Elderly Abusing Their Caregivers - The Untold Story

We don't know until a co-worker breaks down at work, until a divorced man suddenly finds himself running out of money for essentials, until a middle aged woman falls asleep at the wheel, until high school students drop out of school. Thousands of families are coping with problems which stem from caring for elderly parents. The parents are often from the great generation of World War II veterans, people who provided us with freedom, who gave us all of the advantages of an affluent society, parents who steadily remained at the same jobs, year after year and paid for their homes. Today he fell down the stairs, today
she was lost and discovered crying while wandering in the neighborhood. These are the heartrending but inevitable results of old age.

The flip side of the story is a problem people don't want to talk about.
"I had to move in with my mother when she had a broken leg. I couldn't drive to her house everyday after work, then go home, and return to her house the next day before work. She needed help with her hygiene at night," said a woman at a small diner over her lunch of grilled cheese." It costs so much to have someone come in that I gave up my apartment." She sat with dark circles under her eyes, "She is in her 80's. She is angry and childish, this morning she spit her breakfast in my face."

A man who said he had to move in his mothers apartment after he was injured on the job and was uninsured addresses a problem no one wants to talk about. "Working two jobs, each at under 35 hours, neither paid insurance. I had my own place and was waiting for a scholarship to college, Then the accident, I went home and Mom was there for me. She was a divorced mother and we had it a little rough at times. After recovery I was ready to move out when she began to have seizures . She has refused to let anyone else in our house. I'm there and I can't get out I'm actually on call 24 hours a day."

Then there are the mothers who move into households with teenage children and dominate the lives of their adult children. "I love Lucy," said Dan, an electrical engineer,"We thought this would bring an added element of love into the household," He sighed, "But I am loosing touch with my wife, my girls are not happy with Lucy's constant nitpicking and my wives's siblings are arguing over who how to administer her property."

Newsweek Magazine in June 07 predicted by 2050 there will be a dramatic increase in the number of seniors with Alzheimer's, tragically the stricken are not always sweet, some lash out in rages. Others are suffering from painful diseases and have become dependent on prescriptions for pain. An elderly woman known in my neighborhood goes into psychotic rages before her Rx is filled, and shops doctors.

Sometimes lucid and demure Alia has always been a little manipulative. When she had a tantrum on the sidewalk outside her brownstone and cursed her son, neighbors called police. Alia's bruises were the result of a fall and he had lifted her from the sidewalk. Charges were filed, he went to court without counsel in the company of his mother who sat stonily throughout the proceedings, when the Judge asked her, after berating the son and leveling wild allegations at him, what she had to say, Alia smiled, "Nothing." She said. "Nothing." Later she told friends. "I wanted the Judge to see how he protects me,he screamed at the Judge and said he never hurt me. See? See how much my son loves me." Her son faces a four month incarceration if convicted. "Well," she smiled, "Everyone will know what a tough guy you are when you get out." Alia doesn't grasp the situation. The Legal Aid Society has a waiting list, the public defenders are not experienced in the practice of law. The Judge has no knowledge of dementia.The son cannot have his mother evaluated because she refuses psychiatric intervention. The mother, by the way, was very jealous of a girlfriend of the son's and has also remarked, "No one can take you away from me now."

The problem is not going away. For every person who professes our country need to return to family values and for all who profess the virtues of self reliance and togetherness there are numerous examples of the realities of urban stress and the changing nature along with insecurities of our present economic crisis in America. The solutions proposed for child care in the 60's are extravagantly expensive. Sure, many offices boast day care centers on the ground floor. The clerks and secretaries and receptionists who need them can't afford them. Elderly day care would be another solution, but it hasn't happened yet. If it does, there will be another round of debate on costs. Presently some cities provide personal assistance and home care givers, but can take homes for the amount of money due the state at the end of the life of debilitated elderly. People who have had family homes and expected to pass the property down over multiple generations are watching the erosion of their legacy, the family home. Those caught in the crunch, the generation with fewer opportunities, less disposable income and rare health benefits will grow larger and larger.

Will our elected leadership permit conscription of our homes by unscrupulous mortgage bankers leaving the next two generations at the mercy of unconscionable employers who outsource to India what could benefit our own people? Jobs have fled, gas has gone up, housing costs are
out of sight for most people, the price of groceries has increased, most don't have health insurance, the waiting list for MediCare can be 8 months,
social services are charged back to property, water and sewage costs increase. Now we have recognized that elderly abuse does exist , but
also so too do the elderly abuse. It's all in the family, and no one wants to admit that Mommy has gone crazy and Daddy doesn't know where
he is, so they were confused and angry and hit their children, then fell sobbing on the floor. Not all the bruising is from a bad son or daughter,
sometimes they fall, sometimes my friends stand outside their homes in the rain for a break, or sometimes they sit in the garage, always within
earshot, and always tired and drawn.

People must help each other, people must learn it is okay to report a parent to social services for evaluations, they must realize it is alright to
tell other people what is happening. You were brought up to respect your parents, you love them, they will be better with professional care,
so will you. It is unnatural for a parent to behave like a child and unnatural for your parent to abuse you, they are sick and can benefit from
quality care. You are entitled to return to your life. They didn't want to see us walk alone to the school bus, we do not want to leave them
in the care of strangers. Take a small step together, invite help, it does not mean warehousing.