Do's and Don'ts: How to Admit You Cheated

So you were caught cheating and you want to fess up. You may have already been racking your brain thinking of the right time to tell your significant other and how to go about it. As difficult as it can be for someone to hear that he or she has been cheated on, the situation can be made even worse depending on how the cheater goes about admitting it. There's no easy way for the truth to come to light, however, there are do's and don'ts to consider that can possibly help control the amount of damage created.

DO fess up in a private setting

If there are any people around, it's not the place to admit to your cheating. Not only will it embarrass your significant other but you're letting other people in on your private business. Also, avoid coming clean while the person is, or will be, driving a car. Driving while emotionally distraught isn't safe for anyone in or around the car.

DON'T tell your significant other during a high or low point

Both of you need to start off as calm as possible when you break the news. This means that neither of you should be angry or distraught over something else, such as a job loss, a death or a fight. This can have an effect on the ability to think as clearly as possible in an already difficult situation. Make sure he or she is also not overly excited about something, such as a promotion or buying a car, otherwise you could poison the memories of that moment and it will forever be associated with learning you cheated.

DO give a sincere apology

Apologize for the cheating, for the hurt you caused and say that you completely regret it happening. Emphasize that it won't happen again. If the words aren't a hundred percent genuine, it will come through in the apology.

DON'T wait to admit to cheating

The longer you wait to tell your significant other that you cheated, the worse it will be. This leaves room for anger over the fact that you didn't fess up sooner. There's also the chance that someone will spill the information first. Don't make the mistake of thinking that it can't happen. In a technology driven world, it's highly likely.

DO be prepared for anything

When someone receives a blow as devastating as learning they were cheated on, there's no telling what the reaction will be. Be prepared for everything from crying to screaming to angry words and if you're engaged, you may even have the ring thrown at you. Never assume you know how the person is going to react.

DON'T blame anyone but yourself

There's a good chance if you in any way blame anyone but yourself, you will see the amount of anger amplified. You need to state that you take full responsibility for what happened. Whether the other person threw themselves at you or you were distraught over a fight with your significant other, you were the one in the relationship and you were the one with the final say as to whether or not it happened. Anything other than "I know I was wrong, it's my fault." will likely be seen as a very bad excuse.

DO choose your words carefully

There are certain sentences that, although probably well intentioned, are going to likely escalate the anger and hurt. Some sentences to avoid include:

• " I knew from the minute it started it was a bad idea." (Potential response, "So you knew but you continued with it anyway?")

• " I know how you feel." (Even if you've been cheated on before, every person feels differently and every person is different as is every situation. Potential response, "You have ZERO idea how I feel.")

• " My friend/boss/father/mailman told me not to tell you but I knew I had to." (Potential answer, "You told ________ before you told me? How many other people know? What am I the last person to find out?)

DON'T offer all the details

Your significant other may want to know all the gory details about who, where and when it happened. Absolutely be honest about the person's name. As far as the details, it may seem like a good idea to spill everything, but those details may do more harm for the person than good. Don't offer any information until your significant other asks. If the question comes up, answer it thoroughly enough that you were honest and he or she is satisfied with the answer, but not where you're offering up excessive details.

DO show you're sorry

If you are truly remorseful, consider doing whatever your significant other wants you to do to show you're sorry. It may be going to counseling or cutting the person out of your life that you cheated with. Choosing not to do what is asked will likely be taken by your significant other as a sign that you're not really sorry.

DON'T argue back

You need to give the person a chance to express every word he or she needs to, even if that includes screaming while crying. Be passionate about your apology but keep in mind that arguing or yelling back may be viewed as you being defensive or you being angry at your significant other instead of with yourself.

DO give your significant other space

If he or she asks for space and you keep up the contact anyway, it's only going to likely infuriate the person. It may be viewed as blatant disrespect for a simple request. If you are hoping for a reconciliation, this is probably not the best way to make it happen.

DON'T badmouth your significant other or reveal details

Loved ones are likely going to ask what happened, especially if you two are currently broken up. The best course of action is to state that you cheated and that's why you broke up. You could also state that you fessed up about it and you profusely apologized, but leave it at that. Saying anything more than that, especially something along the lines of how he or she flipped out, overreacted, made too big a deal out of it or was being nasty, will not be perceived in the best way.

It's not going to be easy to admit to the cheating, but keeping it quiet could be worse than telling the truth. Things have a way of coming to light and as long as you two are together and the person doesn't know, you will likely constantly be worried about the secret being exposed. If he or she finds out in the future, not only will the cheating be upsetting, but combined with that will be the lying. The person should decide what to do about the situation without you making the decision for them without them having a clue.