Eating Disorder: I Have Bulimia

My name is ******* and I am bulimic. Everyday, I suffer. This is my story.

I was always "cute" and small in high school. A healthy size 10. I never worried about what I ate because I was never really hungry. I was busy with school, band, and track practice. I never worried about my body image. My friends use to pick on me because I did eat so little and was skinny. I was the usual skinny blond haired girl who never had a problem getting a date. That changed one day. Unfortunately I read somewhere that in order to be pretty you had to be skinny. So, I became picky about what I ate after that. If I had so much as a piece of pie or a bag of chips I would immediately throw them up. I wanted to stay thin. I read about bulimia and learned that most people did it as a means of staying in control of themselves and how they looked. Being a very impressionable 16 year old at the time, I believed it and did not read the entire story. I talked to my best friend at the time about it. She in return betrayed my trust and spoke to my academic counselor about it. He in return called my parents. Bad idea! My parents were not understanding at all. Their idea of "helping" me was to threaten to send me away and ground me. A lot of good that did. I rebelled because I was angry and very anxious. I threw up more at school and when my parents weren't home. I hated the way I was being approached about something new and kind of scary to me. I mean, changes were starting to take place in my body and my mind since I had started throwing up. It was a cycle for me. I would be okay for a while when I felt more in control of my life. But when I starting to feel that teen angst and rebellion, I started binging and purging again. It was my way of gaining control over a somewhat tumultuous life. You see, though I loved my parents I always felt they were wrong. I felt them to be to strict, not trusting enough. I was given a lot of leeway but I always wanted more. My parents kind of lacked in the emotional department. I never felt secure because I was always walking on eggshells around my nervous mother. So, the vomiting was my way of keeping some kind of control for myself.

Fast forward a couple of years. I married young. I had my first child with my ex-husband. From the time I got pregnant until the time we split up, he always told me if I became fat, he would leave me. I was so insecure at the time and I did not want him to leave. I started my cycle of binging and purging again. Fear and anxiety held me prisoner to this horrible eating disorder. I was never comfortable eating what I really wanted to because I feared rejection. When I confided in my now ex-husband he threatened to tell my parents and leave with my child. He said I was an unfit mother. Major hurt for me. I was even more insecure and would binge and purge when he was not home.

Going ahead a few more years. I have one more child with my ex and we divorced. Presently, I am remarried with another child. Understandably three kids has taken it's toll on my almost 30 yr old body. I am not skinny anymore. I am not morbidly obese either. But my body image is poor. I perceive my body as something so ugly and hideous. Even when I get hit on or am told by people that I am pretty, I think they must be blind or crazy. My binging and purging is at an all time high right now. I am stressed a lot with work, a new marriage, and a new baby. I was in high school when I met my husband. I was "cute *****" he use to say. Though he accepts me for who I am now I think sometimes he wishes I was still "cute ****". My eating disorder is bad now. I throw up practically everything I eat. I fear being fat so bad. My throat hurts, I have heartburn a Lot, and the enamel on my teeth is worn down. I am tired all the time and my periods are irregular. My anxiety is bad (I suffer from OCD as well). When I have an anxiety attack I do what I have always done. I throw up to stay in control. But because of my OCD it makes things much worse and often I may eat a half a jar of peanut butter because I feel out of control and once I again I throw it back up to stay in control. For me it is all about control. I am 5'3 and weigh 195 lbs. I am miserable with this eating disorder. I have an appointment to see my doctor soon. I plan on discussing this problem with him. I can't live with it anymore. I use to think that I had bulimia but now I know that bulimia has me.