Dumb Songs: The Teen Tragedy Era

If '60s rock-and-roll music is any indication, that decade represented dangerous times for teenagers--especially teenagers in love. Some of the most popular songs of that era involved teens splattered across America's highways. In fact, songwriters like Jeff Barry and Ellie Greenwich were responsible for nearly as many dead teens as Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers combined.

Why were '60s tunesmiths so obsessed with teen tragedy? Psychologists suggest that it is because most teenagers are major pains in the ass deserving of violent deaths, and knocking off a few of the bastards to a nice little melody can be rather therapeutic. Whatever the reason, this obsession has blessed us with some of the dumbest songs ever written. Here are just a few...

Tell Laura I Love Her
Written by Jeff Barry and Ben Raleigh
Recorded by Ray Peterson

In this top ten hit, we meet two crazy teens who are lovers involved in what is quickly becoming a serious relationship. Tommy wants to give Laura "everything--flowers, presents and most of all a wedding ring." Unfortunately, our hero doesn't have the necessary funds to purchase a ring--probably because he is a typical lazy-ass teen without a job who sleeps till noon, smokes pot, eats Doritos and plays video games all goddamn day. Anyway, he sees "a sign for a stockcar race" with a thousand dollar prize. To make a long story short, Tommy crashes his car and bites the big one. As they yank him out of the "twisted wreck," his dying words are, "Tell Laura I love her." Later, Laura is in the chapel, all alone praying for her dead boyfriend, when she hears his voice cry out...

Tell Laura I love her
Tell Laura I need her
Tell Laura not to cry
My love for her will never die

No, but you did, you dumbass.

Leader of the Pack
Written by Jeff Barry and Ellie Greenwich
Recorded by The Shangri-Las

The Shangri-Las were the queens of "splatter platters" and their hit Leader of the Pack is a teen tragedy classic. This heartbreaker tells the story of a rebellious young lady named Betty and her burning love for Jimmy, a biker who her folks are always putting down (down, down) because he comes from the wrong side of town. In other words, her parents are Republicans. Dad tells Betty to dump Jimmy and "find someone new." This is likely due to the fact that Jimmy has a tattoo on his arm that says "Born to have unprotected sex with your hot daughter." So Betty tells Jimmy that they are through. Jimmy asks why, but she can't tell him because all she "can do is cry." Jimmy kisses her goodbye and takes off on his bike like a bat out of hell. Betty then remembers...

As he drove away on that rainy night
I begged him to go slow
But whether he heard, I'll never know

Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out!

Apparently, Jimmy doesn't look out, look out, look out, because he ends up being little more than road kill, and poor Betty is left to lament that she will "never forget him--the leader of the pack."

Little does Betty realize that had they stayed together, Jimmy would have knocked her up, joined Hells Angels, developed a heroin addiction, and done time for murdering a cop. And she would have lived her life as a single parent on welfare. So as it turns out, this is actually a happy song.

Give Us Your Blessings
Written by Jeff Barry and Ellie Greenwich
Recorded by The Shangri-Las

Not nearly as successful as Leader of the Pack, this lesser-known Shangri-Las pile of crap is nonetheless every bit as heartbreaking. Mary and Jimmy (this was a bad era to be named Jimmy) are young and in love. The two youngsters want to wed and ask for their parents' blessings, but the four old farts just laugh at them. So Mary and Jimmy run away from home and...

The next day they found them
Mary and Jimmy were dead
And as their folks
Knelt beside them in the rain
They couldn't help but hear
The last words that Mary and Jimmy had said

Give us your blessings
Please don't make us Run away
Give us your blessings
Say you'll be there on our wedding day

To which Mary's father replies, "How about we just show up at your funeral instead?"

Teen Angel
Written by Jean and Red Surrey
Recorded by Mark Dinning

This song doesn't give us any names, but the male half of this teen couple recalls "that fateful night the car was stalled upon the railroad track." He pulls his girl from the car, but the dumb broad goes running back! Of course, nothing good comes of that and she is splattered by the train. Our poor boy is left asking...

Teen angel, can you hear me?
Teen angel, can you see me?
Are you somewhere up above?
And am I still your own true love?

Many years after this song was recorded, things still didn't add up to members of the girl's family. They were suspicious of the boy's flimsy story and they had some questions. Why exactly did she run back to the car? What was in it that was so goddamn important? After an intense six-year investigation, the boy was finally convicted of murder and is serving a life sentence at San Quentin.

Last Kiss
Written by Wayne Cochran
Recorded by J. Frank Wilson

Another example of why teenagers should not be allowed to drive, Last Kiss tells the story from the viewpoint of the boyfriend. He and his baby are out on a date when they come upon a stalled car. Instead of braking, the dimwit swerves to miss the vehicle and, of course, bad things happen. He awakens to the sight of his girlfriend taking her last breath as she whispers, "Hold me darling for a little while." He then kisses her their last kiss and she dies in his arms. Later he asks...

Oh where oh where can my baby be?
The Lord took her away from me
She's gone to heaven so I've got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world

That's right, blame the Lord for taking her away. The fact that you were drinking Jager-bombs, smoking crack and feeling her up while driving had nothing to do with it.