Edward Jacoberg: a Horror Story

Anna stood up and stretched, and waited for the final chapter of her novel to start printing. She'd been typing and congratulating herself on her own cleverness for four hours straight. Now, finally, she would be famous. After her novel was published and all the teenage girls in the nation fell in love with Edward Jacoberg, the shy, brilliant, sexy, nonviolent vampire who sometimes turned into a tame, piano-playing werewolf, Anna would have enough money to move to Greece with Ben. Smart, sensitive, sweet, adorable Ben. He wasn't a vampire or werewolf, or both, like the hero of her book, but she didn't hold that against him.

The printer spat out the first page. Anna eagerly started reading. "What the hell?" she said, frowning at the unfamiliar words.

I miss you so much, baby.

I'm here.

Oh my God, you scared the crap outta me.

I did this for you.

You dressed up in a hideous Halloween costume for me? Gee, thanks.

Anna sighed and rubbed her stiff neck. Where was Edward Jacoberg's marriage proposal to Isa-the engagement ring hidden in a chalice of blood? That was so romantic!

Anna sat down at her computer and scrolled through the text of her Word document. Everything looked fine on the screen, just the way she'd written it. I must've printed something off the Internet by mistake, she thought, closing her Web browser.

Another page dropped into the printer's tray-the font was bigger than before.

There's always been something missing. You were too nice to say anything, but I sensed it. You shut me out and created your Mr. Right and pretended I was just like him.

No.

Now I'm perfect for you. In every way.

Don't. Don't!

Anna clicked all over her screen, trying to figure out how to cancel the print job. Thank God Ben wasn't here to witness her ineptitude. Do you know how much those ink cartridges cost? she heard him complaining.

"Stop!" she cried, jabbing all the buttons on top of the printer.

Another page, splattered with dark ink blotches, glided out, and a new page started printing. Exasperated, Anna reached behind the printer and unplugged it. It stopped immediately.

"Ha! Anna, one; Demonic Printer, zero." Her smile faded when she read the words on the new page.

Shh. Hush, my darling.

I love you, Anna. I love you so much. Will you marry me?

"Ben?" she said. It was crazy to say it out loud, because Ben was saving his father's floundering business in Thessaloniki, Greece, and she was saving nothing in a tiny bedroom in Greenwood, Missouri. And crazy that her voice was shaking with fear, because she'd wanted to marry Ben since the day she met him.

Get a grip, she told herself. It was just an old screenplay or something that she'd accidentally opened up when she was online-probably another virus. Or the printer was simply (possessed) broken. It had nothing to do with her. I should call Ben, she thought. Tell him I finished my book. He'll be so proud of me...Shit, I hope the virus doesn't delete my manuscript.

Anna emailed the last chapter of her novel to her friend, Kelly, just to be safe. (Kelly would totally love the engagement-ring-in-the-chalice-of-blood part.) Anna had a hard copy of the rest of her novel, plus an online backup service that Ben had helped her set up two months ago, the last time she'd seen him. But Ben would be pissed that she'd managed to infect her computer (his computer) with another virus. If you stopped looking at porn online, this wouldn't keep happening, she imagined him saying, with that little smirk of his that made her want to kiss him.

"I miss you so much, baby," she said, hugging Ben's pillow tightly, inhaling the faint smell of his shampoo and aftershave.

"I'm here."

Anna jerked her head toward the voice-Ben's voice-and nearly fell out of her chair. Ben was home. Standing in their bedroom, panting. His skin was pale, greenish, sweaty-worse than the time he'd been poisoned by a bacon-double-cheeseburger. Why were his hands so hairy?

"Oh my God," Anna breathed, clutching her chest, "you scared the crap outta me." Normally she would run to hug him, but, without even realizing it at first, she'd already begun planning her escape.

Ben tried to smile. His new teeth-dog's teeth-made smiling difficult. Anna inched closer to the window.

"I did this for you," he said.

"You dressed up in a hideous Halloween costume for me? Gee, thanks."

The Ben she knew would have removed the false teeth at this point, torn the fake patches of hair off his hands, tossed the ketchup-stained shirt into the overflowing hamper, and apologized. Apologized and ordered a vegetarian pizza for Anna while she cleaned the makeup off his face. This Ben closed its black eyes and scratched its filthy cheeks until they bled.

"There's always been something missing," he said, dragging his bloody claws along the bedspread as he approached her, disturbing the pile of crumpled papers. "You were too nice to say anything, but I sensed it. You shut me out and created your Mr. Right and pretended I was just like him."

Page two of Anna's demon document drifted onto the carpet, brushing her toe. There were Ben's exact words, printed in boldface. Every single one of them. Her shocked response tumbled out of her mouth, right on cue. "No," she gasped, talking more to herself than to the creature wearing Ben's Levi's.

"Now I'm perfect for you," he said, reaching out to her. "In every way."

"Don't," Anna said. Don't say what's on the paper, Anna, she commanded herself, don't say what's on the paper, don't say what's on the paper. But what else could she say, as the creature cupped her face in his clammy palm...paw?

"Don't!" she shrieked, throwing herself against the window. Causing no damage to the window whatsoever. Blood from a small gash on her scalp dripped onto the stack of blank printer paper. Ben's black eyes widened at the sight of her blood. Then the pain hit her skull and shoulder full-on, and she felt herself slipping down the wall.

When Anna opened her eyes, she was staring through the gray shoelace loops of Ben's favorite Nikes.

"Shh." He bent over her, stroking her hair. "Hush, my darling." His moist, rotten breath stung her nose and his cold drool dribbled onto her cheek, mingling with her hot tears.

I'm not your darling, Anna thought, catching her breath as Ben's icy fangs plunged into her neck. What would Buffy do? she wondered, too weak to struggle.

Before she lost consciousness, Ben stopped sucking her blood and abruptly pulled back so he could gaze into her eyes.

"I love you, Anna. I love you so much," he said, squeezing her limp hand.

Anna said nothing. The oozing holes in her neck made it impossible to speak. Maybe he'd punctured her voice box. Idiot. She closed her eyes and waited, in agony, for what she knew was coming next.

The Ben-creature gulped. "Will you marry me?"

Anna shook her head furiously.

"At least look at the ring first," Ben said. "It's hidden in this chalice of blood."

Anna pinched her eyes shut even tighter. She felt gentle pressure on her neck.

"I became a vampire and a werewolf for you," Ben murmured, unwrapping two Band-Aids and sticking them over her wounds. "I'm Edward Jacoberg."

Anna snorted. She managed to whisper the only words that made any sense to her. "The printer's broken, baby."

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More fiction by Maria Roth:
Angel and Edward Cullen Discuss Love, Fame, and Sucky Vampire Stuff

Dragonelf and Friends (and Swords!): a Fantasy-Romance Saga

The Short Answer (a spooky short story)

Excerpts from Another Rejected Romance Novel (He was More Hillbilly Than Vampire)