Eight Things Every Parent Should Know and Do in a Custody Dispute

Approximately 41% of marriages end in divorce. Many of these marriages resulted in children. As a result, people who can't get along, turn into people who hate each other and have the perfect weapon for revenge available to them-their children. Although not all custody disputes are tools for revenge, but in many cases that can be the motivation. Many disputes are justifiable and necessary.

As these marriages end a variety of parenting arrangements are agreed to or even mandated by the court. As a paralegal I encountered them all. As a parent I participate in a combination of them. There is joint custody, split custody, shared parenting, residential parenting, and sole custody. Sole custody is where one parent has physical possession of the child and the other parent may or may not exercise visitation. Joint custody is when both parents have physical possession of the child and the child may travel back and forth living for a specified period of time in each household. Split custody occurs when one child lives with one parent and another child lives with the other parent. Shared parenting is an agreement by the parties to respect each other and consult each other on several matters of importance and can be used in conjunction with any of the other types of custody. A residential parent is the term used in shared parenting, and means that that parent is the main caregiver and the child resides in their home and their school district.

Within each of these arrangements there are several major issues which will be addressed by the court. Who will handle medical and dental care? Who is the beneficiary of life insurance? Child support of no child support? Unpaid medical or dental bills? Will there be a college tuition fund or college payment required. When will visitation occur? Many states have a set "rule" for each of these topics. In some cases two parties who can not agree to who gets the dining room table are given the opportunity to decide how parenting will work for their child. An agreement or an order does not mean that there can not be disagreements. Not only do disagreements occur but in some cases manipulation and/or a total disregard for the court mandated arrangements. When this occurs parents have few choices available to them. They can just "take it." They can appeal to the court - and spend thousands of dollars in the meantime. They can continue to request the other party to honor the terms of the court order and hope that eventually that person will see past their own anger and do what is right for their child(ren). But no matter what your choice, no one wins and everyone, especially the children lose.

For example, you decide to just let things go. If you do that you are allowing the other party to get away with harming you and your child. In many cases to avoid harm was why you left them in the first place. The more you allow the other party to not live up to their obligations the longer it will go on, and in the event there is a showdown, you, not them, will be asked why you allowed it to happen for so long.

Let's try another scenario. You take the other party to court for contempt. You provide all the documents for example, that for years you have been paying for all the medical bills, when in actuality both parents are to divide the medical bills in half and pay 50%. Now that you are in court, you have proof and you may even get a financial award. But guess what? If your state does not garnish this amount from the other parties' paycheck how are you going to be able to collect? You aren't and your only choice is to spend even more money to go back to court again to prove that you did not get paid both times.

There is another "sting" to these scenarios. In many states, each time you bring up a matter regarding the child, the other party may then open up the topic of custody. For example, you file for child support which hasn't been paid in years. Three weeks later, the other party files for custody in response. Now, you get to spend thousands of dollars defending yourself and your parenting decisions, simply because you attempted to provide for your child the best way you can.

What should you know if your "ex" responds in such a manner? Here are eight of the most important things you should know and to be prepared for in the event of a custody dispute. Some states' issues will vary from this list, but in most cases these topics will always be considered.

School
The court will look at the grades of the child in question whom one parent or the other is attempting to get custody of. It will review the attendance record and in some cases request a complete record from the school. If you child has a bad year - not several, but even just one, it can come back to haunt you. But here is the funny thing-in most cases the court does not examine facts pertaining to the school or school district itself. For example, my daughter may get a C in a course, at a private school. The grading scale is much different, however that is not taken into consideration, and it is still a "C" grade. They do not differentiate between a better school or district and take that into consideration.

Counseling
Has your child ever had any form of counseling? Either in school or outside of school? If so, they will examine the need for the counseling such as stress from the divorce, preteen issues, and socialization issues. They even examine if the child has ever consulted the school guidance counselor for any reason, even just having a bad day at school and needing to vent.

Hygiene
Is the child clean? Presentable? Are their clothes clean and are they appropriately dressed? Do they brush their teeth, use their deodorant, etc.

Medical Care
Have you been obtaining medical care for your child? Do they get regular check ups? Are additional medical needs met, such as if they have a rash or burn or other physical symptom that may require at least a doctor's consultation?

Dental Care
Has the child had regular dental checkups and cleanings? Examinations and fillings? X-rays etc. If requested by the dentist have you consulted an orthodontist or even obtained treatment from an orthodontist?

Child's wishes
In some states they even have an age of consent for a child. In other words, when you child at the age of consent says, "I hate you and I want to go live with my mom/dad," and the other parent wants to pursue it, basically that decision stands. How very scary that a child would have that much control.

