging is limited to friends and family who have the option of reading your post or ignoring it.

Don't talk to the referee

No matter how much you think you know about soccer, or what you think you saw, the referee is the one making the calls, and for the most part has a better perspective of what is happening on the field than you do sitting on your lazy butt on the sideline in that chair it takes you three tries to get out of. In all the years I have been watching soccer, I have yet to see a referee, turn to an argumentative parent and say, "You know, you're right. Why didn't I think of that." And then reverse the call to please the parent. There are going to be bad calls and good calls. Some will go your team's way and some will not. Learn to accept that and most likely it will all come out even in the end. Additionally, I find it hard to believe that this has to be said in this day and age, but don't make racist comments about the referees because the calls are not going your team's way. It is not some secret brotherhood trying to take over the game or the country, just because they happen to speak another language predominantly. If you are making these types of comments on the sideline, then you probably feel this way in general and you have more serious problems than just taking cheap shots at referees because you disagree with them.

Don't bring your dog to games

I don't care if your dog is Lassie, or was trained by Jesus and can eat with utensils, wipe his own butt with toilet paper, enter your alarm code at home, or is so much a part of the family that you have left him instead of your children some of your most cherished possessions in your will. I don't want to be sniffed, licked or slobbered on by your dog or anyone or thing, especially on the sidelines. My crotch is not a pet pillow. I don't want my game viewing disturbed by your dog trying to get to third base with me, or barking or whining because it sees another animal or escaped fugitive, or smells someone else's dog on another person. I don't want to see you sharing your bottled water with your dog. I don't even share my bottled water with my kids and we share the same DNA. Leave your dog at home. If your dog is that interested in the game, take pictures and text them to him (I'm sure he has his own cell phone) or hold a family/pet screening later in the privacy of your own home so you can keep the sniffing, licking, and slobbering at home where it belongs.

Don't coach from the sidelines

Remember you are at the game in the role of a parent/spectator. They probably asked at the beginning of the season for volunteers to coach, but you said you did not have time because of work, your golf game, or your fantasy football league. However, one of the other parents with just as many or more work and personal commitments did volunteer, so sit down and be quiet. Watch the game and remember the coach is just a volunteer that stepped up to play a supportive role in your child's life, a role which you were too busy to fulfill when called upon. Not only that, the coaching you are doing is probably wrong and you are confusing more than helping your child and the other players on the team because they are getting conflicting information from opposite sides of the field. Your child probably has a better understanding of where to be and what to do on the field than you do, even if you played soccer as a youth or you coached other children. Sit down in your comfy soccer chair and let the coach do what he or she volunteered to do. Your coaching job is at home where it is actually your responsibility to support and shape your child's life.

Don't referee from the sidelines

Once again, no matter how great your knowledge is of soccer, the referee has a better perspective on what is happening on the field than you do through your Foster Grant wrap-a-rounds and the cloud of steam rising from your over sized Starbuck's fashion beverage. Don't motion with your hand or shout out whose ball it is when it goes out of bounds. You are not calling the game. Don't yell "Hand Ball!" anytime the ball hits an opposing player above the knees. Don't plea for a yellow card or a red card when an opposing player talks smack, trips, knocks down, or tries to pants your child. If the referee saw it, he hopefully will call it correctly. If he didn't see it or he didn't see it the way you saw it, all of your yelling and wild flailing from the sidelines will not change it. It will just make you look like a loud jerk. Do you really think this will make your child proud of you? Take a sip from your overpriced beverage and let the children play.

Don't talk bad about other kids on the team

Don't comment negatively on the players or their performance on the field or criticize the ability or skills of the players. You never know if that child's parents or grandparents are sitting next to you. Maybe the child's family isn't sitting near you, but they have very acute hearing and what you think is whispering, is audible to them. Or even worse, the child may overhear you or another child may overhear you and repeat what you said. Every child is going to have a different skill level that is going to develop and peak at different times. Some children may be approaching the sport as a form of recreation and fun and some may have aspirations to be college and professional soccer players. They can't all be expected to excel at every aspect of the game, throughout the game, during every game. Each child is going to have good games and bad games, good plays and not so good plays. Some of the children will play great on day one, others may take a little longer to develop, or may never excel past average, while the ones that started out as great will probably taper off over the years until many of the children will be about the same skill level. All your moaning and complaining about the inferiority of other players will not change any of this. It will only cause bitterness among players and parents, unhealthy competition, and take the fun out of the game for everyone.

