Dreadfully Inaccurate Biographies: No. 2 - Napoleon Bonaparte

Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte at 3 feet 9 inches was not very big, but, in the 15th Century, he bestrode Asia like a colossus.

The little guy had a very big hog indeed, and he and his 1,247 men, astride their Harley-Davidsons, terrified villages all over Europe, conquering everywhere, but they didn't like the Russian cold, or swimming across the English Channel.

It is unlikely that Napoleon's head came above wife Joséphine's bosoms - even while standing on a chair. But size didn't matter, for the little Corsican had a rapacious sexual appetite, and was like an eager little ferret once his missus dropped her bloomers, though sometimes he said: "Not tonight, Joséphine."

Had Bones of Rubber

Napoleon was nicknamed Boney by the British, though, ironically, all his bones had been replaced with vulcanized rubber during childhood. When thrown against a wall by childhood bullies, Napoleon rebounded with such force that he knocked all twelve of them out. This made Napoleon realize that he could conquer the world.

You may remember seeing newsreel footage of Waterloo in 1815. After escaping from the island of Elbow, Napoleon and his men had difficulty getting their bikes started in the Australian mud, and, consequently, like the 300 Spartans, the bows and arrows of the British and Prussians cut the poor sods down. Horatio Nelson became a national hero in Britain for Waterloo, but was tragically killed at Trafalgar 10 years earlier.

So, what was to become of Nappy? He was a danger to Europe and himself. One of the first aeroplane flights in history took him to the island of St. Helena, where, with no women to play with, Napoleon Bonaparte began (like many fallen men) a career as a trashy novelist. Though when Amelia Earhart flew in, Napoleon's attention was diverted, and he became an eager little ferret once more...

The Five Truths (we'll ignore the Napoleon was short idea. He was said to be short, but it seems he was a victim of propaganda and he was, in fact, of average height)

1. Napoleon and his troops retreated from Moscow. The French had summer uniforms on - not advisable in a Russian winter. Napoleon wanted to get to Britain, but the formidable British Navy deterred him.
2. Napoleon was born on the island of Corsica.
3. Joséphine was Napoleon's wife.
4. Napoleon was nicknamed Boney by the British.
5. Defeated at Waterloo in 1815, Napoleon was exiled to the island of St. Helena.