Emotional Abuse: The Invisible Side of Domestic Violence

When people think of domestic violence, they imagine a bruised and battered woman, perhaps with a blackened eye, or a swollen lip. Very few times, do they anticipate the wounds, which are not reflected to the outside world, wounds that cannot be seen by the naked eye. The wounds, which go so much deeper than the skin of an abuse survivor, wounds that indeed penetrate to the very soul of a person who has survived emotional abuse. These wounds are as painful, and undoubtedly much more long lasting than their physical counterparts. While wounds of the flesh heal, and are visible so that the outside world sees the hurt that the victim of physical abuse has endured, wounds upon someone's soul are not so easy to detect. They cannot be readily seen, so therefore most people like to pretend they simply do not exist. However, emotional abuse is abuse, and it truly penetrates a person to the soul.

Last year, I left a relationship, which I can now recognize as having been severely emotionally abusive. I cannot count the number of times in a day that I was laughingly told how stupid something I had done was. When I would protest, the answer was always that I had misunderstood what he was saying. Everything I did no matter what was wrong. If I chose chicken for dinner, then it should have been beef. If I cooked dinner I should have stopped and picked something up, if I picked something up it was because I was just too lazy to cook. It was a never-ending verbal barrage, one thing after another. This was punctuated, with me eventually, blowing up. When I would blow up, it was always the same excuse I was too sensitive. He never meant any of the things he said the way I took them. Often times, I felt as if I were truly going crazy.

I had never thought of what he did as abuse, it had never occurred to me that someone who was supposed to love and cherish me, would honestly try to hurt me. I believed that I was just too sensitive. However, eventually I decided to end that relationship, because regardless of why it hurt me, I realized that it was indeed hurting me. When I had been out of the relationship for a while, a coworker asked me to dinner. I haltingly accepted the past had left me truly scared of even going to dinner with someone. I was sure if I did, that he too would discover just how stupid I was. I was terrified he would discover that I was really boring, and truly not the kind of person anyone could want to be around. The moment, that I finally realized that what I had been through, had truly impacted me, and I needed help to deal with it came, when the gentleman I was having dinner with asked me where I wanted to go eat. I could not give him an answer; I just did not have it in me, to make this basic decision. When I hung up the phone, I looked at my mother with tears running down my face, and told her that I was truly going crazy. That I could not even think. That I was not even capable of making a basic decision on my own, for fear of what someone would say or do if I did. When she asked me why I could not just pick somewhere to eat and tell him, with tears running down my face, I answered, "Because he has not told me what I want yet."

That was a turning point for me. I began to question, exactly how it was that as many things as I had found my way through in life, that I thought so little of myself now. I wondered how it was that I could make multi million dollar decisions at my job without any hesitation, but when it came to something as simple as where I wanted to eat, I absolutely could not make that decision. I slowly began to connect the dots to the fact, that when I was at work, I was confident in my proven ability to make the correct decisions. I was congratulated when the decisions I made resulted in the desired result, while in my personal life, regardless of the time spent analyzing according to my soon to be ex husband I was incapable of providing even a mediocre result, and not once in the ten years that I had been with him had the results of my efforts ever been what they should have been in his eyes. I started counseling soon after that with a Domestic Violence Shelter in my area. They helped me to come to accept, that what I had suffered was truly abuse. That while my scars did not show on the surface, there were scars there, those scars were real and from real injuries inflicted daily for years. I have spent the last year, putting together pieces of the woman that I once was. Finding small bits of self-esteem and confidence scattered throughout every day occurrences. Small decisions made alone were like tiny trophies marking the route of my recovery.

It is very important, that people, especially women, recognize emotional abuse for what it is, abuse. It is imperative, that they respect themselves enough to demand more from any partner than an abusive relationship can give. Demand to be talked to and treated with respect in every aspect of your life. Do not settle for excuses that you are just too sensitive, or you take everything the wrong way. The truth is that no one is that sensitive, if you are being talked to or treated in a manner that you do not like, and then it should be stopped. Most importantly, I think every woman should know if you are being belittled or disrespected, it is not your fault. It is abuse, the same as if you were being hit. Remember, sometimes the scars that last the longest are not even visible, sometimes those scars are buried in our hearts and souls, where they can last forever. So, for all the women out there who have, are or ever will be emotionally abused, remember this, you are an intelligent, amazing woman. You are not going crazy, and you are not just too sensitive. You deserve better! Now, I think I am going to call my boyfriend and tell him to get ready, because I want chicken for supper.