Driving Miss Conception

While attending a realtor's open house, I overheard a conversation, which often happens when I stand right behind a person, lean back, and listen to what they're saying. And I heard some guy respond to a remark as follows: "I'm not a bachelor; I'm single."

Point taken. As a Career Unmarried Person myself, I savvy. 'Bachelor' and 'Single Guy' are not synonymous.

True, they do share a trait: they're not married. But, apparently, neither was Bill Clinton. Nor are children, some priests, many convicted felons, and most fish. But that doesn't make Bill Clinton a felon. Okay, bad example.

Bachelors and Single Guys lead different lives, have different annoying habits, use different courtroom tactics to avoid becoming a convicted felon. They may both act like animals, but they're not the same animal. They view life through differing filters.

Bachelors own sports jackets; single guys own sweaters. Bachelors buy magazines; single guys buy books. (If a bachelor does own any books, he'll arrange them by color.)

Single guys clean; bachelors clean up. Both may own a bike, but the bachelor has an aerodynamic helmet raked with lightning bolts. Both may own lots of music, but the single guy would never buy a 'greatest hits' album.

The bachelor has a portable digital device with a full keyboard, large screen, memory options, built-in camera and music player, and on-board applications. The single guy has a cellphone. Online, a bachelor will create an alluring avatar, with a tweaked photo and a moniker like 'Thundar.' A single guy settles for a boring name, like, say, his name.

The bachelor has never slept in his own guest room. The single guy has never slept in his own shrubbery.

"Which Are You?" Quiz #1

You're shopping for Mother's Day, assisted by an attractive clerk, and you buy a blouse. What do you say to the clerk?

A: Can I get this gift-wrapped?

B: You remind me of my mother.

C: So what time do you get off?

Bachelors have matching dishes. Single guys have matching deck furniture. Neither have matching bath towels.

The bachelor has a dog, for protection. The single guy has a cat, for company. The dog is kept indoors, to protect the bachelor. The cat is kept indoors, to protect the cat.

A single guy has a backup roll of paper towels; a bachelor has a backup bottle of Scotch. A bachelor knows a joke when he hears one; a single guy, when he sees one. Single guys have gay friends; bachelors know two gay guys. Neither has a callow clue about women, but the single guy knows it.

Bachelors never have pictures of more than one woman on the fridge. Single guys never have more than one suit in the closet.

"Which Are You?" Quiz #2

You witness a violent crime and can identify the attractive shooter. What do you say to the police?

A: Officer, I saw the whole thing.

B: I can't say for sure.

C: She's with me.

Both throw a great party, but the single guy remembers it the next day. Single guys host; bachelors star. Bachelors are the life of the party; single guys are in the pro-life party. A single guy believes in God and America; a bachelor believes he'll have another Scotch.

A bachelor can't understand why women don't appreciate him; a single guy can't understand why women would even bother. Bachelors distrust women after meeting them; single guys distrust women until meeting them.

Summing up: the bachelor tries to be what he thinks others want him to be. The single guy tries to be what he thinks he ought to be. Neither are very good at it. And neither was Bill Clinton.

And neither am I.