Duck Tape

Little quackers, bobbing. How could this be an hour's entertainment? Between her snoring, Ruth's interrupted by the flap of wings in the water as the video moves onto the next known species of duck. Ducks give limited appeal, she thinks, but is not sorry that her lips are moving. They irritate me at night by having little parties on the pond. They make you 'ah' when you see the little un's all fluffy an' new. They're good for children's characters in books and that, but not suffing you need to know all about. They don't have the symbolism of eagles or the wisdom, like an oowel. Wass this - a speculum? Ruth thinks that's an implement that gynaes use, not the part of wings on the ducks.

Her husband is almost transfixed.

"Even you mus' find this a bit dull," she says. She hopes she snored loud enough that Ron would give up and do one of the jobs she has in store for him. She may reward him with cake, or other. Duck tape will not reap any such thing.

The monotone on the video is continuing.

"Why do we always watch what you like?" she says.

"Thought you were asleep. You snored so loud I couldn't hear the commentary," her husband gripes. He has been banned from other delights, such as the 10 part series on tanks he wanted to see and instead Ruth put him through Mills and Boon adaptations and a gardening show. The show of course was a little training course for Ron so that he might tidy up the mess outside known as Lawn. The books were to remind Ron that he had competition for Ruth's affections - if only fictional; and what kind of man he ought to be.

"Look at the dozzy grut beak on that!" exclaims Ron as at last a new bird flapped onto the screen. How he wishes his wife would try to share what he considered a very legitimate interest of his. Don't bird books sell in their thousands? He also wishes that rather than try to sabotage his moment that Ruth would leave the room, if she isn't going to try to listen. The snores are exaggerated, he knows. He knows too that she had plans for him other than allowing him this little birdie pleasure.

"Haven't you got a bed to warm?" Ruth says testily, eyes closed so as not to learn about the birds. If she let on how much she had in fact taken in there would be conversations about the contents of the video for years to come. He'd draw up the covers round her later and say, "Did you notice the bill on the mallard?"

Ron knew he was now expected to go up with a hottie before Ruth, to give her her wimmen's pottering time downstairs. Meanwhile, he made her side of the cold bed more palatable and then he was expected to shift over when she came up and start again on his own side. Talk of lying on the .... Well cold patch this time.

Ron doesn't mind a little sacrifice for his wife but he does want her to acknowledge what a good man he is to her. He wants her to give up a little suffin for him for once, not crush her eyes tight shut and make him pause his precious present to answer the phone which will be for her anyway and he knows that's she's glad to leave the room and talk about him to her friends - how there's more swans on the tape than in the Yates poem she'll say trying to sound clever. The birds have been on for 70 minutes but she'll multiply that and impersonate the commentator.

Like she's now doing. And Ron's not as surprised as Ruth thinks he is when she quotes back to whoever's on the phone:

"The juvenile bald eagle has a six foot wing span and three inch talons".

Ron knew she likes to listen really. Perhaps the bed won't be as cold tonight.