Eight Things About Holiday Guests

While whiling away the hours I came across this article on Yahoo: 8 Things Your Holiday Guests Won't Tell You and I thought why not read something that might be funny. It wasn't my kind of funny so here is my take on them.

"I can't find a place to charge my phone. " The original author feels it would belittle our guests to expect them to plug into any normal outlet they see. We should make them feel more at home and relaxed by plugging in a terminal strip and resting it on a table within easy reach so they can hook up all of their personal appliances in one convenient spot. Really? Get over yourself! Are you blind? There are outlets every four feet in this house pick one and bend over to reach it just like you'd do at your own house!

"I tracked snow and mud in the door." The author kind of goes off on a tangent about giving your guests the house rules as soon as they arrive which includes your stand on shoes, smoking, meal schedules and routines. Okay I would like to know just what kind of strangers people are inviting to stay with them that these kinds of things wouldn't already be known. I am fairly certain my possible guests already know my rules but for those of you strangers who might want to show up let me put them out there for you. NO SMOKING! I am allergic and I don't wish to watch you kill yourself. I don't care what you do with your shoes but if I trip over them I am throwing them out on the lawn. I make meals when and if I feel like it. That big white box in the kitchen is the refrigerator and the black and white things on the side of it are the stove and microwave. I'm sure you're all familiar with them; feel free to make me a meal whenever you wish. Shower schedules are as follows first one up gets a hot one everyone after that is a mystery. And if you did track in snow and mud I might get out the broom but I don't need you to tell me about it because I'm not blind.

"Your neighbors blinking Christmas lights kept me up all night." The author suggests I put up blackout shades so that not only will my guests' night not be an epileptic horror show but so they can take afternoon naps too. News flash my neighbors have a blinking spotlight that goes off all night every night all year and just like me if you stay here long enough you'll get used to it. If you're not staying long enough to get used to it why would I invest that much money in light proofing a room for you anyway? As for napping in the afternoon, I've been trying to pull that off for years in this house. The shades are the least of your worries; I've got two dogs, neighbors with kids, and an old house that makes all kinds of noises.

"I didn't get a chance to spend time with you." The author seems to be under the misguided assumption that with a house full of people(ones you barely know apparently) you will be watching television, playing on your computer and doing laundry. You know that five minutes it takes you to throw the load in the washer, switch it to the dryer and afterward bring it upstairs and toss it on a chair is really a visit killer. As for the television and computer there are plenty of ways both can be used in entertaining. For example nothing thrills me more than playing back the video of our trip to Arizona where we tried to determine if a red, yellow and black snake is poisonous and our four year old pitching a screaming fit in the back seat as the dust devils crossed the road in front of us. Usually guests also find this amusing. And by the way if you're spending time in my house you're spending it with me because I'm always here.

"I worry about waking you up." I have to chuckle, the author seems to think tossing a plush rug on a creaking floor is going to fix this issue and make guests feel all warm and fuzzy inside when they get up in the middle of the night to peep in the medicine cabinet. First off, no amount of plushy rug is going to stop the creaking of the 60 year old hardwood floor in the house that Jack built. Secondly when you open up the medicine cabinet and the marbles crash into the porcelain sink everyone in the whole house is going to get up anyway. Besides you'd have to be nocturnal by nature to outlast me.

"I don't want to miss my early flight or train back home." This could be as simple as your unfamiliar guests not being able to set your ancient alarm clock, they may have never seen one with a windy thing and bells on the top except in a cartoon. Okay, let me just put it out there. If you've been at my house for any length of time and you have an early anything, even a mule ride out of town, I'm going to be sure I get up and get you there on time. I love you but when you're time is up I'm going to love helping you on your way. By the by, since I provided you with a convenient place to plug in your phone and other appliances I'm sure you can find an application on one of them that will get you out of bed.

"I drank too much eggnog last night." Now I am your mommy too? The author thinks I should fluff your pillow and provide a coaster with a glass of water and a basket of drugs on your nightstand to help see you through. Don't think so. If you're that out of control you can get your already up due to the blinking lights butt out of bed and drag it across the creaking floor to the bathroom where you'll be able to find the pain killers as soon as all the marbles hit the floor. Also as the author is implying the eggnog is spiked you might want to be sure you pack some booze because we don't drink at Chez Borys but you can if you'd like.

"I woke up shivering." I'm supposed to put a sheet a coverlet and a down duvet on the bed to prevent this. Well let's see you get a sheet a blanket and some sort of quilt at Chez Borys and we have heat too. If that isn't enough for you there are two dogs and rabbit; feel free to take one to snuggle with. Just because I live out in the woods past the snow line and I'm considered cold and heartless that doesn't mean I'm living like Nanook of the North in an igloo. It's not nursing home hot but you don't have to get up and do jumping jacks every five minutes to keep the extremities alive either. I'm not buying a down anything just so you can visit.

Now that we all know what to expect from each other I'm sure you'll all feel perfectly comfortable joining us for the holidays.