Emotion-Free Sex?

Where once a young woman of about twenty-four with no wedding ring would be cause for concern, it is now the norm. Women are waiting longer, delaying relationships for a while, while they focus on their careers. There is some argument that women are wanting more and more out of men who cannot deliver, and that's why so many more women are single. But now that they've taken on many once-male roles in the workforce and are finding that they can support themselves comfortably alone, many twenty-something singles choose to keep their independent status.

Independence that can still be a hard-won victory for today's young woman. Each new generation of women emerges bolder, braver, and more ready to take one the world than the one before, so much so that it causes a blurring of typical male-female roles in today's relationships. Where once it was said all the men were shying away from commitment, now more and more women are doing the same.

The strong, self-reliant woman of today feels comfortable picking casual sexual partners, with no strings attached. At least…at first. Whether we want to or not, most women find themselves emotionally attached before they even realize it. Our strong, single, independent woman nature cries "no", but our hearts almost ache for that commitment…even when we were sure we wanted no such thing.

We can sleep with a man once and wonder why he does not call the next day, even supporting ourselves and living out there on our own. It is a shock to discover that while we may not need men, financially or even in the capacity of a handyman (raise your hand if you've stood atop your kitchen table and just screamed until the mouse ran away), we still want them. Many goal-oriented career women try to keep things loose and natural, avoiding emotional entanglements.

The sad truth is, many of us get caught up in them anyway. Call it a biochemical reaction (when things go awry) or true love (when we're still starry-eyed with hope), the emotions still rear their ugly heads. Suddenly a man who does not call is a rejector, we the rejectees. Thousands of years of gender-blurring and well-fought battles against the rules and roles society tries to place on its women all come rushing back in a single instant. A wail goes up, a cry that each woman recognizes, and they each join in with anguish and scream, "but why?"

So what is the solution for the strong, goal-oriented, twenty-something single gal who isn't sure she's ready to take on the pressures of forming a relationship and a career at the same time? Casual dating can only go on for so long with the same man before it takes on the hues of a real relationship, and casual sex carries all the pitfalls of feeling shamed, rejected, and undesirable - when he doesn't call (and most of the time, he won't).

Establish what you want right away. Perhaps not while you're being asked out on the date, or even on the first date if it's not appropriate, but before any sexual overtures are made. If you're going to sleep with him and then expect him to call, tell him that. With today's twenty-something male, even that doesn't guarantee anything, but it's better to be honest right in the beginning. With the ever-increasing risk of sexually transmitted disease, a good, frank discussion should come before any sexual encounters, anyway. If it's a one-night stand, make that clear - most men will not argue. If you want the relationship to continue, tell him to what level.

As we all know, sex changes everything. If we are going to talk about the act itself, the dangers it might carry to either party, and the protection to use, we should talk about the feelings that may come of it. Today's young woman is every bit as strong, capable, and independent as today's young man - but we are still emotional creatures, whether we like it or not. And single women today find that if they can assert themselves in the workforce, they can assert themselves in a relationship. And they should.

Talking about your feelings, your emotions, what you're going to want afterwards, is the "emotional condom" of sex (it's safer). While most men may find it a turn off and even be disinterested, you have to wonder what he's doing in your bed if he has an adverse reaction; it's the sort of thing most of us would like to find out beforehand, anyway.

Because, for some reason, the relationships seem to get harder and harder, as we get a little older. Is it that men are harder to find, or that women are expecting more out of them? Are twenty-something singles valuing their independence too much, by bottling up their feelings about sex?