Don't use soccer clichés

It is really annoying when people can't offer an original thought and merely repeat what they have heard from others or have been brought up to say because they don't have anything interesting to add. Unfortunately, you get this in stereo on the soccer sidelines and it rarely changes, regardless of the age group or level of play. You constantly hear "Good idea" or "Unlucky" from parents when a player unsuccessfully executes a play, or "NICE!" when a player does something mediocre that a parent feels is extraordinary, like kicking the ball in the right direction without hitting himself or herself in the face. There is also the obligatory "Go To!" when the parents feel like their team isn't getting to the ball fast enough. Or the one used by players and parents alike - "Ball Help!" which can be loosely translated as, "I'm too lazy to chase after that ball I just missed, can you sprint 200 yards and get it for me even though you are carrying two toddlers and a fast food drink? I will be in the shade texting my BFF." If I had a dime for every time (yes I used a cliché to describe my distaste for clichés) I heard any of these expressions over the years, I would be rich enough to pay every parent on the sideline to keep their mouths shut for the duration of the game or at least invest in some noise canceling headphones so I could sit back and enjoy the game in the originality of silence.

Don't act like your child is the star of the team

No matter how great of a player you think your child is, take it down several notches and introduce yourself to reality. I don't care if your child can bicycle kick a cigarette out of a hooker's mouth at 25 yards, he or she is not as great as you think. There is always going to be someone better and someone worse than your child as far as soccer playing goes. Many of the parents I have run across on the sidelines throughout the years talk like their child is the star of the team and everyone else should be in awe of their child and astounded with the hands of fate for allowing them to conceive such a soccer sensation. What they don't mention is this is the same child who a couple of years earlier was picking flowers on the field oblivious to the game going on around him or her, or the one that kept getting his or her head caught in the net.

These same parents seem to be conspicuously silent when their child screws up or makes a mistake on the field. It is mathematically impossible for all these parents to be correct in this over assessment of their child's skill and ability. If it were true, we would have an unbeatable super race of soccer players that would constantly win the World Cup and bring home the gold in the Olympics, and the terrorist would never win. It's okay to hold these kind of expectations and dreams for your kids, but keep them to yourself like the rest of your fantasies, and if they come true one day, then everyone else will know and hopefully share in the joy, but if they don't come true, you have nothing to lose except the time you spent privately dreaming about your child's success.

Don't bring noise makers or perform cheers on the sidelines

This is not the World Cup, World Series, or Super Bowl, and the outcome of this game will not affect whether your child goes to Disneyland, or scores sweet endorsement deals. It is a friendly competition between kids who probably have no other thoughts during the game other than what TV show or computer game is going to occupy the rest of their weekend when that final whistle blows - not victory or loss. Healthy, contained cheering from the sideline is fine, but it should not be an in your face celebration at Mardi Gras levels used to taunt the other team's players and parents and tout the winning team's self-perceived superiority.

Soccer teams usually have a cheer before taking the field and that's okay. But the parents should not be in the organized cheer business, especially at the older age levels. The spectators should not be doing the wave, building human pyramids, blowing air horns, banging drums, rattling noise makers, blowing bubbles, pounding inflatable bats, setting off fireworks, or chanting organized cheers. The sideline should not sound like the Chili's wait staff celebrating a customer's birthday. This should not even have to be said at the older age levels. However, and this is not an exaggeration but my daughter as a teen played another teenage team whose parents had not just written a cheer but choreographed accompanying drill team like dance moves. We will call this team the Fighting Dorks for the sake of anonymity. When their team scored or at any other high points in their favor during the game the parents (the men and the women) in a high pitched cheer would chant in unison:

FIGHT- FIGHT -FIGHTING DORKS
FIGHT - FIGHT - FIGHTING DORKS
YEA!!! WHOOOOO!!!

As if following the unnecessary instructions on a shampoo bottle (dense, blather, repeat) they would sing the cheer a second time for anyone that may have been yawning or having a seizure and didn't capture all of the subtle nuances the first time. Then they would do something very similar to jazz hands to punctuate their celebration with emotional glitter. I am all for supporting your team but this is dangerously close to enabling a drug addict. It makes both parties feel better at the time, but in the end everyone suffers.

