Eight Strategies for Communicating with Your Teenager

The teen years are generally the most difficult between parents and children. At this stage in their development, teens are pulling away from their parents, both physically and mentally, trying to establish their own identity. While this is a normal stage in their development, it is also the hardest time for parents to stay connected with their child. Teens spend more time with their friends, at activities, and alone in their room, separating themselves from the family unit. But, if you continue to be an involved, supportive and caring parent, you should be able to keep those lines of communication open.

Communicate

Keep opportunities for communication open. If your son is always in his room and you are always working at the computer, there is no way for you to interact with each other. Use the time you are together efficiently. Have conversations when you drive your teen to school or activities. Most parents and children live in the car, so use it as an opportunity to connect. Or try becoming involved in a sport or activity your teen enjoys. Golf together, play tennis, go swimming or biking. Usually when children are relaxed and enjoying themselves they open up and talk.

Don't Boss

Talk with your teenager, not at him. If the only words you ever say to your child are orders or criticism then it's no wonder he doesn't want to talk to you. Find ways to interact, not react. Tell your teen something you heard on the news and ask for his point-of-view. Ask him how a certain friend is doing, showing you're interest in his friends. Encourage everyday chit chat that leads to nothing more than just visiting with your child. You will find out a lot more about his changing personality this way than shooting questions at him.

Be a Good Listener

You don't always have to be a teacher. Try not to use every conversation as an opportunity to make a point or teach a lesson. If your teen tells you about a friend who is dropping out of school or another who shoplifted, don't respond with criticism. As tempting as it may be to turn this into a learning experience, you should just listen and respond with empathy. Your teen is using you as a sounding board for relating behaviors he knows are undesirable. Give him your ear and let him be the one to do the talking.

Don't Judge

Be tolerant of your child's appearance or that of his friend's. Kids this age are either trying to fit into a group or separate themselves as individuals. You may not like the pink hair or ragged clothing, but that is just a phase your teen is going through. Remember that it is who he is that is important, not what he wears. Your acceptance of him is very important to your teen. Save the arguments for more important matters.

Take Your Time to Respond

Think before you speak. Yes, we tell our children this all the time but it applies to parents, too. Don't over-react to flip statements your teen may throw at you. Teens know how to get a reaction out of their parents, so just stay calm before replying. The same goes with using the word "No". If you child asks you a question, think about it before answering. Answering "no" instantly looks like you aren't listening. Also, try not to make snap judgments over something your teen tells you about. If you teen states he'd like to be a race car driver when he grows up, and you say how stupid that is, he is not likely to confide in you again. You want to build their confidence and trust in you, not break it down.

Don't Ignore Small Conversations

Listen, listen, listen. You can't communicate with your teen if you are the one always doing the talking. You may not care that your daughter's friend dropped her chicken burger on the floor at lunch or about her friend's newest hairstyle, but listen anyway. These little conversations are building confidence in your child that you care and listen to her. She may then feel more comfortable coming to you with bigger issues later on.

Agree to Disagree

Don't be afraid to end a conversation that is leading up to an argument. If you and your teen disagree on a subject, just listen to their side, state your own and end it. You are not always going to agree, so don't agonize over it. The important thing is that you respect each other's opinions.

Express Your Love Openly

Most important of all, tell your teen often that you love him and are happy he is a part of your life. For teens, feeling accepted at home goes a long way in building their confidence in other areas of their life.

The teen years will be a mixture of constant learning and struggle between parent and child. If you keep the lines of communication open, you will continue to enjoy a relationship with your child long after he's grown out of the teenage years.