Election Night Drinks: Perfect Drinks for Your Favorite Politicians

No matter what side of the political fence you're hanging out on, you might be better off drunk on election night. But who wants to drink your ordinary rum and Coke, or a fuzzy navel? Wouldn't it be better to make up some special drinks that truly celebrate your favorite candidate? Serve them at your election party, and your guests can vote with red and blue straws which they like best - a real straw poll.

Obama Mama -- Similar to the classic Bahama Mama, but with a multicultural twist.

½ oz light rum
½ oz coconut-flavored rum
½ oz kahlua
½ oz creme de cacao
½ oz chocolate syrup
1 oz milk or cream
1 cup crushed ice

Put everything into a blender on frappe until ice is nice and slushy. Your Obama Mama will be a rich light brown, and will go down smoothly on the tongue. You will probably not be very articulate after a couple of these, so make your speeches prior to drinking.

Rudy Tuesday - the classic drink, but with a unique Cosmopolitan twist, in honor of Rudy Giuliani's long service to New York City.

1 oz gin
1 oz vodka
½ oz Triple Sec
5 oz cranberry juice
2 splashes grenadine syrup

Pour gin and cranberry juice into a highball glass filled with ice cubes. Add grenadine, stir and serve.

Al Gore's Stiff Drink - While Al would probably drink arctic beer - beer made with meltoff from the icecaps, especially if the leftovers were used to generate energy - I thought I'd try to find a little harder liquor for him. This one's based on a drink called the Four Horsemen, appropriate for Mr. Gore's apocalyptic predictions.

¼ oz Jack Daniels (from Tennessee, just like Al)
¼ oz Jim Beam
¼ oz Johnnie Walker scotch
¼ oz Jose Cuervo

Layer this in a shot glass and serve - and then stay away from flames. Drink a few of these, and you'll think you know everything and that the world is heating up.

If you don't like this drink, then just about anything including bitters will be appropriate.

The Clinton Rattlesnake - Hillary. Hillary, Hillary, Hillary. Word has it that the tougher half of the Clinton power couple can drink John McCain under the table. So you'll need something strong. Something frozen. Something with a real bite. Like a frozen rattlesnake, chocolate because hardly any woman can resist chocolate.

1 oz Bailey's Irish Cream
1 oz Kahlua
1 oz crème de Cacao
1-2 scoops vanilla or chocolate ice cream

Blend all the ingredients well. This works best if you start with chilled liquors, not room temperature. Pour the drink into a wine glass, and float a little 151 on top to give it that powerful aura.

John Edwards should keep it simple. Something classic. Something practical. Something that will put hair on your chest, and force you to style it afterward.

1 oz very old scotch
1 Red Bull. You are allowed to add an umbrella to the can if you must.

Drink in order. Repeat until you feel -- sexy.

John McCain's Patriot won't QUITE get you drunk, though you're certain it will eventually. Anyway, it's a nice layered drink, all red white and blue, so serve it in a tall clear glass.

1 oz grenadine
1 oz crème de cacao
1 oz Blue Curacao

Pour in grenadine. Follow, one at a time, with the crème de cacao and the Blue Curacao over a bar spoon. You wind up with a lovely patriotic drink that tastes like a chocolate covered cherry. For nonalcoholic options, switch the crème de cacao with half-and-half, and the Blue Curacao with blue raspberry Kool-aid; it'll look about the same, but tastes more fruity.

Governor Mitt Romney has chosen to be a teetotaller - admirable, but not so much fun when you're coming up with new drinks! But that's okay, because the designated driver has an option. Rumor has it that Romney's drink of choice is hot chocolate - so here's a hot chocolate recipe just for him.

Mitt's Classic Hot Chocolate (for three)

8 tsp sugar
4 tsp baking cocoa
4 cups milk - whole milk is best.
1 ½ cups miniature marshmallows
1 tsp pure vanilla extract

Another ½ cup of miniature marshmallows

Blend milk, marshmallows, sugar, and cocoa in a saucepan over medium heat - stir constantly and gently until marshmallows are melted, cocoa is dissolved, and milk is comfortably hot. Remove from stove and stir in vanilla. Pour into mugs, and sprinkle the last ½ cup of miniature marshmallows between them.

If you're a Romney supporter who does want to drink actual alcohol, there's an option for you: Russian Hot Chocolate. Blend 1 oz vanilla vodka (or regular vodka and 3 drops real vanilla), ¾ oz of amaretto, a packet of hot chocolate mix, and 6 ounces of hot milk, frothy if possible. Mmmm.

Like Governor Romney, Governor Mike Huckabee is a lifelong teetotaller. So Huckabee gets Chuck Norris instead. No drink is stronger than Chuck Norris. Ever.

Fred Thompson is challenging. I thought at first some sort of grog would work, but he's too straightforward for that. For our Fred fans, nothing but very old scotch on the rocks will do. VERY old indeed. Add a fresh cherry, in honor of his pretty wife.

Bonus Drink (Because I Couldn't Resist)

The Bill Chill: This is a lovely tropical concoction made on a base of cherry Kool-Aid. It's creamy and very smooth, almost deceptive in its presentation.

2 oz cherry Kool-Aid, made double-strong (so 1 pkg. Kool-Aid and 1 cup sugar to 1 quart water)
½ oz sloe gin
½ oz banana liqueur
1 cup ice

Pour all ingredients into a blender, and frappe into a slush. This will make a small, but tasty, drink.

If you want to get laid, quadruple all ingredients, add an ounce of 151 rum, and serve to the girl you like (or drink it yourself if you're a girl - it gives you plausible deniability). This version is named - what else? - the Slick Willy.

Leave out the Slick Willy's 151 and sloe gin for a Chilly Willy, a mild drink that will get you neither drunk nor laid. An alternate name for this drink is the Wedding Night.

For The End Of The Night

The Also-Ran: this simple drink is in honor of all the candidates that didn't quite make it to the big leagues, but you can only make it at the end of election night. Take all the drinks your guests didn't finish, and pour them into a tacky plastic pitcher. Blend well, and pour an equal amount of moonshine in. Top this off with the most expensive alcohol you still have in the house - all of it. Goldschlager is best, honoring the money wasted on a fruitless effort.

Smell this nauseating concoction for just a little taste of how the losers feel now. Drink it up until you gag if you really want to know how they feel. This shouldn't take long!

(Do not be stupid with the Also-Ran. Unlike the others, which are really pretty tasty, this drink is metaphorical and designed to be just absolutely nasty. If you drink more than a taste, you will get sick. If you just taste it, you might get sick.)