Earth Day: What is it and Where Did it Come From?
"That's a good question, Bob!" I tell him, "People have long been confused as to exactly when they can start wearing light colors. Is Easter the cutoff time? The first day of spring? How about Earth Day?"
"Earth Day? What the hell is Earth Day?" he asks.
And then I go through my usual 30-minute spiel detailing the entire history of my favorite April holiday. Invariably, Bob walks away with a confused look on his face, shaking his head, and muttering something like, "Screw it! I'll just wear 'em tonight."
To avoid having this same conversation again this year, I have compiled some the most often asked questions about Earth Day with answers that will clear up any misunderstandings you may have about the only holiday devoted to the sphere upon which we reside. This may not answer your question on when to wear those white pumps, but you'll be armed with enough knowledge about the environment to piss off your friends who will begin referring to you as "that goddamn, tree-hugging pain-in-the-ass."
What is Earth Day?
It is the one day each year that we are supposed to pretend we care about the environment. Know-it-all science people will ramble on-and-on about crap like "going green" and "global warming" and "the greenhouse effect" and they will warn that bad things are ahead if we don't change our ways. They will have tons of data and years of study to back up their claims. You will come to hate these people and possibly go so far as to say things like "environmental scientists are making this shit up." Then you'll sit back in your recliner, turn on FOX News Channel, and dumb yourself down a little bit more.
What is meant by "going green"?
In the environmental world, it means being environmentally conscious. In the real world, it means you've lost your job and are facing eviction due to our horseshit economy so you go on a drinking binge, consuming gallons of whiskey and getting so wasted that your face literally turns green and your friends find you on the floor several days later completely unconscious.
What day is Earth Day?
Most people celebrate Earth Day on April 22, although some insist the March Equinox is the most appropriate time for Earth Day. Whichever day you choose to celebrate this great holiday, let me warn you that some of these environmentalists like to party big-time. Take it from me, if a guy named Al Gore comes up to you and asks if you'd like to go to his place and learn a little about global warming, don't go with him! I made that mistake last year and he ended up taking me to his house and showing me this film called An Inconvenient Truth. Then he popped in a porno flick and we sat back, drank a couple bottles of Jack and smoked a few joints. Next thing I knew, I woke up in bed with some chick name Tipper. It took me a week to stop puking.
The March Equinox? What's that?
March is the third month of the calendar and Equinox is a Latin word meaning "equal night." So March Equinox literally means "third month of the calendar equal night." And what the hell does that mean? I haven't a goddamn clue. That's why I always celebrate Earth Day on April 22. I know what freakin' day that is!
Is there a day devoted to any of the other planets?
As a matter of fact there is. Uranus Day marks the beginning of the annual International Proctologist Convention which is held down under in Sydney, Australia. I actually attended last year's convention which is pretty much a week of non-stop drinking parties. Bottoms up! Boy was I pooped.
My girlfriend is one of those environmentalist freaks who never stops nagging me about my carbon footprint, and recycling, and all that other Earth Day crap. She is a smkoin' hot, bi-sexual, nymphomaniac who is wild in the sack, so I put up with it, but I think I've had enough of her "save the environment" BS. What should I do?
Tell you what. Give me her address and I'll go have a long chat with her.
Published by Frank Mucci
A Pulitzer Prize-winning author and People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive for 2010, Frank likes to make up crap about himself. He will be honored later this year with the Nobel Prize for Literature. View profile
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10 Comments
Post a CommentTipper? That was NOT a chick.
Never mind the pagan Mother Nature worshippers sitting around chanting mantras - I wanna see Bob in his white pumps and pastel yellow miniskirt.
Jennifer, I'd love to throw a bi-sexual nympho into the mix, but my wife won't let me.
I love this! :)
LOL! I can always count on you to make me laugh, Frank. How the hell you took "Earth Day" and it made it funny, is still beyond me. AND you managed to throw a bi-sexual nympho into the mix! PURE GENIUS!
Allene, I look for any excuse to drink. Celebrating Earth Day works as well as any.
You're evil, Mr. Mucci. And a lot of fun! My second son was born April 22, 1968, and soon Earth Day was celebrated on his birthday every year. David's always liked to claim it's all in his honor. We didn't really discourage it, if it kept him from tossing trash out the car windows on trips! BTW, when you state that Earth Day is when "you go on a drinking binge, consuming gallons of whiskey & getting so wasted that your face literally turns green & your friends find you on the floor several days later completely unconscious", I think you're mixing up your spring holidays. Dude, that's called St. Patrick's Day...coming next week! Enjoy... ; )
Man, I want to go to Earth Day celebrations with you! The ones I've been to in the past are really dull.
That's what I'm here for, Maria.
Thank you so much, Frank. I knew Earth Day was special, but this really enlightened me.