Eight Rules for Dealing with the In-laws

Not everyone is blessed with the perfect in-laws. You know the type. The ones who love you unconditionally and treat you just like their own son or daughter. They treat you just as good if not better than your
own parents do. This is the ideal situation. However the ideal situation doesn't always exist. You marry the person you fall head over heels for but that doesn't mean you're always crazy about their family or vice versa.

When I met my husband's family for the first time I loved them all and they loved me (with the exception of a sibling). I thought his parents were absolutely terrific. I looked up to his mother and wanted to be a brilliant businesswoman like her. I thought she had it made. Then I saw a different side. Weddings can bring out the worst in people. While after the wedding she was almost back to normal there was still traces of the "other side". Small comments and throw-away remarks that struck the wrong cord with me.

I realized, this is who she really was all along. I no longer look up to her and want to be like her as I once had. I don't agree with everything she says or does because I know how manipulative she was with us and it sickens me. But I still love her. And I know she loves me. Just it's not the same. It's not the ideal situation. I'll never be good enough for her son and there's no way I'll ever become close to ever equaling her daughter. No one will ever measure up to her in my mother-in-law's eyes. Not even her own son.

But through all these different experiences and uncomfortable situations I've learned that there's a set of rules one should follow to deal with the in-laws when things are less than ideal.

1. If there's a topic that you know will likely start a debate avoid it no matter what. It's not worth the headache and they'll just like you even less because you don't agree with them.

2. Don't discuss money. It's an open invitation for insults and mockery if you don't make as much money as your spouse or have an off month. They'll think their child could have done so much better with so and so who makes way more.

3. Try not to let the avoidance issue bother you too much. My mother-in-law sometimes has a habit of not listening to a word I say. She'll ask me a question, I'll answer. She'll ask me the same questions again a minute later, again I'll answer. A few minutes later she'll once again ask the same question and once again I give the same answer. Someone else walks in the room, she asks the question once more.

They answer with the same answer I've been providing and then it's dropped. It's like she never heard a word I said but when it comes from someone else's mouth it has to be the right response. Again, try not to let this bother you too much. If you have a fit you'll just look like a stupid spoiled brat.

4. Choose your battles carefully. I recommend only arguing if it's something that you simply cannot back down from because it goes against every moral thread in your body. If it does then hash it out. But if it doesn't, avoid the topic and if it comes up just say you'd rather not talk about it or you don't have that much an opinion on the topic.

5. Select your words carefully, very carefully. This is especially true if you end up getting into one of those arguments that is absolutely necessary because it goes against every moral thread in your body. You don't want to say something you'll regret. If you do your in-laws will be sure to hang it over your head for all eternity.

6. Give them small presents. If you go over for dinner bring something to say thank you. If you're out shopping and you see a little something they might like buy it and give it to them just on a whim. It will show that you're thinking of them.

7. Shower them with kindness. The old saying "kill them with kindness" is true. If they say something cruel or demeaning just be kind in return. If you show that you're unaffected by their abrasiveness they just might back off a bit.

8. Just keep doing your own thing. If your in-laws don't like you for whatever reason remember it's okay. Your spouse loves you and that's all that matters. Yes, you'll have to put up with them at family events and holidays, but just think about what it's worth.

Every person comes with a family. Some families are baggage. But would you rather be without your spouse? I would personally be lost without my husband, so the fact that certain members of his family are mean to me, while annoying and frustrating, is just a little bit of dust that has to be brushed off. It's worth the reward - my husband.

So, if your in-laws are making you want to pull your hair out try to remember that everything will be okay and the ultimate payoff of being with your spouse is priceless.