Driving on the Defense

1. Drivers With Stuffed Animals in the Back Window or SADs (Stuffed Animal Drivers)
These drivers are old and young, all colors and genders, and tend to drive sedans. They are dangerous! They do not see you. They rarely signal. They always drive well below the speed limit. They can often be seen singing, even when you cannot hear the radio playing anything. Avoid these drivers at all costs! Be especially wary of SADs with no unified theme present in the stuffed animal arrangement. A cluttered mind equals a cluttered life, folks.

2. Jetta Drivers
Jetta drivers put the P in pretentious far more often than BMW drivers. Various psychologists and even Jetta drivers themselves have pondered the strange phenomenon which occurs when an otherwise normal, respectful driver embarks on the Jetta journey (1). They speed ferociously, they run red lights, and they cut you off. Jetta drivers tend to exhibit an over inflated sense of self and their importance within any given context.

3. Rental Moving Truck Drivers
Folks who normally drive regular ol' cars hop into the cab of these sometimes very large moving trucks and stomp on the gas pedal like it's a Honda. Only the truck gets scary at high speeds so they compulsively stomp on the brakes. While they're in the carpool lane...which no truck should EVER be in. Their signal steadily blinking, they lurch along down the road. You can't see past them, and you are nervous about going around them, because you aren't sure if the blinker is on for a reason, or was just forgotten.

4. Florida Drivers
Folks in Florida live life on a whole different wavelength (2). When presented with a problem or difficult situation, they don't always respond the way you'd expect. They also have a bit of a response issue at traffic lights. After the light turns green, you can usually make a slow count to 6 or 7 before they begin to drive into the intersection. Just use a little extra caution when driving around these folks.

5. Drivers of Expensive Cars (Over $50,000)
They have lots of money, and if they spent some of it on their car, they want you to notice, and if possible, exhibit a little envy. They will assume that they have right-of-way in all situations, and they will drive just a touch below speed limit to ensure that you have plenty of time to closely examine all of the extra features they had installed. If you're out for a leisurely drive and you have lots of patience, then no problem, but if you have somewhere to go, then these drivers can be a stick in the eye.

6. Drivers of Pickup Trucks with a Ton of Stuff in the Truck Bed
It could be a mountain of pool cleaning equipment, or a haphazard pile of gardening supplies, with three or four lawn mowers piled on top. Either way, it's dangerous, yet somehow, it's always right in front of you. At speeds over 60, it's unlikely that if something fell out of the back that you'd be able to avoid it, so you're forced to give these roaming "offices" a super-wide berth. One can respect hard working folks who have to bring their work tools with them. But your stuff should never be piled higher than the cab of the truck, and for goodness' sake tie the stuff down. SPECIAL CARE should be taken around drivers with large rolls of carpet. These drivers often misjudge how the weight of the carpet will affect their ability to make turns at higher speeds, with disastrous results.

7. Drivers on Cell Phones
Despite the fact that many states now have a ban on using the cell phone while driving, or at least require the use of a hands-free device, some folks still love to flout the law, yakking away on the phone as they swerve and wander from one side of the lane to the other. These folks are especially tough because they know they are breaking the law, but they feel that they are totally justified. Drivers with this kind of sense of entitlement are not looking out for their fellow drivers. They are prima donnas and they are not in your way, YOU are in THEIRS.

8. Drivers with Dogs in Their Laps
It's incredible that this isn't illegal in all 50 states. If you have a dog in your lap, regardless of the size, you might as well have a baby in your lap. It's completely illogical to assert one's relative safety in this situation, no matter how well-behaved the dog. It's a live, furry creature which is diverting your attention away from the road and from other drivers, who are already annoyed at how silly you look with your yapping dog on your lap. Put the dog down in a special doggie seat, or better yet, leave the darn thing at home. These drivers are just as willfully and consciously self-absorbed as Cell Phone Drivers.

9. Me First Drivers
These drivers have to be first in line, but curiously, are not always the fastest. Often it's just a matter of being ahead of folks, and having the luxury of setting the pace. They make sudden moves to get ahead and be first at the light, or they merge so closely in front of you that you have to stomp on the brakes, all in the effort to be first. These are the drivers who most obviously feel the need to prove something due to some deep-seated insecurity. Most dangerous of all, they will sometimes attempt to suck you into a competition. You might see two drivers, the instigator and the driver who couldn't resist, racing down the road, weaving in and out of traffic. Resist the urge! Do not give chase! Go on about your business and ignore these attention-seeking drivers, for your own safety.

10. Law Enforcement
Don't you have enough trouble to deal with? Cops+you=ticket, because chances are, if you aren't one of the drivers on this list, you either have the bad driver gene (3), or some other driving ailment not previously identified.

(1)http://www.cartalk.com/content/features/jettadrivers/letters.html
(2)http://www.fark.com/topic/florida
(3)http://www.today.uci.edu/news/nr_bdnfdriving_091028.php