Elevator Etiquette

I suppose that being forced to share a confined space with various strangers multiple times a day is just the price we pay for being gainfully employed in the modern world. Hopefully some day soon Scotty will be able to "beam us up," but until then it's important to conduct yourself in a non-annoying manner during these forced close-encounters.

If your mother never taught you these important lessons, or if you were busy playing ColecoVision in your head while she was talking, allow me to set you straight.

1.) When you're the first person stepping into an elevator, you are immediately intrinsically charged with manning the elevator buttons. It may be an unspoken rule, but it still exists. If you're first on, you have to accept your responsibility to your fellow elevator-riders and push the damn buttons for each and every one of them. Don't be the first on an elevator and then walk to the back corner, as if you're so special you cannot even be bothered to lift your pretty little finger. It doesn't matter if you ride that elevator every single day, or if it's the first time you've ever stepped foot in it -- if you're in first, you're in charge of the buttons. Deal with it.

2.) As a follow-up to the above rule, when you board an elevator that is already occupied, either push the button yourself or announce the floor you need -- don't make me ask you which button to push for you.

3.) Men, when you're in an elevator that also has members of the opposite sex present, you must allow them to exit the elevator first. I don't care if you were the first one on and then it stopped at every stinkin' floor and picked up another woman at each stop. First one on does not mean first one off. Didn't your mother teach you any manners at all?

4.) When there is a large group of people on an elevator, and then a large chunk of them get off -- leaving only a small group (say, two others besides yourself) behind, you must take advantage of the newly available space and rearrange yourselves accordingly instead of continuing to invade my personal space unnecessarily! Disperse, people!

5.) Do not make, receive, or continue cell-phone calls while riding in an elevator. We don't care what you're having for dinner, or that you're meeting so-and-so on Saturday for a round of golf, or that you got your STD results and have to think of how to tell your boyfriend.

6.) When you're waiting for an elevator to arrive, do not stand two inches from the door. The rule is to let others off before you get on, and if you're standing two inches in front of the door, you are in my way. And then on top of that, don't then give me a nasty look when you have to step aside. You're the idiot, not me.

7.) If you get on an elevator and see someone coming down the hall, give them the benefit of the doubt and hold the door open for them. If it turns out they were just passing, no harm done; if they did indeed need the elevator, you will be their hero -- and doesn't everyone like to be a hero?

8.) If the elevator phone rings while riding along, minding your own business, someone needs to answer it. Staring at it does not stop the ringing. Push the button and tell little old Nellie that no, she did not call Dr. Parker's office to see about her bunion removal, she actually called an elevator and needs to hang up and re-dial. No, Nellie, we do not want to hear your bunion story.

9.) Do not -- I repeat -- DO NOT get on an elevator to go up or down a single floor. I will beat the crap out of you.

10.) If you know you smell really bad, use the stairs. For the love of all things holy, use the stairs!