Editorial: Why We Men Shouldn't Use Condoms'"A Thesis Borne from My Insipidness And, of Course, My Hatred of Children

A condom is my friend. That's what I was taught to believe by my parents, my teachers, and sometimes even my pastor. But I think they were full of shit, just like when they told me eating glue would make me dumb. I'm 29, I have a degree, and other than sometimes getting words . . . stuck in my mouth, I turned out pretty well.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the only lie they told me. As I grew older and eventually passed that mark of manhood-the one lying between having a fully developed dick and having fully developed pubes-they fed me yet another lie: children are also our friends. Supposedly, the end goal of it all is to have my own set of children and then raise them to be as big a loser as I am. Charming.

But they were all lies, man. Glue didn't make me dumb and children aren't my friends. And they aren't yours either; they're our enemies! Children are vapid little twits who leave puddles of drool big enough to spark a mass looting if only a couple New Orleaners were around; nibble on our spouses' teats without having ever even taken them out to eat; and, worst of all, look to us to provide them with some sort of guidance. What are we . . . guidance counselors?

As far as I can tell, the real goal ought to be to reduce the number of children in this world-to drive them to extinction. Unfortunately, this goal will never be achieved so long as republicans have their way. You see, conservatives are so fond of children- "He's so cute!" "He just said his first word!" "He just peed in my face!"-that they'll do anything to promote their existence, including fight for a woman's right to shut up and just give birth already.

And so I support abortion. It's not that I believe a woman should have a choice whether or not to give birth, let alone a choice in anything else (don't get me started on the remote control), but it's more so because I hate children. However, neither my hatred for children nor the rising pro-choice movement will ever spur the gentle, child-loving hearts of scumbag republicans. So we have only one other choice-to make them hate children as much as we hate them.

To that end, we must throw aside our rubber condoms and start procreating nonstop, starting with now. Pull off your clothes, quickly locate a member of the opposite sex-even if it's a relative (incest is tolerable in times of war)-and get to the task at hand: the viral reproduction of these undesirable entities we know as children. We must flood our country with millions of these greasy, tiny tater tots of flesh. It's our duty, men.

Via our loins, let us fill every grocery store with the loud, high-pitched squeals of belligerent children; saturate every pair of Walmart diapers with the squalid 'poo poo platter' that is a child's excrement, and furnish every adoption center and orphanage with what will one day be America's next great generation of burglars, rapists, murderers, and grave robbers.

In time, even the most tenderhearted republican will break. It's inevitable. In frustration and utter madness, not to mention baldness from having ripped out their hairs, they'll finally give up their battle against abortion. And then, and only then, we will have won our battle against our enemy.

So, in summary, a condom isn't our friend and, more importantly, children are our enemy. And the only way to rid the world of our enemy is to keep producing them until our other enemy, republicans, grow to hate them as much as we do.

Remember folks, to hate humans is human . . . but to hate children is divine!

Moral of the story #1: Maybe the only way to stop republicans from regulating vaginas is to fill the world up with so many annoying kids that even they can't stand it anymore?

Moral of the story #2: Why would someone who's against abortion vote to defund an organization that promotes contraceptives!?

Moral of the story #3: I'm an insensitive idiot, lol.