Elliptical

She stared at the elliptical machine for what seemed to be an hour. In reality it was only about 15 seconds. All the beautiful people had formed a mote of sweat around it, making it that much harder for her to get there with her wide hips and protruding stomach. Just 20 pounds, she thought. That's all I really want to lose. But looking at the beautiful people, sweating and exercising vigorously, more vigorously than she had in her entire life, she longed to be among them, to be part of the mote. The club of awesomely thin beauties who get stares as men walk by, who can wear a burlap sack and still get whistled at because they are so thin and elegant.

She looked down to her feet. She couldn't seem them. She sometimes wondered if she ever saw them from this angle. She took a deep breath and sighed. Slowly she walked over the elliptical machine, feeling like her steps were causing mini earthquakes in the sea of thinness. A few people looked over, and then went back to staring ahead, a natural reaction. One woman looked, raised her eyebrows, appeared to smirk and then looked straight ahead. Wow, what a bitch, she thought. Maybe I should accidentally on purpose hit the button to speed up her tread mill so she flies off and into the wall like in the cartoons. No, she thought, she's never get away with it, but it was still fun to imagine.

One step at a time she got on to the elliptical. She stared at the buttons and screens below. As she slowly ellipticaled, if that is the word for it, the screen came on. It asked her for her age. She entered 24. Height? 5' 2". Weight? She paused. Do I really have to put that number in? She fibbed a little and entered 200. Ok she fibbed by about 50 pounds but whose business is it? It isn't the business of that woman on the treadmill, or the blond in the ponytail sweating next to her. It isn't the business of the elliptical machine.

She continued to elliptical her way along, her hear rate going up. As she looked around the room, she saw everyone going about twice as fast as she was. She felt self-conscious, wondering if people were thinking 'why is she here?There's a curves down the street for fat girls isn't there?'

But she kept pace trying to ignore the parade of negative thoughts that passed through her mind. She stared straight ahead and didn't let her eyes wander to the others. I deserve to be here, she told herself.

Even if she didn't believe it in that moment she hoped that one day she would. She hoped that if she said it enough she would believe it as strongly as she believed she didn't deserve to be there.

Twenty pounds might seem like a modest goal But for someone who spent her life as a big girl, as a child then a teen then a college student who gained the freshman 30 (15 yeah right) 20 was a good start.

As her mind wandered, she glanced down at the time and was surprised to see that she had already been working out for 10 minutes. Wow, and it wasn't as hard as I thought, she said to herself. I mean I'm breathing hard and sweating but it feels like I can keep going for another 20.

Twenty minutes later she stepped off the elliptical machine, drenched in sweat, heart still pounding. With endorphins flowing and sweat dripping, she felt like praising herself instead of tearing herself down. She had accomplished the thing that she dreaded the most. Going to the gym and facing the "beautiful people". She looked around again at the women exercising. Almost all of them were the same ones that were exercising before she began. They were showing no sign of stopping. She realized that many of these women probably were where she is. And she realized that her perspective of the grass being greener might not be accurate. The woman on the treadmill who looked back at her with a smirk was a coward. She must have felt so down about herself that making fun of another made her feel better. Suddenly these women that had formed the mote around her goal were her colleagues, her allies. She smiled and patted her forehead with a towel.

As she walked out of the gym, she even winked at the guy manning the front desk. He smiles and winked back.

I'm definitely coming back tomorrow, she said to herself.