Eight Ways to Never Use Your Oven Again
Buy a house with a broken oven
My son bought a house several years ago. It came with an oven, of course. But the oven didn't come with a seal on the door. With no seal, heat from the oven would escape. He demonstrated the heat leak by turning the oven on. That's the last time the oven was turned on. As I said, that was several years ago.
Point out your premier oven to guests
If you're lucky enough to have a premier oven come with your house, your oven problems are solved. There's a TV Kohler commercial wherein a socialite shows her brand new granite sink to guests, while disallowing the deposit of their empty wine glasses in it. Like the Kohler sink, I don't want anybody putting anything in my oven, getting it dirty for when I show it to guests.
Never cook your own meat or fish
I declared my oven off-limits to meat and fish, because they splatter and make a mess of the oven when baking or broiling. An interesting outcome of the meat-and-fish ban was that nothing else got to be cooked in the oven either.
Buy entrees from the supermarket
With the meat-and-fish ban in effect in your oven, you will be required to buy entrees from the prepared foods section of your supermarket. They make them better and cheaper there than you can anyway. I cannot make, bake, and prepare Chicken Kiev for $6.99 per pound and expect to get out of the kitchen this week.
Look for products called "stove-top"
Any product that says by its name that it can be prepared on top of the stove rather than in it is for you. Can't do it? Get rid of your prejudices for stove-top foods. Develop an mmm-mmm-good attitude.
Never buy oven cleaner
If you can say with truth that no oven cleaner exists in your house, you'll have the perfect excuse for putting nothing in your oven that requires cleaning up.
Identify a good local baker
Ladies who like to bake have a problem with this. Get over your need to display your good motherly or wifely talents by baking. Delicious cookies, cakes, and pies can be made by people who make them just as good as you do. He's called the local baker. Find yours and build a lasting relationship now.
Let them eat cake
When all else fails in the quandary of what to serve your family for dinner without opening the oven, recall Marie Antoinette's approach and let them eat cake. From the local bakery, of course.
Published by Lorraine Yapps Cohen
I design jewelry free from the constraints of textbook techniques and write non-fiction free from the rigors of technical expression. Chemist by training, creative by spirit, conservative in values, and art... View profile
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21 Comments
Post a CommentI love your wit and wisdom, but I love my oven more!
This is funny. I have vowed to never wash dishes by hand, which is good now the energy efficiency rating shows it uses less water.
I'll send this article to my hubby and tell him I refuse to cook from now on
Great article. I still like my own home-baked cakes, biscuits, scones and pastry. There is a gadget advertised on TV here in Oz that is a glass contraption (sits on top of the bench) and you can cook almost anything in it - roasts, fish, steak, cakes etc. A toaster oven works well too - as does an electric frypan or grill. I hate cleaning the oven, so you have highlighted the benefits of not using the oven.
..from the local bakery of course ;-) you covered all the bases!
I like to bake, so I use my oven frequently.
These are great! When we bought our house the oven was broken. We bought a toaster oven, but don't use that very often either.
The most I use mine for is baking cookies, bread or pizzas, and even that is a rare thing. Pasta is my go-to when I have to cook. I also have a toaster oven, so I use that for anything that will fit in there. It uses less energy.
I've always said that the only reason I have a kitchen is because it came with the house. Now I need to go and meet my local baker!
Great funny article. I really enjoyed it. Thank you!