Don't engage in gossip, campaigning, or politicking on the sideline

Don't talk about who is messing with whom and who has bribed who within the soccer community to affect the position or amount of time your child plays. The majority of what you have heard and what you say is untrue, unsubstantiated, hearsay and probably initiated by you or someone like you with selfish motives. Don't fish for information (gossip) or supply information (gossip) that you feel will improve your child's standing on the team or in the soccer club. This is a youth soccer game not the mid-term elections.

Don't try to disguise selfish motives as concern for other children on the team, or say or do anything designed to improve your child's station on the team or within the soccer community at the expense of other children or parents. This is youth soccer, not corporate America. Stop the insanity and take a breath. You are so busy trying to step on everyone else for the benefit of yourself and your child, you are squandering the childhood itself. It is slipping away as you finagle and bargain on the sideline for something you and your child will never attain, regardless of what you have been led to believe.

Don't berate your child on his or her playing

If your child is not playing to the level that is satisfying to you, or your child makes a mistake on the field, let it go. Your child will most likely realize what he or she did wrong and it will probably be addressed by the coach at the time or after the game. Don't berate your child, shout your disapproval or scream instructions from the sideline on how it was supposed to be done. Your child is going to the practices and playing in the games, not you. Your child knows more about what they are supposed to do on the field than you. Your child is not going to be perfect on the field or in life all of the time, just like you are not. Does your child come to Take Your Kid to Work Day and shout disapproval of your performance or scream instructions on how things should be done when you make mistakes at work? Think of how you would feel if your child did this in front of your boss and your peers. It would embarrass you, break your spirit, and damage your self-esteem. Now hold that thought and keep it in mind the next time you get the urge to criticize and berate your child from the sideline.

Don't try to recapture your youth and revenge perceived injustice of your youth sports experience through your child

You had your window. Maybe you got married early and had 5 kids with rhyming names and had to put your athletic dreams to rest, or you suffered a career ending groin or coccyx injury while over celebrating the only goal you ever made for your own team, and couldn't pursue your sport as you got older; or economic factors played a part, or a coach along the way cut you from the team because he or she didn't think you had what it took because you always got that blank, stunned stare and recited random Biblical passages whenever you headed the ball. Whatever the reason, those days are over. You have to come to terms with the fact that your playing days have passed and you are going to be a spectator not a participant now. Your child is not responsible for, or the solution to the destruction of your athletic aspirations. Don't push your child to be what you couldn't be and don't use them as a pawn in your game of comeuppance or vengeance against those people and situations that you feel sidelined your athletic success. Chances are, your child will only play to try to please you and not for his or her own happiness and fulfillment and will probably foster resentment toward you and this may diminish his or her enjoyment of the game. Do you want to be responsible for that?

Don't encourage your child to foul and play dirty, or praise them, or reward them when they do

Yes we want our kids to play hard and be competitive but more importantly we want them to be good sports and to play fair. Don't encourage your kids to foul kids on the other team even if the other team is fouling or being overly aggressive toward your child. This is the time to be teaching your kids to take the high road and practice good sportsmanship. This practice can be carried throughout life and make the world or at least the part of it your child comes in contact with a better place. If your child is being fouled constantly, or the other team is being unnecessarily aggressive toward your child, teach your child to stand his or her own ground and not give in, but don't encourage your child to fight back or return the aggression with more aggression. Not only is this the wrong behavior to instill in your child, chances are the referee may not see the original foul, but the retaliation from your child and your child could get called or carded for the foul instead. This could have negative consequences for your child and the team and affect the outcome of the game. To draw the political analogy again, just as a political candidate who feels he can't win on his record or the facts resorts to mudslinging and personal attacks on his opponent, dirty play and overly aggressive play on the soccer field is practiced out of frustration to make up for the offending player's lack of necessary skills. It should not be encouraged or rewarded by parents or coaches. If this type of behavior is unacceptable for something as important as selecting our leaders, why would it be acceptable for something as simple as a youth sport?

I focused on mainly the annoying and bothersome behavior that I have witnessed over the years surrounding my children's soccer experience. However, the majority of soccer parents I have come in contact with are good, well behaved people who just want what is best for their children out of the soccer experience. Unfortunately, the parents and spectators that don't behave overshadow the parents that do, because they are usually louder and more noticeable. If these parents and spectators adhered to this list of don'ts on the sideline, then the youth soccer experience would be more enjoyable and healthier for all of the players, parents, and spectators involved.