Earnestly Seeking Rawtiety

Ugh, bleccch. How I feel about how I've behaved the past two months. Life has been a maelstrom, and whatever weight I lost the first few weeks of July has certainly returned with reinforcements by now.

But I had a dream. It was two nights ago now. I was in a hospital and someone was telling me "You have to get up, get up and go find help!" and in the dream I ran out into the hall, which was littered with different colored plastic tubelines all running along a grey carpet, and the hallways were all crooked, and I ran down to the bottom and saw a nurse tending to a man on a cart in the hallway, but he was covered as if he had passed away. Suddenly little orange and white lights in round, aluminum exploded partway open into star-shaped balls emitting bright light, like Christmas balls, all over his body, and I awoke and my heart was pounding hard AND racing as I was laying asleep...

I'd had a particularly stressful day, and overate and overdrank before going to sleep--- it was my body calling out to me to go get help. I roused my husband in the next room (I snore too loudly for anyone to sleep next to) and he got me onto the couch, directly under a fan, elevated my feet, and gave me aspirin. My heartrate was double what it should have been. It took nearly half an hour to slow back down. It wasn't a heart attack, but it was SOMETHING. A wake-up call, let's call it.

So I contacted this woman, this warrior of a woman, whose website I've been visiting over a year now. I've toyed, I've played with the vegan/rawfoodan route to regain my health. I've studied it a lot, even attempted it a couple times. This time's for real. I told her my dream, and she said "Dreams can be very telling." In reading her journal, I see she dreams vividly too.

I still have a very strong dream, of being very strong and lean and regaining the healthy, athletic body with which I had been gifted, and cleansing out my temple. It occurred to me the other day, no matter how one believes, no matter what religion or philosophy, whether in spirit, soul, or Spirit/soul... all our bodies are temples in which that highest part of us is housed. Do I really want my soul to live in this rundown ramshackle building? No, and I want to remodel as quickly and efficiently as possible. She told me to start moving towards raw by cutting processed foods and overt fats like fried foods and cheese. "Eat lean to live long." I haven't eaten fried in a long time, but I can find ways to cut out my over-usage of good fats. And change the times I am eating, the latenight grazing, which has become my particular drug of choice.

I'm told I must be willing to ask family and friends for their support during the stages of this new program. This support is crucial. Hiding the diet from others because I don't want to defend it or explain how I am trying, yet again, "one... more... diet" does not work. It will hurt me in the end, so this is for the world to see, whatever portion of it ever does. At least I'm still putting it out there. Hope it's not just a confession complex. Here I go again on my own.