DRIVING 101

Each day as I'm driving to and from work I find myself yelling at the person in the car next to me, "GET IN YOUR OWN LANE! ONE LANE PER CAR!!! ONE LANE PER CAR!!!!"

My pre-Christmas auto accident made me more aware of how I am driving as well as everyone around me. Therefore I have decided to proactively assist the world in recognizing a few things we all do that are dangerous and a few things that spark the flames of road rage. By offering this valuable information I hope to save many lives and keep my blood pressure under the stroke level.

1. GET OFF OF THAT DAMN PHONE!!!

You can barely walk and talk at the same time. What makes you think you're skilled enough to drive, smoke a cigarette, drink coffee, yell at kids and carry on a conversation with this little apparatus clinging to your ear while you put on makeup. Yes ladies, we are the worst.

I have made several 911 calls within the past month because Chatty Cathy was so caught up in a call; she didn't realize she wasn't the only one on the road. One lady didn't realize she was driving (at least) 95 miles an hour, zipping in and out of traffic while cutting off a school bus. Luckily the bus driver was skilled and quick; avoiding Cathy as she slammed on her breaks to apparently check what other call was coming in.

Here's a way to understand why you should let the calls go to voice mail. DEAD PEOPLE DON'T NEED CELL PHONES! Should you be lucky enough to kill only yourself during your chat session then no one will be calling you anyway. Hang up and drive!

2. GET OFF OF MY ASS

In the United States of America the lanes are divided from left to right. People who drive fast are to utilize the far left lane; the middle lane is for those of us who do the limit or just about 5 miles over. The right lane is for people who either are unsure about their destination, if their car is going to hold up, or they are just slow.

Do not get in that far right lane and ride up on that car as if they are to be intimidated by your ignorance of lane etiquette. Do not assume that person is going to freak out and move out of your way. Actually, you should prepare for them to slow down enough to box you in as a middle lane car approaches; just to piss you off.

Of course the lane analogy goes out of the window in major metropolitan cites like New York, Chicago, Los Angeles and San Francisco.

3. STOP FAKING THE FUNK

If you are driving a car that cost over $35,000 and you don't have a hands off system, either that is not your car or your broke ass is trying to convince someone you're more than you really are.

Seriously, you should reference my first point. Then, go to Wal-Mart and spend the $27 on a really good ear plug. Heck, you can get a decent one for under $10. Bottom line: GET ONE!

4. THE TURN SIGNAL IS YOUR FRIEND

I know damn well that the makers of Mercedes, BMV, Lexus and Toyota put an adequate turn signal on all of their vehicles. It's the law to have a car with all operating components. So, with that said, I should not have to deal with cars that inch their way over into my lane as if they do not understand the concept of the turn signal.

Actually, maybe I am being a bit of a know it all. Since I am trying to reach the masses, maybe my high school class (1983) was the last required to take a drivers course before getting a license. I deeply apologize for my assumption. Here are some tips for those of you just entering this country and the rest of you who act like you just got here from a remote village in a small country where paved roads are a mystery.

On every car I have owned and all I have been in, the turn signal is located on the steering wheel column. It is normally on the left hand side.

When you are driving, should you feel a need to get into your left lane, you would move the lever to the left. This will cause a clicking noise to let you know that your turn signal works and that you have alerted everyone around you that you are about to execute this move. You would do the same thing for a right lane change or turn. Do not assume that the people in the cars around you are psychic and will just move because you're so fabulous and require the world to bow to you. Your actions can cost someone their life. What if Chatty Cathy is barreling down the road and does not have her psychic hat on that day. Your ass will be toast!

Oh, and for those of you who are deadly afraid of the turn signal; you feel you'll hurt someone's feelings if you signal to get in their lane. SEEK HELP! It is not okay to keep "ifing" into a lane - - "If I keep pretending I'm going to hit their car they will move." No dumplin'. If you keep pretending you're going to hit their car they will either let you and then sue. Or they will let you in, follow you to your destination and then whip your ass. Be prepared to deal with things you instigate!

5. TRUCK DRIVERS ARE NOT GOD

To all of my "good buddy's" out there who sit on high; steam rolling down the road in you 18 wheeler. Seriously, get a blue tooth. You of all people should not be distracted from the road. I have had one too many 18 wheelers (within the last week) just zip over into my lane. Upon getting next to them I realized several were either making phone calls or were just really engaged in one. I could swear it had to be one of Cathy's cousins.

It is unnerving to have something three times the size of your car move irrationally near you. I will always let trucks into my lane. Why? If you see a trucker speeding that means the cops are busy writing someone else a ticket. Get behind that bad boy and let him (or her) guide you into the next town.

People, respect a truck driver's signal. Many are driving with cargo that can shut a highway down for days if they wreck.

Truck drivers, respect the little people. You know you have the advantage. You don't have to be mean about it.

6. THE LIGHTENING SHOULD BE A HINT TO SLOW DOWN

People, no one should have to tell you to slow down when it's raining, snowing or hailing. It should be a given. You know the roads will be slick.

Also, if you grew up in areas where rain (Seattle), snow (Indiana/Chicago/New York) or fog (San Francisco) are the norm, DO NOT come down South assuming everyone will fall in line with you.

I lived in Indiana for a while and NEVER got use to driving in the snow. It snows maybe once a year in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. Trust me when I say it does not matter if you grew up in the Ukraine. You will want to slow down and take the side streets. Better still; don't leave home for the 19 hours it will take to go from 35 degrees back up to 80 degrees.

7. YOU DON'T OWN THAT HUMMER SO STOP DRIVING IT LIKE YOU'RE GOING OFF TO WAR!

I am a Desert Storm vet. I have driven and ridden in the REAL hum vee's. The one's with no a/c or power steering. The one's that were made to accomplish a serious mission. Not these pretty, painted monstrosities that roll down the street (purely for looks) to the grocery store or the nail shop. They are a nuisance and we know you're leasing it.

It is not okay to zip in and out of lanes in that thing; or any large vehicle for that matter. It is not okay to take up three parking spaces because you know you can't afford a mark on your leased vehicle. It is not okay to drive closely behind someone in one of those things; as if you're flexing your muscles.

Again people, if you play Billy Badass behind the wheel, someone will accept your challenge. Regardless of sex, creed, age or race, you better know how to fight or talk your way out of it.

The bottom line to road etiquette is to realize you are not the only one out there. If you are not okay with someone endangering the life of your child, take into consideration that we are all someone's children, and then proceed with caution.

I hope this was helpful. If you truly want to improve your driving skills or just want to know more about road safety, go to http://www.dot.gov to find out how to be safer on your city roadways.

Lastly, program the classical, jazz and at least one religious station into your car radio. Since you can't control those elements outside of your car you should be at peace inside.

Be Safe!