Dreadfully Inaccurate Biographies: No. 3 - Cleopatra

Cleopatra was a woman. She died at the hands of a lucky snake. Said to be a beauty of her age, she ruined Egypt for 8 months.

Born in 550 BC, the girl had a lot of lovers, including Genghis Khan, Attila the Hun, Michael Hodge, Julius Caesar, Mark Antony, and the eager little ferret himself, Napoleon. Cleopatra had children by two of these six men.

Shopping and reading celebrity magazines were Cleo's two biggest passions. She always wore pink and had matching pink poodles.

Egypt was interesting. Its pyramids have survived thousands of years, and yet Cleopatra didn't. She died quite young.

As everybody knows, Cleopatra had Greek ancestry. Her first boyfriend was called Zorba the Freak, because he had three nostrils and a 15-inch middle finger on his third hand.

Camel Car

Cleopatra drove around in a three humped camel car, who was called Cedric. The camel car was Cleo's best friend and they would regularly play tennis together on Daytona Beach. Cleo was a superb actress, and played actress Elizabeth Taylor in the 1963 epic, Taylor. Also a famous mud wrestler (thoughts drifting...), Cleopatra built at least two pyramids with her own bare hands. Somewhat surprising as she was a slender creature.

Keen on clothes, Cleopatra set up the world's first ever boutique in London's Carnaby Street in the swinging AD 60s. I recently interviewed former prostitute Generous Gina of the Nile in a back alley, who worked in the boutique for 93 years. She recalled: "We sold everything from mini skirts to hot pants. The Roman soldiers thought they looked good on them."

I'll be quite honest. I quite fancy Cleo. Well not if she was still alive now, as she'd be 2,000 years old, and probably wouldn't be in great shape. But if I had a time machine I'd like to go back and be alone in a pyramid with her. Though, on second thoughts, once inside you never get out...

The Five Truths

1. Cleopatra was killed by a snake, an asp. Though it could have been two asps.
2. Julius Caesar and Mark Antony were two of Cleo's lovers.
3. Cleopatra had children by Julius Caesar and Mark Antony.
4. Cleopatra died young - in her late 30s.
5. It is true that Cleopatra had Greek ancestry.

A Cleo to check out. She's a beauty: Bathing Cleopatra "The queen must be bathed, yet she doth resist...."