Extra curricular activities
Has you child participated in extra curricular activities (age-appropriate)? Do you attend those activities on a regular basis? Or are they what the court terms as "isolated?" And what happens if your child is just shy and doesn't want to participate or chooses to do other activities?

Support System
What sort of support system do you have? Do you have family that lives close by? Do you have a regular child care provider? What happens in the case of an emergency to anyone in the family? Who will provide care in those circumstances?

Discipline techniques
Do you "spank" your child? Ground? Take away other privileges? Make threats? Do you carry through on your intended discipline? Are you abusive - according to your states' or any other definition?

There is one very important fact that you should realize while you are answering these questions. No matter what you do or what you say or what kind of proof you have that does not mean that your child can not be taken away from you. It is as simple as that. Thousands of parents provide evidence to the court that they are providing a good home, participate in the child's life and do the best job they can do. They prove that they are kind, caring and loving parents. They prove that they are providing financial support and obtaining medical care.

But on the other side, parents are not perfect. We are fallible creatures. And to add to that, no matter what your answer is to the above questions the answer can be twisted. For example, you live out of state; your parents live somewhere else. But the other party can twist that into you do not have a support system. It doesn't matter that your parents would take the next flight out to help you in the event of an emergency.

Another example, you pay for private school. Your child does poorly one year. This can turn into you don't pay enough attention to her schooling. Even though you help with homework and work with the school. You pay the tuition bill. But guess what? You put her in a private school that is too hard for her or she wouldn't get bad grades.

No matter what your answers to the above stated questions, these pieces of advice are absolutely necessary when involved in a custody dispute.

1. Expect the unexpected: You never know how information will be interpreted.
2. Hope for the best: A positive attitude is absolutely essential, no matter how terrible things may look; a positive attitude will help you in caring for your child during this stressful situation.
3. Prepare for the worst: No matter how good a parent you have been someone can always bring up that one time you did this or didn't do that. And if you get enough someone's all in one place, it appears as if that is all you have done.
4. Save everything: Keep every document, every school paper, every receipt from medical providers, every court order, every email message, and in some states you can even submit recordings of telephone conversations (please consult your attorney before going out and purchasing a recorder and hooking it up!) Keep a journal; events are more accurate when written down immediately after they occur.
5. Keep a journal: Yes, I have already stated this, but one important part of keeping a journal is not to allow it to be your "venting" opportunity. Find other outlets for your disappointment and frustration. Remember, the court system deals in facts not emotions.
6. Tell the truth: Don't embellish, don't color it, and don't hold back. Many things that you will be asked to discuss are painful. You don't want to talk about them. In some cases the topic will be abuse. In others the topic is finances. No matter what, tell the truth and support your truths with evidence.
7. Be prepared for the other side: You can not anticipate what the other party will do or say. You can not anticipate what they may accuse you of. But you can anticipate that it will be bad. It may even be lies - totally and completed fabricated. It may just be a different "spin" on events or conversations. No matter what, prepare yourself mentally for this situation as it is the only way you can handle it without shock, outrage and emotional responses.
8. Listen to your counsel: Not just listen to your parents or the neighbors' daughter's brother in law who had this type of problem. Listen to your attorney and do exactly what he or she says. Know your rights and exercise them. The attorney is after all a specialist. Would you ignore the advice of your physician?
Quite possibly the most important piece of advice is number four, Save Everything. And if you haven't saved everything many schools will provide you with the entire school record. Medical and dental providers can provide you with a detailed report of care received and charges, when it was submitted to an insurance provider and what the payment was and how any other payments such as deductible were made and who made them. Do not let even one note or email out of your possession. And make copies. Do not just turn them over. Attorneys are wonderful sources of support, counsel, advice and care during this horrible time, but mail gets lost, papers get misfiled and court personnel can make mistakes. Be sure to keep a copy of any document you provide as you may either need to refer back to it when preparing for trial or you may need to submit it several times to different entities within the court system and if you have kept your originals you won't need to go back every time to get more information from your attorney.

Custody disputes are harrowing experiences, not only for the child, the parents of the child but for the whole extended family. Grandparents, step parents, step siblings and other family members and friends are called into question. Every decision you ever made for your child will be examined. However, if you follow these eight important steps, you may be able to survive it all with your heart intact and your head that much wiser.

Last but not least, obtain counseling through either your church, non profit agency or private provider after the decision is made by the court. No matter what the outcome of a custody dispute old wounds are opened and new ones are made. Children can not understand the full importance of the situation and parents have difficulty dealing with it also. You may have even questioned your own decisions or parenting skills. Have the whole family involved in the counseling sessions and if necessary obtain individual counseling for yourself. The most important thing when the "dust settles" is to come to terms with the events no matter what the outcome and get back to your normal life, your loving children and if married, your spouse.