EARNING MORE THAN HIM

The wage gap between men and women is increasingly getting smaller and in many developed societies such as Singapore, a growing number of women are actually outpacing the men, specifically their partners.

With soaring standards of living, most people should be happy with the extra income. Ideally, having a wife who earns more money will help reduce some of the financial stress the man's facing, and even allow him to take on jobs that are more meaningful and fulfilling rather than one that pays well.

But the fact remains that when a woman brings home more bacon than her husband and displaces him as the main breadwinner of the family, it can be pretty discomforting not only for the man, but for the woman as well. The larger the differential in their take home pay, the more sensitive this issue becomes.

For the man, it can be a great blow to the ego and heighten his sense of insecurity, especially more so if the disparity in income is significant. When men find themselves outearned by their wives, it is inevitable that they would also feel outshined, threatened and inadequate, as societal norms and cultural expectations have dictated for centuries that men are supposedly, the family's main breadwinner.

If you are currently struggling with this issue, here are some suggestions on how you can manage it better so that it does not become a strain on the relationship

1. Understand His Fears

It is always easier to dismiss a man's erratic behaviour on such issues as having an inferiority complex, or being insecure. However, the real reason is usually fear more than anything else. It can be a fear from realising that the person with more money has inevitably more control and power; fearing that his wife will despise him or be frustrated with his incapability of bringing home more income; fearing that he would never be able to match up or provide for her like he rightfully should. Understanding that his fears are real and acknowledging that he has every right to feel this way is critical for the relationship, as it can heighten your awareness of his feelings and improve the way you communicate with him.

2. Exercise Sensitivity and Tact

Sometimes women may subconsciously undermine a man's provider instincts by saying things such as "I'll buy it with my own money" or "I can afford it".

Even if your intentions are good, be sensitive about how your words and actions could impact him or make him feel uncomfortable. Men derive their sense of identity and self esteem from their source of income. The knowledge that you are doing so much better than he is would already have made him feel really small, even without those constant 'reminders'.

However, do not overcompensate by trying to avoid talking about your work or income altogether. If you have to talk about it, always adopt a positive, encouraging and supportive attitude, and understand he needs time for adjustment.

3. Manage Your Expectations

A woman could be so financially comfortable and accustomed to a certain level of lifestyle that she may totally overlook the fact that her husband/boyfriend might not be able to keep up with her.

It is great that you can afford to dine at expensive restaurants. You would probably enjoy going for holidays at exotic locations and expect a Prada luggage to complete the look. If your man is used to paying for meals and holidays, your escalating expectations would undoubtedly place undue pressure and stress on the guy.

It does not help that you do not go to him any more to buy the things you want, so avoid treading on whatever's left of his identity by expecting him to adopt the kind of lifestyle you desire. Understand that his pockets may not be as deep as yours and try to settle for something more manageable where his finances are concerned.

4. Work It Out

When the balance in earning power is tipped towards the woman, the issue of income inequality could sow bitter seeds of contention, instead of unity and stability. However, money only becomes a bone of contention when it is valued and spent differently by the couple.

Work it out together with your man by setting shared goals and values that transcends income. For example, encourage and support him in pursuing a higher education (which may significantly increase his earning power); spend time on a common hobby or interest; have your own personal spending and savings budgets; identify key expense areas where you can contribute; define responsibilities around the house; plan investments together for the future and always seek each other's opinions on major issues and decisions.

Adopt the mindset that it could be more fun to have more money as it could mean having a better lifestyle, more savings, less debts - and even allows the man to pursue a higher paying but riskier job track because of the additional money coming into the household. Values such as trust, teamwork, family achievement and personal growth will help the couple in building deep mutual respect for each other, despite the income disparity.

- END -