Effective Communication Principles for the Stepfather

The parent-child relationship is an ever-evolving role. This includes how communication develops within the scope and context of a natural interpersonal setting. Specifically, how parents choose to communicate with their children, and how the children communicate with their parents develop over time, and through a variety of positive (as well as negative) influences. Children naturally develop their relationships with their biological parents while the parents enhance the relationship with their children as it evolves. As challenging as this may be, especially for a child's natural father, the greater challenge is that which a step-parent faces. This is because the role one comes into is a role that the new step-parent must be able to maneuver due to his/her limited authority and lack of previous history that he/she has not shared in (Berger, Carlson, Bzostek, Osborne, 2008). In this case, the role of a stepfather is more of a social role than that of a biological role a child's natural father fulfills. This presents some significant disadvantages within the scope of child rearing, even though children experience a "co-residence" with the stepfather and the natural father as a common experience in our society today (Berger, Carlson, Bzostek, Osborne, 2008). It is because of this obstacle that a stepfather faces, a meaningful and healthy relationship that is developed between parent-child relationships possesses a significant effort on the part of the social father to overcome. Therefore, how a stepfather (or aptly called "Social Father") communicates effectively with his stepson(s) and/or daughter(s) determines how a unique, robust, healthy, and honest relationship is able to develop.

Hence, what we will discuss here are specific areas that a stepfather (and any step-parent, or even a non-traditional parent) are able to focus on in order to accomplish a nurturing and healthy relationship with their stepchildren. The first point is how a stepfather understands and defines his role. The second focus follows the concept of active and mindful listening. We will then discuss some ways a stepfather can further define his role and develop his relationship with his stepchildren by finding common ground and interests to share with one another. And, the final point of discussion centers around the factor of inclusion. Understanding these five key points, will most likely bring about a more defined and rich relationship between the stepfather and his stepchildren.

The first, and most primary, responsibility a stepfather must accomplish centers on defining his role within the family unit. This role moves from the more generalist viewpoint of how childrearing defines a father's particular and unique practices in parenting (Berger, Carlson, Bzostek, and Osborne, 2008), and that of how a father invests his time through various ranges of contributions to children in multiple aspects of parent-child interaction (Berger, Carlson, Bzostek, and Osborne). These aspects range from providing specific material resources, child care, protection of children from particular dangers and harms, educational developments, home maintenance, preservation of familial relationships (immediate and extended family relations), while maintaining social, economic and emotional support of the child's mother (Berger, Carlson, Bzostek, and Osborne - quoting Hewlett, 2000). Both, the biological father and social father share in these responsibilities in a variety of ways. However, it is a matter of "investment" either one makes in their contributions. This difference is based on how biological fathers invest more time in their children than the Social Father. This is most likely because of the reality that the natural father wishes to pass on his particular influence in how he raises his posterity. The social father, therefore, is more of a secondary source of that which the natural father may or may not be adapt in providing. However, the reversal could be said that the social father has more to invest in the lives of the stepchildren because of his unique role, and the possibility of having his own posterity with the child's mother (Berger, Carlson, Bzostek, and Osborne).

Regardless of the different "investments" a natural and social father may devote to the development and relational experience with the children involved, the most important factor is that the stepfather must establish an open communication with the child's mother. Within this particular context, the stepfather and natural mother engage in a discussion where boundaries are established within the new family unit. This includes what is considered to be appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Following this, comes the discussion of what the stepfather's role is as it pertains to specified disciplinary actions needing to be taken. Third, the stepfather must also communicate a sense of reassurance to the children that he is not there to replace their biological father. Finally, any discussions regarding the natural father must be taken into account, carefully weighed, and identified as to what is appropriate to discuss, and what is not appropriate to discuss.

One aspect where this open communication centers around is the ability to provide a stable home environment for the stepchild. This type of investment into the childrearing is not only of necessity, but to provide a successful development in the child's upbringing (Edwards, 2002). The question must be begged here - and naturally assumptive - as to what constitutes a stable environment as to the requirement in relation to the child's development and upbringing? Simply put, stability has a rich definition that goes beyond the mere concept of having the resources and capabilities of providing shelter for one's family, but within that shelter, providing a stable emotional environment where the child feels safe, adapts and learns significant interpersonal relationship skills, develop and enhance their ability to contribute to the success of the family unit, and ultimately equipping the children to become productive members of their society. This type of responsibility not only is carried upon the shoulders of the natural father, but also becomes the subsequent burden of the stepfather who now steps into a moral and ethical responsible to work with the mother in the child's life.

In this context, how the children observes the development of his mother's relationship with the stepfather and how the stepfather nurtures his relationship with the child's mother is one that has long standing consequences - both positively and negatively respectively. A stepfather who invests his time, talents, and energy to continually develop a close and intimate relationship with his wife, the child will pick up on this. The problem here is that the child will have significant conflicts as to the difference between how the natural father relates to the child's mother, as opposed to how the stepfather relates to the mother. Another important factor for the stepfather to understand is his role by taking into account those conflicts that will arise, and to communicate his own fears, stress, anxieties, and even triumphs openly and honestly with the child's mother.

