Drinking Around the World

The good people over at Forbes magazine have complied a list of the World's 15 Heaviest-Drinking Countries. Who better than a large group of finance/investment Wall Street types to ask about tying one on? Who, you ask? How about the folks over at the Organization for Economic Co-Operation and Development? They are the ones responsible for tracking and compiling the data on per capita alcohol consumption around the world.

Nice gig. I wouldn't mind doing some fieldwork on that assignment. Just imagine, touring the pubs, bar & taverns of the world on someone else expense account for "research"? Where was this choice when I was searching for a college major? I mean I already had acquired many hours in the field at a local TGI Fridays across from campus. Maybe I should have talked to the Dean about an externship.

Ah but why dwell about the past and missed opportunity? That behavior is best savored over a cocktail anyway.

Let's get back to the ranking of the rank. Keep in mind; this is the ranking for the entire WORLD. The survey combines hard liquor, beer and wine together. Remember that each has differing percentages of alcohol content. The list comes from a 2006 survey that measures the amount of pure alcohol consumed per person each year.

Bet you're guessing, like I did, that here is a place where the good old U.S. of A. will surely shine like a blurry beacon on the hill. No such luck my fellow inadequate inebriates. Whose #1? Luxembourg. Well, I bet your population would toss back a few more often than every now and then if they were a country that most Americans would respond to hearing the news that we were beat out by their country in anything with a resounding "Who?"

Surely we must have the Silver Medal in Olympic freestyle drinking. No such luck. (Consume for guessing wrong.) France has that honor. All that wine since birth seems to add up quickly. So where is America? 3rd? 4th? No my fellow drinking buddies, WE DIDN'T EVEN MAKE THE LIST! Here are the remaining 13 international boozehounds:

3 Ireland
4 Hungary
5 Czech Republic
6 Spain
7 Denmark
8 Portugal
9 Switzerland
10 Austria
11 Germany
12 United Kingdom
13 Belgium
14 Netherlands
15 Australia

People, what has happened to this great nation of ours? Where is that can-do attitude that drove this country to become leader of the free world? Apparently, we're only the leader of the sober world. That's not the America I grew up in. That's not the America that I know and love.

My fellow Americans, it is time. Last call, if you will. It is time we shed our prohibitionist past of Carry Nation and together we can carry our nation to the heights of greatness once again. Dry counties - loose up already. Churches - too much inventory of the sacramental wine? Institute a two-drink minimum. Moon shiners - how about a little less NASCAR and a little more of the bootlegging that gave birth to the sport in the first place? Stadiums - enough already with cutting off sales late in the game. Can you think of a better way to improve America's rankings than allowing a couple dozen thousand sports fans drown their sorrows? I say instead of the 7th inning stretch, we all have a shot of tequila, no make that Jack Daniels (just sounds more American), after they finish singing "God Bless America". Your team losing won't matter as much after that and you might even forget that no one sings "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" anymore. (Another discussion for another day).

Wow, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get so emotional about this. I don't normally act like this. Can we just forget about this? Must have been all the booze. I love you, man!

What were we just talking about?