Dynamics of Abuse

First off, understand that these women don't understand that there is a way out. They honestly think that the abuse is their fault. If they hadn't said whatever it was that they had said, if they hadn't spoken to so and so, if they hadn't behaved in that way, then they wouldn't have been beaten. That is the mind set.

The abuser controls everything. From the money you have, to who you can see and speak to. He will cut you off from family and friends, from anyone who may help you. He will become your sole focus. Your only job is to please him, an impossible task, because no matter what you do, it's wrong.

If you manage to leave the house without him, he will time you. He will know exactly how long it takes you to get to the grocery store, how long you should be there and how long it takes you to get home. One minute longer than that, results in a beating.

If you have a job, he will call several times a day, to make sure that you are at work, and not "sleeping around".

And yes, even if he is arrested for domestic violence, something inside you is so broken, that you don't press charges, and you "forgive" him and take him back. And then there is a honeymoon period, and everything is wonderful and you think that it will never happen again, and something happens that he doesn't like and he beats you even worse than the last time.

You feel that you can't leave because he has control over all the money. You are always broke. You have no contact with your family that he doesn't control. The only friends that you have are the ones that he approves of.

I watched my mother live like this, I lived like this.

My birth father was mentally abusive. He cheated on my mother and brought home some interesting diseases. He was an alcoholic and played all the fun head games that alcoholics play. By the time my mother finally left him, pregnant with my sister, she was so broken, mentally that not long after my sister was born, and Mom attempted suicide and ended up spending 6 months in a pyschiactric ward.

She thought my step father was so much better until the beatings started. I truly believe that if she hadn't left him, he would have killed her. It took her years to recover, mentally. I think that my mother was one of the strongest women I know.

As for me... my first husband cut me off from my family and friends. Repeatedly verbally beat me into "submission", held a knife on me when he was drunk, and couldn't understand for the life of him why I left, running, literally for my life, thinking that my family didn't care. (My parents thought that he had killed me and my son). I went from the frying pan into the fire... not once, but twice.

But the statistics speak loudly...

Quote:

On average, more than three women and one man are murdered by their intimate partners in this country every day. In 2000, 1,247 women were killed by an intimate partner. The same year, 440 men were killed by an intimate partner. Intimate partner homicides accounted for 30% of the murders of women and 5% percent of the murders of men.
(Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2003. Bureau of Justice Statistics, Intimate Partner Violence in the U.S. 1993-2004, 2006.)

Most intimate partner homicides occur between spouses, though boyfriends/girlfriends have committed about the same number of homicides in recent years.
(Bureau of Justice Statistics, Intimate Partner Violence in the U.S. 1993-2004, 2006.)

Are you scared yet? It has taken me a very long time to get where I am, now. And I'm still not completely healed. I don't know if I ever really will be. I know that if someone starts yelling, I retreat. I know that my internal critic may be the death of me yet, because that's where my abusers still live.

To blame a young woman for going with her abuser... stop and think of the dynamic. Stop and think... remember that she really thinks, she really believes that she deserves this. Understand, that she will take him back, again and again, because she will believe him when he tells her that it won't happen again.... until the next time. Until one day... he will either kill her, or she will figure out how to escape.

The abuser is easier to understand... it's about power. It's about control. It's about domination.

Oh... there are sweet words in the beginning. And many time a whirlwind courtship. As was the case in my first marriage, and I think in the case of my mother's marriages. (And statistically, this is a warning sign... NOW they tell me?) The abuse may start in little ways. A cruel word, here, and inappropriate remark there, a slap... and quickly escalates.

Then... the honeymoon period... again... all sweet words, flowers, gifts. You get sucked in all over again.

It's all part of the game... kind of like fishing...

I think that the part that pisses me off the worst is that I walked into yet ANOTHER abusive relationship right out of the Army... and then there was my second marriage... while not perfect, was not near as abusive as the rest of my relationships.

Picture the abused man... who's going to believe him? I mean... he's a guy, right? He's got "all the power" right? As an EMT... I've seen what some "little girl" can do to a guy.

We say that we should talk about it more. My point in even talking about it was to let you all know that these women are terrified to the point of standstill. They are paralyzed. If they run, there is no grauntee that they will not be found. And trust me, there have been incidences where these women have been hunted down like dogs and killed and the police did nothing. And then there have been times when these women have taken matters into their own hands and are now serving life sentences for murder, because there wasn't "enough proof" that they were being abused. Makes you wonder what kind of society we live in, doesn't it?

Do you know where the concept of the "rule of thumb" came from? A man couldn't beat his wife with a rod, any larger around than his thumb.

In 1981, my mother took the first swing, (it was the only hit she got in) my sister called the cops, (it was the first time ever, that they had been called), Mom was lying on the floor, with a black eye, and bruises around her throat. My stepfather told the cops that Mom had bit him (it was the new puppy that bit him, there was no way mom could have gotten to his calf the way that he choking her) and the cop's response was "We can arrest women too." My sister went to Gram's and refused to come home for 3 days. I stayed in the house with some friends (to make sure that I didn't kill the SOB and to protect the dog). Mom went to work that night...

You can try and teach it... but unless and until people hear the message, and it connects with something visceral... it won't be heard.