Yet, the stepfather's role in open communication, and the ability to provide a healthy and stable environment goes beyond a mere openness with the natural mother, the stepfather must also be cognizant of his communication (verbally and nonverbally) toward the stepchildren. In this instance, the one thing that must be avoided is the communication that the stepfather is moving into the role as a "father figure". Far from the truth - a stepfather ought not to provide any means to where there is the sense that the child has a new "father" to replace the one they already have. Granted, most stepchildren (in the pre-teen and adolescent years) will automatically presume that their mother's new husband is exactly that, their new father. Thus, as we understand the importance of open communication, the stepfather also has to find positive ways to reassure the children that they are not taking the place of the child's father. The conflict in this is when one takes into consideration of appropriate an inappropriate disciplinary action, as well as how the social father ventures on the thin icy surface of the natural father topic. Here is where the next principle comes to our examination and discussion. That is, the importance of active and mindful listening.

According to Jeff H. Larson, his fifth principle is based on being an active listener. This necessity revolves around the reality that stepchildren are "...full of emotions that need to be expressed..." (Larson, 1997). Larson further defines this as not just the concept of one being silent in a conversation, but being both silent and attentive to hearing what someone really is saying (Larson). One major aspect of this is where the stepfather has to be in a position where he controls himself in a way where he is not critical of the child, possess the ability to paraphrase what the child says, and communicate a sense of comfort and connection with the child. This may require some behavioral adjustments and specific paradigm shifts in how a stepfather learns from his own mistakes as he develops a bond with the children. Larson states that when a social father allows the child to freely express his/her own individual feelings is far better than responding with yes or no questioning (Larson).

This raises the question - how then should a stepfather relate to his stepchildren in a way that is not condescending, critical, or authoritarian? Some key elements are based on common sense attributes as to how we decided to communicate verbally and nonverbally. Take for instance, take into account that when you are speaking to a child, speak to them on their level and understanding. How one speaks to a 5 year old is vastly different than how one would relate and speak to an 11 year old. Another aspect is to speak where there is constant eye contact. This requires the stepfather to speak on their level in a physical sense. A child is sitting down, sit with them, if a child is standing, kneel down so that you are at their eye level. This will communicate that you are positioning yourself in a more dominant and authoritarian way. Tone also has significant importance here. This goes under the context of understanding it is not what you say, but how you say it. Words cut very deeply, especially if the stepchild uses words that may place one in an defensiveness because of certain phrases used to illicit a prescribed response. Overall, being open in every sense of the word, the stepfather communicates that he is concerned and there to listen to what the child has to say.

A fourth principle in developing one's robust and healthy relationship is finding common ground and interests. When a stepfather takes interest in what the child likes to do, this is where majority of the bonding will occur. This may require some persistence and perseverance. Reason for this is because one has to understand that from the initial marriage and the new family unit, the child is reflective on doing things with their natural father as opposed to doing things with the stepfather. One way to overcome this is to ask what the child is interested in (especially if the child is in his or her preteens, or adolescent years). This will not happen overnight, however it will happen over time. If the child loves sports, find out what kind of sports they are interested. If you are able to, buy tickets to a game, take them out and play some ball by tossing around the football, baseball, or play a game of one - on - one. Not only will these types of activities and taking interest in what the child likes to do help build a healthy relationship, but here is where a stepfather can kill two birds with one stone by asking "how is school going?" or, "what happened today?"

The last principle we shall discuss is the factor of inclusion. Including the stepchildren in the new family unit will allow the child to feel a sense of importance in being part of this new family. This can be accomplished by a variety of ways. One way is holding family council meetings. Find out what the child would like to plan for a family outing, or what game the family could play on a game night. If the child is involved with scouting programs, ask what can the family do to help support him/her. Allow the child to plan a family meal, not only such activities will allow the child to have a sense of inclusion, the child will also develop certain skills in being able to have a sense of self-sufficiency.

All in all, How a stepfather communicates with his stepchildren determines how a unique, robust, healthy, and meaningful relationship can develop. As we have discussed, this is accomplished by establishing a positive effort to communicate effectively with the child's mother. Second, as we have discussed, the ability to actively listen to the concerns, cares, fears, desires, and interests of a stepchild will provide a sound basis of trust and openness between stepfather and stepchild. The other principle is that of finding common ground and interests. If the stepchild is interested in cars, share with them memories of going out on a Saturday morning with your own father to work on the car, what you learned, experienced, observed. The final principle we discussed is that of inclusion. This helps solidify the child's role in the new family, provides reassurance for the child, and helps the child understand the dynamics involved in this new context of interpersonal relationships.