Driver's Education 201

Everyone has peeves, especially when it comes to driving. It was George Carlin that said, "Anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac." So it stands to reason that the golden measure of driving is me, in my car, watching all the crazy things you do just to tick me off. And believe me; you're out there doing plenty of stupid stuff. Some just make me shake my head, but others make me slam on the brakes, gesture creatively, and cast disparaging judgments on your maternal lineage.

1. Learn to merge.
The highway department, in their infinite wisdom, has provided acceleration lanes up to a quarter mile in length. You can get going pretty fast in a quarter mile. Trust me. I've seen it at the race track. What you must keep in mind is that the traffic you are about to enter is going much, much faster than you. It makes absolutely no sense to pull onto a 70-mile-per-hour interstate doing 45. Press that long, thin pedal under your right foot that the car manufacture had the foresight to install, match your speed with the others, and slide into traffic.

There are those of you prowling the highways that are obviously illiterate and can't distinguish between a yield and stop sign. There is absolutely no reason to come to a complete stop when you have that quarter mile in front of you. Remember it is all about getting up to speed and doing that from a complete stop is much harder unless I happen to be behind you. Then the extra boost from the inertial impact of my front bumper should get you off to a good start. Yield means be careful with some attention to the cars behind you that do not expect you to come to a complete stop, waiting for the perfect gap in traffic. That perfect opportunity to match your timid driving skills only comes between 2:37 and 3:06 AM when no one else is on the road. Pack a lunch. You are going to be stuck there awhile.

When that little lane pulls double duty, both an acceleration and deceleration lane, the accelerating car has the right-of-way. Slow down and pull in behind them. Do not swoop and squat like an F-18 catching the third wire on an Aircraft Carrier. This only makes the driver that was accelerating have to hit the brakes and begin again. The same goes for the road-construction merge. Those signs are posted a half-mile out for a reason. When you see "Right Lane Ends 1500 ft," that is your cue to look for a merge opportunity. It is not a challenge for you to race to the barricade and whip over at the last second or worse, come to a full stop at the barrels and try to punch it when you see a two-car-length opening.

2. Turn signals are standard equipment on every car not options.
Use them correctly. Turn signals are meant to indicate your intentions. If you are already halfway over the paint, it is completely useless to flash that little light. It is painfully obvious why you got into the habit of not signaling. You learned long ago that other drivers take that flashing light as a challenge to block your efforts. You stopped giving them the heads-up and decided just to surprise them with your tail lights instead. Use and respect for the turn signal will only lead to one outcome, safer more courteous driving for all.

3. Drive the speed limit.
In good conditions, the speed limit is a grand thing. First of all it's the limit so don't go faster. Second, unless the weather or road conditions are less than perfect, the limit is a safe speed. The authorities go to great lengths to determine the correct, safe limit for a given road. I would explain the process, but there is math involved and you obviously have trouble reading numbers. Now I can deal with two or three miles per hour under, but look in your mirror. If you see more than 6 cars crawling along behind and nothing in front, you are the problem. You are not being safe or cautious. You're being an ass.

Hang up the cell phone and pay attention to the road and speedometer. If you need to consult your map, pull over. Stop reading and driving with your knees. Driving is a community exercise and by everyone going approximately the same speed, we all get where we are going a little more efficiently. Studies have shown that "The probability of a vehicle being involved in a collision increases if it is traveling faster or slower than the average traffic flow," (ctre.iastate.edu). You are actually at greater risk of an accident if you are traveling 10 mph slower than the other cars than if you are going 15 mph faster than everyone else. Just wake up and realize you're not the only one on the road.

4. Don't rubberneck.
Of course you should slow down around an accident, but if the lanes are clear of debris and there are no emergency vehicles arriving or departing the scene, keep you eyes forward. I can't stress this enough. There is nothing you can do to help the victims by slowing to a crawl and staring at their plight. Many secondary accidents are cause because you are looking to the side and so is the person ahead or behind you. Bang! Fender bender, sore neck, more blockage, all because you thought you'd get to see a leg lying in the median. Eyes forward, keep your speed and we'll all get home safely to hear about the wreck on the evening news. I'm sure they have a close up of the body on the news web site. Just download it and walk slowly past your computer monitor to simulate your need to rubberneck.

5. Don't yield or stop just to be polite.
Follow the rules of the road. If you have the right-of-way, take it. You think you are being nice by letting someone out from a side street, but the car behind you expects you to keep moving. I think you see where this leads. It is fine if traffic is backup and already stopped to wave someone through, but stopping out of the blue does nothing to increase your karma. Your efforts have been neutralized by the negative karma that you created behind you. It also produces noise pollution because for some reason the horns behind you start blowing. But then you are oblivious to all of this and think everyone else is a jerk for blowing their horns at your chivalrous deed.

6. If you missed your turn, there's another intersection just a few blocks away.
You have seen this guy. You may be him. He is in the right lane and suddenly realizes that the intersection 30 feet away is where he needs to turn left. He crosses four lanes of traffic, without signaling of course, causing all sorts of mayhem. If you miss your turn, take comfort in the fact that there will be another opportunity in a couple of blocks. The lanes on the other side of the street carry traffic in the opposite direction for a reason.

7. The "Your Speed Is…" sign is not there for you to test your horsepower.
You've seen these devises. The cops put them up around town in areas where they have speeding problems. They consist of a sign indicating the speed limit, the words "your speed is," a digital readout, and a radar detector that captures/displays your speed. These things are not put there for you to calibrate your speedometer. Take your car to a mechanic for that. I had a discussion with a cop friend of mine about the recent deployment of one of these in a 35mph zone near city hall. People regularly do 40 and 50mph disregarding the fact that there are many cars turning into the city hall complex, the shopping center across the street and two blocks of this stretch are a residential zone including a fire station. I asked my friend if the exercise was helping people realize the need to slow down. His response was that the data collected showed, for the most part, people were slowing down, but there were a several readings of over 100mph where some yokel was testing his muscle late at night. I blame video games. This kid obviously plays too much Grand Theft Auto.

8. Pull up.
When approaching stopped cars you should leave enough room that you could pull around in case they stall. Too close and you will be trapped, missing a great opportunity to point and laugh as you pull around. A good rule of thumb is that you can still see their back tires. Leaving a three-car-length gap is not acceptable (see #5 above). If you had pulled up, the car behind you would not be blocking the next intersection. Now they are trapped because they wrongly assumed that you knew how to drive. We all know that you know you are too far back because when the left-turning traffic gets their green light, you start drifting forward to close the gap. I still have not seen the sociological study that explains this drift. Nothing has changed. The light is still red, but everyone starts creeping forward. Hopefully my application for a federal grant will be approved soon and we will have some answers.

That about covers it for now, except to say, seatbelts save lives. I don't have to quote the statistics on this. You know it is true. Everyone in the car wears one or you don't get to drive. Keep an eye out for "Driver's Education 301." There is plenty more to compile and you don't want to be the subject of the next installment. Drive safely, keeping in mind that you are not alone on the road, and one of those watching you is taking notes.