Dreadfully Inaccurate Biographies: No. 1 - Leonardo Da Vinci

Leonardo da Vinci was born in a Berlin cinema in 1741. Inspired by Danny Kaye films as a child, Leonardo developed into a dancer of such great skill that he was the character whatisname, John Travoltore played in Saturday Morning Feather.

But Leonardo da Vinci was a man of all the talents. He was an accomplished juggler, good at darts, and a good mountain climber. He also threw a few paintings together, including Moaner Lisa.

He didn't have to worry about money did Leonardo, as daddy was a lawyer, and mummy was a peasant... Leonardo also played soccer for Brazil, and became a manager of AC Milan, but let's not dwell on that...

It's fair to say that Leonardo da Vinci was quite vain. He built a 3 inch high statue of himself in polystyrene, which stands in the center of Zurich to this day.

Scared of Women

If I were to tell you that Leonardo was interested in writing out scientific stuff in notebooks, written from right to left, you wouldn't believe me. Who would want to create mirror writing?

It has been suggested that Leo didn't like the idea of sex. He was a veggie, and despised cruelty to all living things. Leonardo da Vinci also created the washing machine, after his sexually frustrated girlfriend Tiffany threw some washing at him, screaming: "Here you are, clean these brown stains yourself." Too lazy to do just that, Mr. Vince knocked up a washing machine in his garden shed.

Leonardo da Vinci was fascinated by the human body, and he cut up a few people to see what was cooking down there. He, as you all know, effectively invented space rockets, the hovercraft, the telephone, television, radio, photography, movies, Snickers, corn flakes, Coke, Levi's, the electric kettle, and 253 more things we can't do without.

The Five Truths (apart from Moaner Lisa being Mona Lisa, of course)

1. His father was a lawyer and his mother was a peasant.
2. Leonardo was into mirror writing.
3. Was a bit averse to sex - apparently.
4. Leo was a vegetarian, and cared about the welfare of all living things.
5. He did carry out dissections for scientific purposes.