Effects of Divorce on Children

Even though divorce may be necessary in certain situations, children do not understand the reasons for divorce and it can be very confusing to children of all ages. It is important for both parents to understand what the effects a divorce can have on children in order to find the best way to communicate with the child and help them to cope.

Preschool aged children have a very "concrete" or "matter-of-fact" way of thinking. If you were to tell them it was "raining cats and dogs outside", they might run to the window to see the puppies and kitties falling from the sky. Their world is very "close to their face". They only see what is in front of them and are incapable of seeing things in the abstract because of their level of brain development. When parents divorce, this may lead them to believe that either parent might stop loving them because the parents stopped loving each other. A fear of abandonment is very common with children in this age group. The best way for a parent to deal with a child in this age group is to give constant reassurance that both parents love them. Minimizing conflict in front of the child will help the child develop a sense of reassurance. The best thing for a parent to do is to think before reacting to any situation.

School aged children ages 5 to 8 typically respond to divorce with a great amount of grief for the parent who left the household, with no regard to their relationship prior to the parents splitting. This child will have a greater desire for the parents to "get back together" because children this age tend to live in a fantasy world. Children in this age group also might feel the need to take care of their parents emotional needs as opposed to their own emotional needs. If a child this age sees the parents fighting they will be more likely to become aggressive and show aggression towards others.

The best way to deal with a child in this age group is to give consistent affection, reassurance that both parents love them and that everything will be okay. Assure the child that the absent parent loves them and that the split was in no way their fault. Make sure that the child has access to the other parent, whether it be scheduled visits or phone calls. A child this age group requires consistent contact with both parents.

Children between the ages of 9 and 12 will often feel rejected, but will not admit it. They will miss the absent parent and will try to play neutral, not taking sides for fear of hurting either parent. Some children in this age group may cling to one parent because of a fear of abandonment. They may develop peer problems and begin to experiment in risky activity.

The best way for a parent to deal with a child in this age group is to offer reassurance, talk to them, and listen even more. Keeping the line of communication open is very, very important. Allow the child in this age group to have a voice and allow them to be honest with you. Assure them that they can speak freely and that you will listen, regardless of how it will make you feel.

Adolescents tend to be very emotional and impulsive because of the brain development. Most of their drive is based off of emotional signals sent out by the brain. This is a very impressionable age for a child, and is generally when they will develop their identity. The child may develop peer problems and experiment with risky behaviors, such as drugs and promiscuity. Children this age might develop problems with their own intimate relationships in the future because of the lasting impression the divorce might leave with them.

Adolescents should be encouraged to express their feelings and ask questions. As the parent, provide them with honest answers. Avoid bad mouthing the other parent and avoid "double standards". Encourage reasonable expectations in the family as far as chores and responsibilities go. Do not overburden children of this age group. Allow them to have time to themselves, and time with friends- as this age group is very socially oriented.

Divorce isn't easy for anyone, especially children. Learning to understand how divorce effects a child is the best way to help a child cope. This will make the transition much easier for everyone involved.