Effectively Dealing with Disagreements in Relationships

In all relationships, there are disagreements. How a couple deals with their disagreements can vary from couple to couple. One thing is certain, for a couple to stand the test of time, and not fall apart, they must learn how to communicate with each other.

When a relationship is in the early stages, all is wonderful, and hardly a harsh word is spoken. As the couple becomes more comfortable with one another, differences emerge. As a result, disagreements can arise. If the couple can effectively communicate at this time, they are well on their way to standing the test of time.

An important thing when faced with a disagreement in your relationship is to know how to get your thoughts out in the open without damaging the other person. It is easy to blame the other person when things seem to go wrong, but blaming your partner for things that seem to go wrong can only be detrimental to your relationship.

When you and your partner have a disagreement, rather than blaming them you should express yourself in a manner that tells your partner how you feel about a specific behavior. For instance, you and your partner are having a disagreement about the household duties. You feel that your partner should be more help around the house; your partner feels that no matter what is done, you will still complain that nothing is done. Rather than saying something like, "you never help me!", or, "You think I should do it all while you do nothing!", you should say something like, "it really hurts my feeling when the house is a mess and I feel like I am expected to clean it myself", or, "I would really appreciate it if you would help me clean the house by picking up your dirty clothes."

The first two statements are accusatory, and it is likely that your partner will not actually hear what you are saying. It is more likely that your partner will get the message that you are blaming him or her for the problem. Those comments would most likely result in comments such as, "no matter what I do, you aren't happy!", or something that is equally detrimental to your relationship.

The second set of statements definitively states the problem, and your feelings while not making any derogatory statement about your partner. You are not putting your partner down or making him or her feel bad, you are clearly stating your feelings, and giving a solution to the problem at hand. To these statements, you are more likely to have a more positive outcome.

Another important thing to know when you and your partner are having a disagreement is that things that are said in anger often have a large impact on the relationship later on. Often, when we are angry or upset, we will use words that we know will hurt the other person's feelings and we regret what we have said once we calm down. You should never say things out of anger just to hurt your partner. The result can only be a negative impact on your relationship. It is always best to think about what you are going to day before you actually say it. If you know that you are only saying it to hurt the other person, don't say it at all.

Be willing to admit when you are wrong. In a relationship, this is very important. When a couple has a disagreement, and one or both realize that they are in the wrong, even a little bit, it is best to admit it. If you act as if you are always right, your partner is less likely to discuss things that are bothersome to him or her with you. He or she will feel that bringing up something that bothers them will do no good because you think you are always right. By admitting when you are wrong, you are showing your partner that you respect his or her opinion, and you are able to admit fault.

Do not bottle everything up inside, but do not have a major discussion over every little thing. If something is bothering you in your relationship, talk about it, but do not drag that same issue on and on. Reach a mutual solution to the problem, and then let it go. For instance, your partner has gone out with friends after work without telling you. You worked hard to make a nice meal that would be ready to put on the table at the time your partner normally gets home from work. The meal grew cold and you ate alone. Rather than attacking your partner as soon s the door opens, wait until your partner gets inside and has a moment to speak. Then, tell your partner what is bothering you. Remember, do not accuse or blame! Say something like, "I worked hard to make a nice meal, I would appreciate it if you would call me when you are not coming straight home from work so I am able to keep your food warm." State the way you feel, and offer a solution to the problem without being accusatory.

When you have done something that hurts your partner's feelings, be willing to apologize. Don't just say, "I'm sorry". Tell your partner that you apologize for whatever you did that caused him or her pain. Be specific, and show in your future actions that you are sincere. For instance, you forget that you have a date with your partner and go out with friends instead. Of course, this hurts your partner's feelings. Tell your partner that you are sorry for forgetting about the date and offer to take him or her out at another time, maybe even right then. In the future, show that you are sincerely sorry for the behavior by making it a point not to forget dates again, even if it requires writing it on your calendar so you don't forget. Your partner will see that you are sincere in you're apology, and will be able to forgive and forget.

In conclusion, when you and your partner are faced with a disagreement, knowing how to communicate effectively can have positive results. Remember to express how you are feeling without blaming the other person or being accusatory, do not let negative thoughts build in your mind, get them out in the open, resolve the issue, then let it go. Be willing to admit your own fault, and when you are wrong; we are all human and we all make mistakes. Be willing to not only say that you are sorry, be willing to take actions that show that you are sorry. Remember to always think before you speak. Do not say something out of anger that you know will only cause your partner pain or hurt feelings. Remembering and implementing these simple rules when you are faced with a disagreement in your relationship can make the difference between a lasting relationship, and one that fails to stand the test of time.