Eight Simple Rules for the NBA Playoffs

-Do know your role and overall value. Unless you are in the top 10 in jersey sales, you probably won't bring in viewers when reaching the finals. Instead of praising the level of play, Sports News networks would rather hark on ratings.

-Do set the tone early. If you plan on stinking up the joint, go ahead and blow the first game. Why bother giving false hope to your fans? If you can, try to lose by double digits.

-Do flop whenever possible. It's always amusing to see professional athletes impersonate fish out of water. Some people call it cheap, but I prefer to look at it as comic relief.

-Do assert your dominance. Punk out a former league MVP as a way of saying "Hey, we're kind of a big deal."

Now, for the other end of the spectrum...

-Don't touch or talk smack toward the leagues Golden Child. Ref.'s will make questionable calls if you so much as poke the cash cow. Taunting the "Chosen One" will cause the Heavens to open as Bolts of lighting strike when he dunks the ball.

-Don't celebrate during the game. Those hand signals you got from Wrestlers/rappers look really stupid when you're down by 16 points in the third quarter. We CAN see you, and you look like a total boob.

-Don't play defense if your Couch has a family member who plays in the league.

-Don't try to keep the Golden Child out of the paint. Believe it or not, nobody cares about 29 of the 30 teams in the NBA. Casual fans just want to "witness" Basketball Jesus execute thunder dunks.